Why do I always question myself?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tryingtobreathe, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    My D.C. Is 16 years old. I won't go into his whole history, but these behaviors have been going on for 7 long years. He was just suspended for 2 days from school for fighting. This is his 2nd code of conduct disorder (for sports). Last year he got one for smoking pot. The school went easy on him last year because he "self reported". I corrected them on that. His dad and I reported him. Trying desperately to get him to see that there are consequences. Last month his school computer was taken back by the school because he was using it to download porn and other stuff. We also reported that. It was turned over to the police and they didn't find enough to press charges. They told us they found that he has an interest in illegal activity but nothing they could charge him with. If he fights again at school he will be expelled. The police are deciding whether or not to issue a citation.

    He told us he feels no remorse about what happened and has been a real piece of work with a lovely attitude ever since he got in trouble at school (well, he's always like that but more so now). The school thinks that sports is a good outlet for him (he does have to serve a sports suspension of half a season). I agree that it's a good outlet but am so done with all the crap. I want to tell him that in order to play he needs to get a job and pay for the sports fees. (Oh...he also refuses to work). Why work when you can hang out with friends or sleep??? I feel like he needs to have some sort of monetary input - maybe it will mean more and he'll take behaving so he can play sports more seriously. His dad agrees. So...why do I feel bad? Like I am taking away something from him? Why do I feel guilty? Why do I always question myself?
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome and knowntou are not alone. These behaviours are going to lead to more difficulty for your son as he get older if he does not start to be more compliant with societal rules.

    I know how this fe last my Difficult Child is now 18 and does not have his high school diploma and is facing adult criminal charges.

    Has your son been assessed for any form of issues or challenges? Does he see a therapist? Do you seek therapy for yourself? This is not an easy situation to manage.

    I might suggest if he is not compliant with school rules, is smoking pot and or other drugs and has violent tendacies a job is going to be difficult to find or hold onto.

    Setting boundaries and expectations at home is very important. This will need to be done with the support of all parents involved. If he breaks the rules you must be prepared to follow through with consequences.

    Ther is a good book that is called Don’t Let Your Children Kill You. It’s worth a read.

    You are not alone. This is a very challenging time. Many people here are facing similar struggles.
     
  3. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    My son was diagnosed last year with impulse control disorder, traits of narcissistic personality disorder and is seeing a therapist (has been for several years). Therapist has told us that he is heading towards a diagnosis of conduct disorder and I agree. My husband and I are thinking of starting therapy for the two of us. God knows we are under a lot of stress with our son and our daughter (she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and is autistic). We have also had our son meet with his primary physician, principal , endocrinologist (he's diabetic), pastor, coach, police, etc. Everyone encourages him to get on the right track. That the consequences are only going to get worse but....he doesn't listen.

    Thing is that my son is super smart and could absolutely hold down a job. We have encouraged him to do so as he will need some sort of money for after high school graduation. At that point he will be 19 and we have decided that he cannot continue living here. We are within walking distance of several places where teens work (McDonald's, Taco Bell, subway, etc). All of us friends have part time jobs. He is very charming and does very well communicating with adults (a little too charming). He has informed us that he doesn't want to work. Well....he's going to have to at some point because I'm not paying his way after he graduates (unless a miraculous change of behavior occurs)

    If I saw any effort on his part or remorse or (list goes on) I would feel better about his future. I'm trying to remember that his future life is HIS and I can't control it. But he's a minor with a lot of potential and I am struggling.

    I will definitely check out the recommended book. It definitely helps to know I'm not alone even though I would never wish this upon anyone
     
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We are in the same boat my son is 18. He has drug problems and diagnosis of CD. He is now 18 failing in high school againand facing criminal charges. He has lost 5 or 6 jobs in a year, I have lost count.
    We are waiting for a bed in a long term rehab program. We will not support another full time jobless attempt and high school and he needs to get on with his life. We are. It certain If we want him here after he is done rehab.
     
  5. Bookwitch1

    Bookwitch1 New Member

    I was sitting at my desk yesterday and thought to myself, "It has been so peaceful and happy for the last few weeks because my adult daughter is out of my life". This sounds so harsh and goes against every taboo that we learn as parents in this society but IT IS THE TRUTH. Just wanted to chime in and support all the parents out there of grown children who are addicted or troubled and 'it's all their fault' (the parents). STOP! Detach and live your life!!! OMG it's been the hardest thing, but ultimately, truthfully, my life is much better. She is 25 and my only child; I love her and always will but cannot let her abuse and blame me anymore. We are all masters of our own lives.....much support to everyone struggling with this situation.
     
  6. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    It’s so easy to question yourself as a parent. You’re never sure if you’re doing the best thing or not. I try to remind myself that I am making the best possible decision I can, with what I have, at this point in time.

    Making him get a job is nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion. Making him pay for things above necessities (food, shelter and basic clothing) in my opinion is completely ok. I had to work growing up because my parents refused to buy my clothing or my uniform for school. Not because we couldn’t afford it but because they wanted me to work for it. It sucked at 14 but I also appreciate it now as an adult, I know what it means to work hard.

    I personally don’t believe that taking away sports is a good choice but having him pay for them, even say half the cost might help. It’s one of those things you won’t really know until you try. If it works, great. If not, we’ll back to the drawing board.

    I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I know the toll it takes on a marriage. It’s exhausting and leaves you traumatized. You’re not alone.