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General Parenting
Why Do I try soo hard?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 284173" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>He could very well mean it when he says he doesn't want to separate. Why would he? He's got a lot working the way he wants it. So take heart, he probably does still ove you, he justisn't behavingh in a responsible mature way. He's put you in the Mummy role and himself in the hurt child role, and you're supposed to be a mind-reader.</p><p></p><p>If he won't go to marriage counselling, then go on your own.</p><p></p><p>Some things for you to tattoo onto your forehead in letters of fire - </p><p></p><p>1) Each person is responsible for their own happiness. Never take on board someone else's misery. You can sympathise, at most.</p><p></p><p>2)) Communicate. Next time he's got the sulks, either totally ignore him (and act like it's any other day and get on with your own life for the time being) or come right out and say, "Talk to me. Tell me what is bugging you. I won't try to fix it unless you also ask me for help, but at least we can talk about why you are unhappy."</p><p>If he responds with, "There's nothing wrong with me," then your response is, "I am so pleased. That means I can get on with what I was doing now I know you're quite content and everything is fine." </p><p>If there is no problem, then he's not allowed to sulk. Be prepared to say this to him. If he says, "I'm not sulking!" then sit down and tell him the list of what he has said or done to make you think he IS sulking. Put it in "I" statements, not "you" statements. Along the lines of, "I felt hurt when you responded with ...". That way he can take it on board or not, and you can always say, "It is how I saw it. If I am wrong, I am glad. But if I perceive your mood this way, then there is generally a reason for it. Maybe my perceptions are faulty. That's just one more reason why I need you to tell me if you're upset about anything, even if it's something out of my control."</p><p>It's the "put up or shut up" strategy.</p><p></p><p>3) If you try to keep the peace at all costs, you lose out long term. All good relationships need conflict, as long as that conflict is healthily resolved. Think plate tectonics - pressures build up in the rocks, always. When those pressues are frequently released in small bursts without allowing them to build up dangerously, it is safe and healthy. Otherwise, it can be destructive and catastrophic. Trying to pretend there isn't the chance of an earthquake is asking for more trouble than you need.</p><p>You want to enjoy your remaining time with easy child - then keep all other conflict to a minimum by dealing with it, otherwise it becomes the elephant in the room and nobody enjoys their time because of the unresolved and unadmitted tension.</p><p></p><p>4) Learn to value yourself and respect yourself. You deserve respect. If difficult child is to ever learn to show respect to you, then he must see you respecting yourself. YOU set the standard that you want difficult child to follow. You don't have to be 'heavy' about it, no need to shout or get upset (that's husband's department!). Simply be polite but firm. "I'm not buying into that - cut out the sulks and either tell me honestly what is bugging you, or go take yourself off into your shed until you can be sociable. If I have done something to upset you, be man enough to tell me now, openly and honestly. And if I haven't - then get off my case."</p><p></p><p>If he has decided he wants to separate, then there's not a lot you can do about it. You will need to be self-sufficient and independent. But if he wants to stay together - you will need to be self-sufficient and independent.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, go do some research on passive aggressive people and how to nip that stuff in the bud. Become an expert - after all, you have a head start!</p><p></p><p>hugs, you need it. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 284173, member: 1991"] He could very well mean it when he says he doesn't want to separate. Why would he? He's got a lot working the way he wants it. So take heart, he probably does still ove you, he justisn't behavingh in a responsible mature way. He's put you in the Mummy role and himself in the hurt child role, and you're supposed to be a mind-reader. If he won't go to marriage counselling, then go on your own. Some things for you to tattoo onto your forehead in letters of fire - 1) Each person is responsible for their own happiness. Never take on board someone else's misery. You can sympathise, at most. 2)) Communicate. Next time he's got the sulks, either totally ignore him (and act like it's any other day and get on with your own life for the time being) or come right out and say, "Talk to me. Tell me what is bugging you. I won't try to fix it unless you also ask me for help, but at least we can talk about why you are unhappy." If he responds with, "There's nothing wrong with me," then your response is, "I am so pleased. That means I can get on with what I was doing now I know you're quite content and everything is fine." If there is no problem, then he's not allowed to sulk. Be prepared to say this to him. If he says, "I'm not sulking!" then sit down and tell him the list of what he has said or done to make you think he IS sulking. Put it in "I" statements, not "you" statements. Along the lines of, "I felt hurt when you responded with ...". That way he can take it on board or not, and you can always say, "It is how I saw it. If I am wrong, I am glad. But if I perceive your mood this way, then there is generally a reason for it. Maybe my perceptions are faulty. That's just one more reason why I need you to tell me if you're upset about anything, even if it's something out of my control." It's the "put up or shut up" strategy. 3) If you try to keep the peace at all costs, you lose out long term. All good relationships need conflict, as long as that conflict is healthily resolved. Think plate tectonics - pressures build up in the rocks, always. When those pressues are frequently released in small bursts without allowing them to build up dangerously, it is safe and healthy. Otherwise, it can be destructive and catastrophic. Trying to pretend there isn't the chance of an earthquake is asking for more trouble than you need. You want to enjoy your remaining time with easy child - then keep all other conflict to a minimum by dealing with it, otherwise it becomes the elephant in the room and nobody enjoys their time because of the unresolved and unadmitted tension. 4) Learn to value yourself and respect yourself. You deserve respect. If difficult child is to ever learn to show respect to you, then he must see you respecting yourself. YOU set the standard that you want difficult child to follow. You don't have to be 'heavy' about it, no need to shout or get upset (that's husband's department!). Simply be polite but firm. "I'm not buying into that - cut out the sulks and either tell me honestly what is bugging you, or go take yourself off into your shed until you can be sociable. If I have done something to upset you, be man enough to tell me now, openly and honestly. And if I haven't - then get off my case." If he has decided he wants to separate, then there's not a lot you can do about it. You will need to be self-sufficient and independent. But if he wants to stay together - you will need to be self-sufficient and independent. In the meantime, go do some research on passive aggressive people and how to nip that stuff in the bud. Become an expert - after all, you have a head start! hugs, you need it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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