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Why is it such a hard concept?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 404248" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>GRRRRR. Just lost a long post. Will try to re-create.</p><p> </p><p>What you are all saying is true. We don't get anything near the help we need and deserve. Part of it is that the docs/social workers/etc... don't know what to do. Our kids are NOT a problem they have ever seen except for very rare occasions in the past. They are far more clueless than they, or we, want to admit. Society plays a role in the sheer number of difficult children that exist by allowing so many many things to be "okay". How are kids to learn acceptable behavior from a society where schools have to send letters home telling parents that it is not appropriate for kids to wear pimp and hoe costumes to school for Halloween celebrations. Or the school just bans the costumes completely because they don't know how to handle accusations of discriminating or being somehow racist because they won't allow these costumes. I have heard people arguing this, passionately, at school - ELEMENTARY school!</p><p> </p><p>In a society where that is accepted, how are we to NOT have huge numbers of difficult children? Can you IMAGINE a parent saying that back when WE were kids? Or would most parents have tanned our backsides orwashed our mouths out with soap for ASKING to be a pimp or hoe for Halloween? That is at 18 or so, imagine what your parents would have done if you wanted to wear that at age 9?? Not pretty, is it?? </p><p> </p><p>So it isn't any wonder that what the so called experts know to do isn't effective. But this is NOT just for abusive, violent kids. Until VERY recently in our history, women who were abused were given NO HELP either. It was a marital or family issue. Cops didn't help. They either didn't see why they should or they got worn down because all the people who refused to press charges. This is why cops in many states have NO CHOICE if they see signs of DV like bruises, cuts, etc... Then the state takes over and presses charges just like it does in cases of murder. This is a NEW thing for our society. It didn't happen until those who were being abused started the DV centers and started being politically active. Even then it took decades to see real progress. </p><p> </p><p>Why is it that so few of us seek help at DV centers. Yeah, unless we have someone to send the child to we cannot just go to a shelter, but we CAN get other kinds of help. After I opened my eyes and realized that my son was abusing me, that I was a battered woman even though my abuser was my child, I went. I was the first parent to ask for help at our shelter. They were willing to try if I was. Both in individual and in group therapy. It truly was an amazing experience and life changing. </p><p> </p><p>It is HARD to walk in to a DV center and admit that you are being abused. It is HARD to open your eyes and see that this child that you love so dearly is beating, battering, abusing you. Whether it is verbal, physical, emotional or sexual, it is so much harder to admit to abuse when it is your child doing it. We moms think we are God and we are responsible for everything about our child. If he is a difficult child then it is our fault. We didn't see it, we didn't teach him better, we didn't nurture her enough, we should have gotten more therapy for him, yada yada yada. If we admit that they are abusing us, we have to admit (we think) that we did it wrong. This is EXACTLY how many abused women think about their spouses. </p><p> </p><p>We are not God. We did the best we could, and it is time to accept our limitations - to accept that we CANNOT make a difficult child do much of anything unless they want to. The same is true for PCs, they just WANT to make us happy. </p><p> </p><p>If we want this to change, we are going to have to make it change ourselves. I believe if we start going to DV centers for help we can use their methods and progress to help with this issue. LOTS of money has been raised to help those in abusive relationships. When our parents were young there was none of this $$ available. There were no federal grants and corporate sponsorship of this, but that has changed. Lets bring this to a forum that can actually HELP us rather than keeping it limited to the psychiatrists, tdocs, phosps, etc... where the focus is on how sick the abuser is rather than how unacceptable their actions are and how the victims need support. </p><p> </p><p>Until we start doing this, NOTHING is oging to change much. The tdocs,psychiatrists, etc.. have no real investment in helping us because it means admitting that everything they are doing is USELESS with our kids. They get little reward for fighting this battle with a difficult child. Social workers, etc... don't have much reason to really help. It would wreck their budgets and they would have to stop blaming us, which is really easy. </p><p> </p><p>I DO think the way things are handled now is idiotic. Esp when you can PROVE to a new therapist/psychiatrist/whoever that you have done the contracts, stickers, tokens ten times each and they will STILL insist you do it "their way" before they try anything esle. We need to look for other ways to handle things. DV centers are at least closer to understanding the thoughts and feelings behind abuse perpetrated by adults. Seems logical that they are closer to figuring it out in difficult child kids too. </p><p> </p><p>This is NOT meant as criticism of any of you or things you have tried. It is NOT trying to blame us, the parents, for going to the only sources of help that are findable. It is just meant as a different way to approach the problem. </p><p> </p><p>We are going to have to accept that the blame from those who don't have a clue isn't going to change soon. I am so sorry for all of the times any of us were made to feel small or awful because we had a child palced somewehre. It hurts. Bad. I still get it from people who find out that I refused to let my teenage son live with us and abuse us. Heck, my FAMILY is still angry with me for it (cause they think I "exaggerated" everything). It hurts, badly, but we have to put our rhino skin on and do what we need to do to protect ourselves!