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Why Do I try soo hard?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 284166" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am sorry your husband punished all of you for what his kids didn't do. have you asked him why he is so horrid to you and the children at home when you are trying to be nice, to celebrate him?</p><p></p><p>Does he know he is doing this? I think he may, though he may never actually admit to it.</p><p></p><p>I wonder what would happen if you treated him the way you would treat the kids if they behaved that way? </p><p></p><p>I think Marg's mom handled that beautifully. It seems your husband got even MORE attention by acting increasingly rude no matter how nice you were. Sort of like he was trying to cause a fight so he could blow up and let his resentment and hurt feelings out in a pseudo-manly way. </p><p></p><p>The bit with the ordering was just childish. If you hadn't ordered the beer he would have accused you of not caring and letting him die of thirst because you should "know" he wanted a beer, and what kind of beer at that.</p><p></p><p>It sort of reminds me of talking with my mom and a family friend who is a few years younger than she is. The friend, A, was having troubles with her husband,B. Each time something happened at work, or with the kids or whatever B would get all upset and be rude to everyone. If she asked him to stop, or had the kids leave the table or whatever, then he would mope and pout and refuse to speak to her (sometimes for days).</p><p></p><p>B would not ever come out and ask her not to do something. Nor would he tell her something bugged him.</p><p></p><p>My mom's response to A's worry about the times B didn't talk to her shocked A. My mom asked, "Having him give you the silent treatment is a problem How? A used to push and poke and prod and pamper B every time he did the silent treatment. My mom figured that if he was quiet, then surely nothing could be wrong. If something was wrong wouldn't he come to her like an adult to work it out? </p><p></p><p>Not only did this change how A saw things, it enlightened me and has made me a better wife.</p><p></p><p>The first few times A treated B this way it was a major shock. It did help stop the silent treatment for them.</p><p></p><p>I am NOT telling you what to do, just offering you a different perspective. </p><p></p><p>Another thing that might be part of things is that sometimes guys like to go hole up in their man caves and lick their wounds rather than interact and be social. Even when the social stuff is to show appreciation of him it still may be just too much for him to handle.</p><p></p><p>Maybe if you asked him if instead of trying to make him feel special that you should have let him go off alone to deal with the hurt? It might help you both figure out a healthier way to cope. I had to learn to give husband time and space if he was upset. I would want to talk and find solutions immediately while husband needed to have alone time to work things through on his own.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry your day was not fun.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 284166, member: 1233"] I am sorry your husband punished all of you for what his kids didn't do. have you asked him why he is so horrid to you and the children at home when you are trying to be nice, to celebrate him? Does he know he is doing this? I think he may, though he may never actually admit to it. I wonder what would happen if you treated him the way you would treat the kids if they behaved that way? I think Marg's mom handled that beautifully. It seems your husband got even MORE attention by acting increasingly rude no matter how nice you were. Sort of like he was trying to cause a fight so he could blow up and let his resentment and hurt feelings out in a pseudo-manly way. The bit with the ordering was just childish. If you hadn't ordered the beer he would have accused you of not caring and letting him die of thirst because you should "know" he wanted a beer, and what kind of beer at that. It sort of reminds me of talking with my mom and a family friend who is a few years younger than she is. The friend, A, was having troubles with her husband,B. Each time something happened at work, or with the kids or whatever B would get all upset and be rude to everyone. If she asked him to stop, or had the kids leave the table or whatever, then he would mope and pout and refuse to speak to her (sometimes for days). B would not ever come out and ask her not to do something. Nor would he tell her something bugged him. My mom's response to A's worry about the times B didn't talk to her shocked A. My mom asked, "Having him give you the silent treatment is a problem How? A used to push and poke and prod and pamper B every time he did the silent treatment. My mom figured that if he was quiet, then surely nothing could be wrong. If something was wrong wouldn't he come to her like an adult to work it out? Not only did this change how A saw things, it enlightened me and has made me a better wife. The first few times A treated B this way it was a major shock. It did help stop the silent treatment for them. I am NOT telling you what to do, just offering you a different perspective. Another thing that might be part of things is that sometimes guys like to go hole up in their man caves and lick their wounds rather than interact and be social. Even when the social stuff is to show appreciation of him it still may be just too much for him to handle. Maybe if you asked him if instead of trying to make him feel special that you should have let him go off alone to deal with the hurt? It might help you both figure out a healthier way to cope. I had to learn to give husband time and space if he was upset. I would want to talk and find solutions immediately while husband needed to have alone time to work things through on his own. I am sorry your day was not fun. [/QUOTE]
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