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General Parenting
Why do I always question myself?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741225" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There are some people who are constitutionally unable to contribute to the process. They do not get it and will never get it. They are hard-wired to see things in stereotypical ways and this limits the extent to which they learn or are willing to learn. For those of us who have the cognitive flexibility to look at things different, this is frustrating and we personalize it. We believe if we explain it differently, persist in trying, try other approaches, etc. they will and they can get it. In the case of my own son he always had behavioral challenges but was never aggressive. He was compliant and loving. He tried to the best of his ability. Until he grew up.</p><p></p><p>Then he became the center of things. His will. His wants. His rules. Which when you think of it, is the adult way to be. To my discredit, I could not let go of the idea that I knew better than did he and kept making my help contingent upon his listening to me about how to live. I am finally seeing that he is entirely correct. He will have to live the life he can live, and sustain. To the extent he is unable to contribute to the process, he will be helped by or contained by society.</p><p></p><p>While my own heart is broken, I see what triedandtrue sees. When our children are unable to respond to our support and care, over a period of time, by minimal compliance, insufficient self-care and some degree of cooperation there is no place for them in our homes.</p><p></p><p>The problem is that it is very, very difficult for a parent to face this. All during my son's twenties I have tried to escape this reality. And still I seek to flee it.</p><p></p><p>For younger adult children Job Corps is one option. That way they leave the house and get a skill. But keeping them around in perpetuity has not served me or my son. I love him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741225, member: 18958"] There are some people who are constitutionally unable to contribute to the process. They do not get it and will never get it. They are hard-wired to see things in stereotypical ways and this limits the extent to which they learn or are willing to learn. For those of us who have the cognitive flexibility to look at things different, this is frustrating and we personalize it. We believe if we explain it differently, persist in trying, try other approaches, etc. they will and they can get it. In the case of my own son he always had behavioral challenges but was never aggressive. He was compliant and loving. He tried to the best of his ability. Until he grew up. Then he became the center of things. His will. His wants. His rules. Which when you think of it, is the adult way to be. To my discredit, I could not let go of the idea that I knew better than did he and kept making my help contingent upon his listening to me about how to live. I am finally seeing that he is entirely correct. He will have to live the life he can live, and sustain. To the extent he is unable to contribute to the process, he will be helped by or contained by society. While my own heart is broken, I see what triedandtrue sees. When our children are unable to respond to our support and care, over a period of time, by minimal compliance, insufficient self-care and some degree of cooperation there is no place for them in our homes. The problem is that it is very, very difficult for a parent to face this. All during my son's twenties I have tried to escape this reality. And still I seek to flee it. For younger adult children Job Corps is one option. That way they leave the house and get a skill. But keeping them around in perpetuity has not served me or my son. I love him. [/QUOTE]
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