why do difficult children act out instead of talk?


Active Member
<span style="color: #003300">I mean, seriously! I don't get it! Why do these kids always act on their feelings rather than talk through something? It baffles me - and I must say infuriates me! I mean why can't my son just vent verbally about what is bothering him? He can carry on an adult conversation about almost anything - except himself.

Why is my son a mess this weekend? I don't know! I can only guess it is because his Dad did his vanishing act last month, and then this weekend he has magically re-appeared...........but who would know because he says, "There is nothing bothering me - Mom."
Oh really...........is that is why you are raging all weekend? Is that is why you are crying when think no one can see you? Is that is why you are so anxious you are literally crawling out of your skin? Because nothing at all is bothering you?

So really? What is it that makes these kiddos not be able to process things without acting them out? Or is it just mine. Blah! :eek:



Well-Known Member
I'm on my fourth and fifth kid, and I found that boys have a lot of trouble talking to parents or expressing themselves and even girls shut down when they get to be preteens (not all, but I'd say most). It's normal for my easy child to grunt at me when I ask her a question and when she says, "I'm bored" (which I LOVE...lol) she won't tell me what she'd like to do. Usually she knows exactly what she wants to do, but won't tell me until I guess right. It's very maddening. If you have a sixteen year old boy I'd be surprised if he told you too much. Maybe in spurts, when something is important to him, but teens tend to shut down a lot or share with their friends. Course not all teens are the same, but lots are. I don't think it's just your son by a longshot, although not all teens act out or get aggressive, even when they shut down.

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Wish I knew the answer to that one. My difficult child always acts out rather than talk it out and usually it is violent. MWM is right too. My 13 year old easy child doesn't like to talk things out at all-drives me crazy.


New Member
You have a male. Males don't like to talk, they like to act. Sadly, tis the nature of most of the beasts. You have a teen. Teens would rather talk to anyone than their parents about the important stuff like feelings. Another one of those nature of the beasts things. You have a male teen who is hurting because his father rejected him. No matter how kindly you phrase it, the odds are he will see it as you bad mouthing his father, your ex. Something he thinks he's heard before time after time if he's a typical teen in that sense. So, you have two nature of the beast issues and one "I don't want to hear what you have to say" issues.

As my daughter once told me, "Don't take it personally, Mom. It's just that you're my mom and I want to find the answers some other way." Sucks, but that's the way it is.
My difficult child goes against the grain.

A girl, and not even close to a teen.

Still acts out rather than talking. I fear that she will be 40, and I will still be telling her to "use her words"...


Active Member
<span style="color: #003300">Yea.........this has been a problem his WHOLE life.
"Use your words" should be tatooed on his forehead. Even with our dogs, he would rather go on a non-understandable rant, rather than simply say "NO". I mean - how hard is it to simply say NO (especially to dogs)........instead he has to scream?
It is the same in his personal life, and always has been. He will not talk to counselors, or friends, or god forbid, his Mom - but he certainly lets everyone around him know that he is unhappy by his actions. I really just don't get it - it must just be part of the wiring in these kids brains.</span>


My difficult child will talk AFTER if I persue it. Most of the time, after a rage (which is sometimes an enire weekend) I am just so worn out I have no desire to discuss it. But this baffles me also. How can these rages occur, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, and then everything be fine like nothing ever happened. Am I just not forgiving enough? Am I wrong for not letting go?
I have decided husband has the same problem. After what happened this past weekend, he never mentioned it, and went on as if nothing ever happened. But it did. Is it me? I understand you need to move on, but geez, some things really hurt and is hard to put behind you. When difficult child and I do discuss what happened, he is remorseful and agree's with everything I say. He may just be saying that to apease me. That was easy child's advice to him. Instead of arguing every point, just agree and let the issue die out.
Good or not?


New Member
LOL @ "use your words" when she's 40. Thats hysterical. I'm going to try that on my husband the next time he goes on one of his rages. I'm sure it will calm him down!


Here we go again!
...How can these rages occur, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, and then everything be fine like nothing ever happened. ...

My family's tantrums are like that too -- they act like nothing happened once their "affective storms" have passed. They are like a lake that is suddenly calm after the storm (what storm?). But here I am on the land with the debris from their episodes all around me and no one to help clean it up!