When you can empathize.....but........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Oct 23, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole told me this evening she is not going to take the BC shot anymore. In fact, she's not going to use any bc anymore. 1. the shot makes it really difficult for her to control her emotions. 2. she runs a high risk of having a serious psychotic reaction to both the shots and the pills. (my mother and I both did........and believe me, I've worried sick about Nichole using either) 3. so far the other methods haven't worked out very well.

    But the biggest reason, is she wants another child. And she doesn't want Aubrey to be 5 yrs older than a younger sibling.

    I didn't go all meddling Mom on her. Mostly because I can understand her view. I didn't want my kids far apart in age either. Nor did easy child.......Darrin and Brandon only have that age difference because Fate had other plans.

    I asked her how boyfriend felt about it. She said he told her it was a "team decision". And she said that until she has a ring on her finger, it's her decision as she'll be the one raising the child. If he doesn't want one, he doesn't have to have sex with her. Not like she's forcing him to.

    Okkkkkk. Not sure I quite go along with the logic on that. But I guess if he seriously doesn't want another child right now he could stay celebate. lol

    But I did tell her one thing. That I hoped she wouldn't do it until she has a permanent job.

    Honestly, I can't judge her on this one. When I got preggers with Travis.......as a family we were barely eating, keeping our utilities on, paying the rent........ Of course I didn't try to get preggers. But then I never had to, it just always surprised me. lol

    Is it evil that I hope he goes celebate on her.......and it just so happens to split them up? LOL:tongue:
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    oh wow. I would be freaking out. I constantly worry about this same thing but I dont think Mandy can get pregnant. I could be wrong.

    I dont know. Just seems that this will make her life harder but, its her decision I guess. Hope she really thinks it out first.
  3. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I don't exactly agree with the 'logic' behind it either unless she wants to be tied even tighter to the boyfriend for the rest of her life! Are you sure this is really her idea and not just her echoing what he's told her? I mean first she was fed up with boyfriend and considering kicking him to the curb ... and now they're talking about having another child together?

    And there is nothing wrong with having children five years apart! In fact, for us, it was ideal. My two are five years and eleven days apart and my daughter had just started kindergarten when her brother was born. Five year old girls are in that 'little mother' stage and she felt so very grown up being in school. She had gone along to some of my doctors appointments and had listened to his heartbeat. She was so excited to be a big sister! And when he was born, she immediately claimed him as "hers" - and 29 years later she still does, sort of. There was absolutely NO rivalry because they were in such different stages - she didn't have to give up being 'the baby' to make room for her brother. She adored him from day one!
  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Donna, I'm in full agreement with you here. Little easy child is 7 1/2 years older than the twin babies. He has no jealousy toward them, is terribly proud to be a big brother, and he's a tremendous help. He even volunteered to change diapers today (although he backed away quickly once he saw what was IN the diapers...)

    Lisa, I don't think you're crazy or cruel to hope that boyfriend goes celibate on Nichole. Her decision, but I agree that it might not be the best time for her to have another child.

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    My oldest is 6 year older than difficult child. difficult child and Jana are 18 months apart. If I had to do it all again, I would have more of a separation. Having difficult child and Jana so close together did not create a bond. In fact, just the opposite. There has always been rivalry between the two of them. On the other hand, because of the age difference, Oldest has never had a problem with either difficult child or Jana. None of them are "close" friends but oldest is more accepting of the younger two and they are more respectful of him.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!


    boyfriend can't even be bothered to really care for Aubrey. Adding another one....?

    Do you think that maybe Nichole is thinking that if she haves another baby, boyfriend will grow up?
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG Heather I hope that is not what she's thinking! lol Cuz I've pretty well given up on boyfriend ever growing up.

    I can understand her yearning for another child. I do get that, honestly. We're so alike it's not funny. But I don't get why she's not seeing this is not the best time. Good grief, it's not like she and boyfriend are getting along any better or anything.

  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    That's why I asked. I've seen more women do this than I can name. And it never works.
  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    There's still a whole bunch of non-hormone methods out there. Condoms, diaphragms, female condoms.

    Add in a good spermicidal gel and effectiveness of those is right up there with the hormonal BC methods, plus with the condoms you get the added benefit of protection from STDs.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    It's hard enough when you're happily married and have a steady uncome to have 2 kids- or 1 for that matter. Does he have a job? I was hoping she would see there's more out there for her than boyfriend.....she deserves better. My brother in law, his wife just had a baby in Feb, he has a 20 year old also!
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Did all this talk about having a second child come up suddenly or has she talked about it for a while now? What I keep thinking is ... you said before that she was becoming fed up and disgusted with boyfriend, that he was sponging off of her financially and that he was critical and saying that she didn't make enough money and needed to work more hours - while he contributed nothing? And didn't you also say that his parents have already told him that he could not come back home to live again after he moved out?

    This is just my theory but it sounds like Nichole may have been (rightly) questioning why she needed him there anyway since he's just a liability and she might have been on the verge of throwing him out. And he had nowhere to go if he couldn't sponge off of Nichole and he might have to actually pull his own weight and be a responsible adult if she threw him out, so maybe he turned on the charm and sweet-talked her into all this? That's a very possible scenario. And if she's the one supporting all of them, how would they live if she takes time off to have another baby? Does she even have any leave time she could use at this job to be off long enough to have a baby ... or insurance that would pay for the birth of another child? I didn't think about things like that when I was her age either but that's all got to be taken into account. I sure hope that she changes her mind!

    And I agree with upallnight - she does deserve much, much better than this!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Donna I dunno if this is some of boyfriend's manipulation or not. If he's upset by it, he sure didn't act like it yesterday when we all went to visit Travis. It's possible. With him......anything is possible. I mentioned the leave time, insurance things as well.....and added in it would mean paying for another child in daycare.

    easy child is planning on talking to her about it as well. Sort of point out some very valid issues concerning her getting pregnant right now......and using Brandon as an example how doubly hard 2 kids makes being a working Mom. easy child just had her sitter (2nd one now) up and quit on her with no notice. easy child pays extremely well....sitter doesn't really have much to do except get Darrin off to school and play with the baby all day.....and he's such a happy baby he's easy as pie to care for. So now easy child has to call off work Monday and hope to high heaven one of the 2 daycares in town have 2 spots available for the boys. ugh
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    never fails whatever age they are right?? it's never really done, we are never really done. yea i'd be concerned also. yet she is so strong willed, just like you :) hopefully she won't get pregnant right away which will hopefully give her time to realize that as much as she wants another now may not be the best time, due to all the reasons you listed.

    here's hoping she sees the logic, it's so crazy though i remember my mom saying things to me years ago and i'd just in one ear out another, i think it takes until a certain age to actually appreciate a mom's words.......
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Me too. And I'd just get mad at her and not listen. Which is why I won't some out and say the things my Mom said to me. lol

    She's not had a period since July. (wow that's a long time!) Doesn't the shot take a while to wear off until you're in a somewhat normalish cycle when you stop?? I remember someone telling me that........ Maybe by then she'll have changed her mind.

    Just hit me. Heck, she doesn't even have anywhere to put a new baby. Their apartment is teeny......about the size of a large closet.

    I'm hoping it's just wishful thinking.......and that it will pass.