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I also question many of my decisions. My son is much older than yours and I have come to the point where I absolutely can not continue with things the way they are. My son had many of the characteristics you describe all through school. I struggled with his problems for many years and still do.  I am only now recognizing that it has done him no good. You have taken every measure possible to try and help your son. He has to start contributing to the process. I agree that you and your husband go to therapy for yourselves I did and it helped me to recognize that I was not a bad mom. I did the best I could under difficult circumstances and so are you. Good luck to you and prayers are with you.