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Will be three weeks Wednesday since difficult child got out of jail...again
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630908" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I am working to stay in now, instead of the future. When I start to get a little hopeful, like I did when he was talking the "good talk", sounding sincere and clear and purposeful the first week or so---then I sink down when none of it comes to pass.</p><p></p><p>But, the ups aren't quite so high, and the downs aren't quite so low as they used to be. More like a wavy pattern. </p><p></p><p>So.....Then I have to "get real" again. Live in the now. It is what it is. Okay, so if it continues like this, I have to settle into it, not be waiting for change.</p><p></p><p>Remember last time? I realized after he got arrested I had been waiting every single day for a signal that he was changing.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to live there again. I don't want to live my life waiting on anyone else to do anything. I just want to lean in to today, with all of its good and bad components. </p><p></p><p>With difficult child, I want to accept what is, right now, today, without any expectations of anything else. </p><p></p><p>To do that---to get myself to do that---I have to almost go a little bit the "other way" to get back to center. </p><p></p><p>So, hey, Echo and RE, you are right. Of course there is always potential for change. Being the Sunny Susie, the Perpetual Romantic, and the Believer-that-all-things-are-possible that I am naturally, I don't think you can shake the hopefulness out of me. That is just how I am wired.</p><p></p><p>But I can't---and I don't want to---live in that state of hope. I want to allow for it, but I want to live in reality. This is a major shift in thinking for someone like me. </p><p></p><p>I am learning how to recover, and to change, and to turn the focus on myself, and every time I write about it here, and read about it elsewhere and hear it at Al-Anon, the neural pathways are rooted a little more firmly.</p><p></p><p>I am so different than I used to be, and it's all because of this journey. I am a much better person today, in all regards. I am grateful for that. But wow, it sure is hard and it sure does hurt, doesn't it?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630908, member: 17542"] I am working to stay in now, instead of the future. When I start to get a little hopeful, like I did when he was talking the "good talk", sounding sincere and clear and purposeful the first week or so---then I sink down when none of it comes to pass. But, the ups aren't quite so high, and the downs aren't quite so low as they used to be. More like a wavy pattern. So.....Then I have to "get real" again. Live in the now. It is what it is. Okay, so if it continues like this, I have to settle into it, not be waiting for change. Remember last time? I realized after he got arrested I had been waiting every single day for a signal that he was changing. I don't want to live there again. I don't want to live my life waiting on anyone else to do anything. I just want to lean in to today, with all of its good and bad components. With difficult child, I want to accept what is, right now, today, without any expectations of anything else. To do that---to get myself to do that---I have to almost go a little bit the "other way" to get back to center. So, hey, Echo and RE, you are right. Of course there is always potential for change. Being the Sunny Susie, the Perpetual Romantic, and the Believer-that-all-things-are-possible that I am naturally, I don't think you can shake the hopefulness out of me. That is just how I am wired. But I can't---and I don't want to---live in that state of hope. I want to allow for it, but I want to live in reality. This is a major shift in thinking for someone like me. I am learning how to recover, and to change, and to turn the focus on myself, and every time I write about it here, and read about it elsewhere and hear it at Al-Anon, the neural pathways are rooted a little more firmly. I am so different than I used to be, and it's all because of this journey. I am a much better person today, in all regards. I am grateful for that. But wow, it sure is hard and it sure does hurt, doesn't it? [/QUOTE]
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Will be three weeks Wednesday since difficult child got out of jail...again
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