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 404248, member: 1233"] GRRRRR. Just lost a long post. Will try to re-create. What you are all saying is true. We don't get anything near the help we need and deserve. Part of it is that the docs/social workers/etc... don't know what to do. Our kids are NOT a problem they have ever seen except for very rare occasions in the past. They are far more clueless than they, or we, want to admit. Society plays a role in the sheer number of difficult children that exist by allowing so many many things to be "okay". How are kids to learn acceptable behavior from a society where schools have to send letters home telling parents that it is not appropriate for kids to wear pimp and hoe costumes to school for Halloween celebrations. Or the school just bans the costumes completely because they don't know how to handle accusations of discriminating or being somehow racist because they won't allow these costumes. I have heard people arguing this, passionately, at school - ELEMENTARY school! In a society where that is accepted, how are we to NOT have huge numbers of difficult children? Can you IMAGINE a parent saying that back when WE were kids? Or would most parents have tanned our backsides orwashed our mouths out with soap for ASKING to be a pimp or hoe for Halloween? That is at 18 or so, imagine what your parents would have done if you wanted to wear that at age 9?? Not pretty, is it?? So it isn't any wonder that what the so called experts know to do isn't effective. But this is NOT just for abusive, violent kids. Until VERY recently in our history, women who were abused were given NO HELP either. It was a marital or family issue. Cops didn't help. They either didn't see why they should or they got worn down because all the people who refused to press charges. This is why cops in many states have NO CHOICE if they see signs of DV like bruises, cuts, etc... Then the state takes over and presses charges just like it does in cases of murder. This is a NEW thing for our society. It didn't happen until those who were being abused started the DV centers and started being politically active. Even then it took decades to see real progress. Why is it that so few of us seek help at DV centers. Yeah, unless we have someone to send the child to we cannot just go to a shelter, but we CAN get other kinds of help. After I opened my eyes and realized that my son was abusing me, that I was a battered woman even though my abuser was my child, I went. I was the first parent to ask for help at our shelter. They were willing to try if I was. Both in individual and in group therapy. It truly was an amazing experience and life changing. It is HARD to walk in to a DV center and admit that you are being abused. It is HARD to open your eyes and see that this child that you love so dearly is beating, battering, abusing you. Whether it is verbal, physical, emotional or sexual, it is so much harder to admit to abuse when it is your child doing it. We moms think we are God and we are responsible for everything about our child. If he is a difficult child then it is our fault. We didn't see it, we didn't teach him better, we didn't nurture her enough, we should have gotten more therapy for him, yada yada yada. If we admit that they are abusing us, we have to admit (we think) that we did it wrong. This is EXACTLY how many abused women think about their spouses. We are not God. We did the best we could, and it is time to accept our limitations - to accept that we CANNOT make a difficult child do much of anything unless they want to. The same is true for PCs, they just WANT to make us happy. If we want this to change, we are going to have to make it change ourselves. I believe if we start going to DV centers for help we can use their methods and progress to help with this issue. LOTS of money has been raised to help those in abusive relationships. When our parents were young there was none of this $$ available. There were no federal grants and corporate sponsorship of this, but that has changed. Lets bring this to a forum that can actually HELP us rather than keeping it limited to the psychiatrists, tdocs, phosps, etc... where the focus is on how sick the abuser is rather than how unacceptable their actions are and how the victims need support. Until we start doing this, NOTHING is oging to change much. The tdocs,psychiatrists, etc.. have no real investment in helping us because it means admitting that everything they are doing is USELESS with our kids. They get little reward for fighting this battle with a difficult child. Social workers, etc... don't have much reason to really help. It would wreck their budgets and they would have to stop blaming us, which is really easy. I DO think the way things are handled now is idiotic. Esp when you can PROVE to a new therapist/psychiatrist/whoever that you have done the contracts, stickers, tokens ten times each and they will STILL insist you do it "their way" before they try anything esle. We need to look for other ways to handle things. DV centers are at least closer to understanding the thoughts and feelings behind abuse perpetrated by adults. Seems logical that they are closer to figuring it out in difficult child kids too. This is NOT meant as criticism of any of you or things you have tried. It is NOT trying to blame us, the parents, for going to the only sources of help that are findable. It is just meant as a different way to approach the problem. We are going to have to accept that the blame from those who don't have a clue isn't going to change soon. I am so sorry for all of the times any of us were made to feel small or awful because we had a child palced somewehre. It hurts. Bad. I still get it from people who find out that I refused to let my teenage son live with us and abuse us. Heck, my FAMILY is still angry with me for it (cause they think I "exaggerated" everything). It hurts, badly, but we have to put our rhino skin on and do what we need to do to protect ourselves! [/QUOTE]
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