When you try but it just doesnt work

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 22, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I will call the person Pat.

    I tried my whole life to get along with Pat. At times had so much admiration for Pat and really believed that Pat cutting me off many times was beause of me...my fault. 100%. And longed for a relationship.

    This last time Pat was good to me was while i helped Pat with a hard emotional stretch. After that changed, so did Pat. I am sure that it was not all because Pat was thinking about me. I have learned belatedly that Pat lives in drama...work, love life, personal life...and has a sharp, hurtful tongue. Perhaps just for me (shrug).

    Pat is not a horrible person, but, like my mother, Pat is not nice to me. I felt I had to watch every word I said or risk Pats wrath. Pat is in my opinion overly sensitive. Once I wrote a text to Pat and spelled it Pattie. She spells it Patti. I had mistakenly typed Pattis name the way a coworker spells her Pattie name. This turned into an actual issue even after I explained.

    That was just a minor example. There is much more, and I realize we are toxic to each other. Period. I know for sure Pat is toxic to me. I am used to my loved ones liking me. Pat does not. Thats okay. But I like me now and am unwilling to fight or walk on eggshells and be told that who I am is not okay.

    I still love Pat, but after listening and reading texts, I made a careful decision to block Pat from texting, calling and email. I tried to love Pat the best I could.

    Obviously Pat has a different opinion, but thats fine. She is probably partly right too.

    We just cant get along no matter how hard we try. I feel, from my point of view, that Pat takes every mistake, every flaw too literally and hard and that pat is impossible for me to talk to. Im sorry about all this. Pat also never says "im sorry. I was wrong." The most I ever get is "Well, I am not perfect either." Not the same.

    Because Pat has a tendency to contact my husband, he blocked her too. He never liked Pat and wants Pat to leave him alone. He is also drama free.

    So its done and this time I was the one who could no longer take the dissension. I realize now that it was never just my fault.

    My Dad is 93. When he is gone, there will be no more connection between us.

    Sometimes it takes 63 years to really let go. And often it isnt easy but necessary. I do wish Pat the very best.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Messages welcome but not needed. And, if Pat is reading this, I will not address it again here.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2017
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am proud of you, SWOT. For taking the steps needed to remove this incredibly stressful and toxic relationship from your life and the lives of your immediate family. Of course you love Pat, but that just isn't enough when the other party isn't healthy. I have watched you struggle to come to terms with this unhealthy relationship for years, to figure out why Pat is this way, what you did to Pat or can do to keep Pat happy. It must be such a relief to finally know that this is all on Pat, that NOTHING you ever did or could do would stop Pat from finding fault or blame simply because she enjoy it. She is unable to move on from the tiny mistakes that everyone else makes, or to acknowledge her own mistakes in a healthy way, and having any relationship with her simply isn't healthy for you.

    I know, to a degree, how that type of relationship feels, and I am proud of you for putting a stop to it. Healthy boundaries are important!
     
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's not easy to let go of people we care about but when you realize they are toxic to you, it must be done.
    I'm so happy that you look out for own mental health.
    ((HUGS)) to you sweet lady!
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks both.

    Susie, you summed it up. Yes, all my life. And i always thought it was me. Just me. I feel bad for my contribution to the estrangement. I am sorry for it. But it was impossible for me to be a good person to Pat in Pats eyes.

    When my mom was alive she twisted anything good I did into something bad. Example: I adopted kids to get state money. Riduculous as adopting overseas you get nothing. A private adoption through a lawyer, like for Jumper, gets you nothing. For Sonic we wete promised $425 a month and Medicaid for him. We did not adopt him for that, but my mother needed to think that was why. Nothing I said could stop her from believing I got lots of money for adopting my beloved kids. She had to make everything into something bad. Everything.

    Pat is not as harsh, which is why I kept having hope, but Pat is similar.

    The last thing she wrote to me was in a text about my text to her before that. "I didnt read that, too long."

    That was a bait.

    I wrote, finally, "Thats okay. I am done." If id written more or tried to explain it would have not been read or mocked.

    I give up. Pat is blocked from everyone on my Verizon plan...me, hub, two of my kids. She tried contacting Princess when I was in the hospital. I am visiting her now and warned her and she rolled her eyes saying she wasnt going to respond if that happened. I also blocked Pat from email. No contact. If she writes me snail mail I will throw it away without reading.

    The last thing Pat did was a show of how deeply Pat needs to get in the last word. While visiting my sick Dad in rehab, she used mt fathers pay for phone to text me one last time. I blocked that number too because Dad uses his landline exclusively. The only reason he had his pay for was because there was no phone at the rehab. He is home now. I saw him yestetday. Thats another, sadder story.

    Anyway that last text from my ill fathers pay for was enough to convince me I had done the right thing for both of us. I feel i have better mental health now than her, but I worked hard for it. My life is good. She makes some very self defeating choices and does not seem happy. About anything. I tried to help, but you can only help yourself...

    I have another sibling who is a forgiving angel and I love him to pieces. He is the best person in my entire family of origin, including deceased, as few are left. I cant be close to him...he is close to Pat and her kids. But I do see now what a great guy he is...and a real hero too. I know he goes if Pat goes, but we havent been close since he moved far, thirty some years ago. It is what it is. I have an abundance of love in my life without them, if necessary.

    I am not going to put more about Pat on here as it bothers her. This was my one vent. It is done. This is done. And for once, it was my decision.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
  5. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    sometimes the universe leads us in a direction if we are open to it. If a relationship is hurtful, too drama oriented, and energy draining its time to let go. It isn't meant to be any longer. Sorry SWOT for the pain this relationship has caused you but you are right in moving on.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Unfortunately, I see this too.

    If its too hard to get along with somebody, i feel the universe is telling us to let it go...like a helium balloon...

    Insanitys definition is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I can never please Pat and I cant see the benefit of trying. I feel silly that I took her back so often, expecting better things, after she dumped me constantly, called the cops on me, belittled me, told me my reality was not true etc.

    Like Princess said when I told her, "Mom, dont even do it anymore. You know it isnt going to work."

    Husband has said the same each time I tried again. He is not a fan of Pat at all.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2017