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Who do you "save"?? LONG LONG LONG
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 388285"><p>I totally totally can relate. That feeling of being caught between two kids when what might be good for one is not good for the other is just plain heart wrenching. We are in a similar situation with my 19 year old difficult child son and my 15 year old easy child daughter.</p><p></p><p>My son was at a TBS for 16 months when he was 15/16. During that time my daughter thrived and our relationship with her got much closer. My son came home and then last June (he was 18 then) we ended up kicking him out. My daughter was happy to have him gone and it was good for her. He started doing better and we let him come home in August. Once he was home my daughter withdrew from us all and started talking to her therapist. It became clear how stressful and hard this whole situation has been on her. She really felt we were sacrificing her (who has done nothing wrong) for him (who has done all sorts of things). We really felt like we were in a terrible dilemma because really she was much worse off having him back home.</p><p></p><p>He solved that for us by again breaking rules, again getting arrested and ending up in jail. He is now in drug rehab. My daughter has since talked to us a lot more and it is very clear it is very hard on her to have him in the house.... and the last few days I have realized how much more I like coming home without him here. The chaos and stress and having to watch and protect all belongings is no way to live. So I am clear at least for now that we are all better off if he does not come home after he finishes rehab. I think it is better for him too.....but really I also feel I have to protect my daughter from the conflict and chaos that could be there.... now of course we are hoping he will do well in rehab and so then it wouldn't be like that but of course we can't know that. The reality is I think he is more likely to relapse living at home and doing the same old stuff as before so we are going to tell him he needs to look at other options and we will help him out.</p><p></p><p>So I truly get the dilemma you feel. </p><p></p><p>So first does your daughter have to come home? I got the feeling initially that it was your insistance that she come home not the other families. Is that true? If so stop insisting. If not then could you take the other mom to lunch and talk to her about the situation and see if she could stay there longer. Sounds like it is better for all around for her to live with them than with you right now.</p><p></p><p>If that is not an option then you are kind of stuck.... and if there are no other options other than her coming home then if you haven't already I would get your son into some kind of therapy so he can work on the issues that come up for him around her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 388285"] I totally totally can relate. That feeling of being caught between two kids when what might be good for one is not good for the other is just plain heart wrenching. We are in a similar situation with my 19 year old difficult child son and my 15 year old easy child daughter. My son was at a TBS for 16 months when he was 15/16. During that time my daughter thrived and our relationship with her got much closer. My son came home and then last June (he was 18 then) we ended up kicking him out. My daughter was happy to have him gone and it was good for her. He started doing better and we let him come home in August. Once he was home my daughter withdrew from us all and started talking to her therapist. It became clear how stressful and hard this whole situation has been on her. She really felt we were sacrificing her (who has done nothing wrong) for him (who has done all sorts of things). We really felt like we were in a terrible dilemma because really she was much worse off having him back home. He solved that for us by again breaking rules, again getting arrested and ending up in jail. He is now in drug rehab. My daughter has since talked to us a lot more and it is very clear it is very hard on her to have him in the house.... and the last few days I have realized how much more I like coming home without him here. The chaos and stress and having to watch and protect all belongings is no way to live. So I am clear at least for now that we are all better off if he does not come home after he finishes rehab. I think it is better for him too.....but really I also feel I have to protect my daughter from the conflict and chaos that could be there.... now of course we are hoping he will do well in rehab and so then it wouldn't be like that but of course we can't know that. The reality is I think he is more likely to relapse living at home and doing the same old stuff as before so we are going to tell him he needs to look at other options and we will help him out. So I truly get the dilemma you feel. So first does your daughter have to come home? I got the feeling initially that it was your insistance that she come home not the other families. Is that true? If so stop insisting. If not then could you take the other mom to lunch and talk to her about the situation and see if she could stay there longer. Sounds like it is better for all around for her to live with them than with you right now. If that is not an option then you are kind of stuck.... and if there are no other options other than her coming home then if you haven't already I would get your son into some kind of therapy so he can work on the issues that come up for him around her. [/QUOTE]
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