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When you are really, really done with your child ...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 729432" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am tired and typing on a cell but wanted to say welcome.</p><p></p><p>You raise issues that apply to many of us. A couple that touch me:</p><p></p><p>How we relate to our own life stories...when hopes seem dashed.</p><p></p><p>Betrayal. When the person we have loved most mistreats and abuses us, and there is no longer trust. What to do with that space and energy?</p><p></p><p>I do not think the answers require anything from your daughter. No dialogue. No understanding or forgiving. As I see it she has to handle herself from now on. And you are your responsibility.</p><p></p><p>The reasons are manifest and real. Your joint story has ended. If she at some point wants to make restitution it is on her to find a way. And yours to determine if there is a way forward. Or not.</p><p></p><p>How do we heal? I think the stages of grief outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross may be one place to start.</p><p></p><p>I am a believer in doing things that I feel to be reparative. Even reconstitutive. Needlework. Art. Camping. Walking. Swimming. Dancing. Spirituality.</p><p></p><p>Things that we immerse ourselves in. Right brain stuff. So that we break from the tyranny of our stories. Even books for me do this. Where I break with the linearity of my own story and take time outs.</p><p></p><p>There are religions that emphasize this. The idea of the Sabbath was this: a sanctuary outside of time.</p><p></p><p>What you describe is the nature of life in my experience. People betray and abandon each other. I feel tortured by my pain and regret and fear sometimes. And then I make moments of sanctuary. Like right now. Typing this to you.i feel connected to a peace which is always there in me. A refuge.</p><p></p><p>I hope you find support and refuge here. I am so very sorry for the pain of this for you.</p><p></p><p>PS if you look at it one way, all of us waste our lives. In the end all the accomplishments, wisdom and skills and money gained, is for naught. We don't take anything with us. Lives looked at one way are to learn and heal.</p><p></p><p>My sister in the last year of my mother's life would not see or speak to her. Nothing in her long life prepared my mother for this loss as she died. Four years later I still grapple with this in terms of my own son. To be dying and to be alone. Betrayed by the one I love best. To go to eternity without saying goodbye.</p><p></p><p>And then I think about it and I realize I am making a big deal. I can't take him with me. Everything ends. Which when you think about it is a bit of what you are dealing with.</p><p></p><p>Dreams end. We can get new ones.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I come to is this: I am my own precious flower. I will love and care for myself. I am trying to open myself to God and divine love. This I can do.</p><p></p><p>One more thing. When my mind hits on a raw nerve. A memory of pain, abuse, betrayal, victmization--I try to find a silver lining.</p><p></p><p>A small thing as an example. My sister took and probably destroyed my photos.</p><p></p><p>I have no pictures of my grandma. I find her in my heart. I find my own image as a baby and lovely young woman in my own heart, too. And with this I bind the pain and mend.</p><p></p><p>Nothing about this is easy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 729432, member: 18958"] I am tired and typing on a cell but wanted to say welcome. You raise issues that apply to many of us. A couple that touch me: How we relate to our own life stories...when hopes seem dashed. Betrayal. When the person we have loved most mistreats and abuses us, and there is no longer trust. What to do with that space and energy? I do not think the answers require anything from your daughter. No dialogue. No understanding or forgiving. As I see it she has to handle herself from now on. And you are your responsibility. The reasons are manifest and real. Your joint story has ended. If she at some point wants to make restitution it is on her to find a way. And yours to determine if there is a way forward. Or not. How do we heal? I think the stages of grief outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross may be one place to start. I am a believer in doing things that I feel to be reparative. Even reconstitutive. Needlework. Art. Camping. Walking. Swimming. Dancing. Spirituality. Things that we immerse ourselves in. Right brain stuff. So that we break from the tyranny of our stories. Even books for me do this. Where I break with the linearity of my own story and take time outs. There are religions that emphasize this. The idea of the Sabbath was this: a sanctuary outside of time. What you describe is the nature of life in my experience. People betray and abandon each other. I feel tortured by my pain and regret and fear sometimes. And then I make moments of sanctuary. Like right now. Typing this to you.i feel connected to a peace which is always there in me. A refuge. I hope you find support and refuge here. I am so very sorry for the pain of this for you. PS if you look at it one way, all of us waste our lives. In the end all the accomplishments, wisdom and skills and money gained, is for naught. We don't take anything with us. Lives looked at one way are to learn and heal. My sister in the last year of my mother's life would not see or speak to her. Nothing in her long life prepared my mother for this loss as she died. Four years later I still grapple with this in terms of my own son. To be dying and to be alone. Betrayed by the one I love best. To go to eternity without saying goodbye. And then I think about it and I realize I am making a big deal. I can't take him with me. Everything ends. Which when you think about it is a bit of what you are dealing with. Dreams end. We can get new ones. The only thing I come to is this: I am my own precious flower. I will love and care for myself. I am trying to open myself to God and divine love. This I can do. One more thing. When my mind hits on a raw nerve. A memory of pain, abuse, betrayal, victmization--I try to find a silver lining. A small thing as an example. My sister took and probably destroyed my photos. I have no pictures of my grandma. I find her in my heart. I find my own image as a baby and lovely young woman in my own heart, too. And with this I bind the pain and mend. Nothing about this is easy. [/QUOTE]
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