Will he ever get it??

[comatheart]

Just wanted to update on difficult child.

He is still on dialysis, kidneys showing no sign of working on their own yet. He still has no feeling in his right leg, cantv even wiggle his toes.

Yesterday they put in another more long term catheter port for his dialysis.

He messed himself up so badly this time. :-(

When I showed up to visit last night, he was extremely agitated and irritable. I think perhaps he's having some withdrawal?

He still talks about getting out of the hospital and going right back to his apartment. He just doesn't get it!? He couldn't walk up the stairs to get INTO his apartment right now if he tried. Not to mention he nearly killed himself, AGAIN... and he wants to go right back to it??? I just don't even know what to say to him anymore. Our visits are very quiet.

He wants me to bring his cell phone to him at the hospital. I have ignored his requests so far. I do not want him calling up someone to bring him something he shouldn't have up to the hospital. Im struggling with that decision, but I'd never forgive myself if something happened by me proving those contacts right now.

Ugh. Just so tired.

 

[BusynMember]

comahead, I'm so sorry things are still so rough. I wouldn't bring his cell phone, if it were me. I can't control my kids, but I don't have to help them self-destruct by bringing them ammo to find "friends" who may bring them drugs. I would do nothing except support him emotionally.

Prayers going out to you and your son.

 

[2much2recover]

He wants me to bring his cell phone to him at the hospital. I have ignored his requests so far. I do not want him calling up someone to bring him something he shouldn't have up to the hospital. Im struggling with that decision, but I'd never forgive myself if something happened by me proving those contacts right now.

I think you are absolutely right not to give him the phone back. I know you are not ready to deal with his sketchy friends coming to visit him - should he call them. Because you are the rational one here, you have every right to make the healthy decisions for him and not giving him the phone is one of them. Maybe you can talk to someone at the hospital in the Social Services department about both how he got where he is and how to plan for his future. Are you paying the cellphone bill? If you are, just get rid of the phone itself - most young people no longer memorize telephone numbers they just look contacts up on their phone and call.

I feel for you, from what you are saying, he really doesn't get it at all. I truly hope, with time, these health issues resolve themselves. OMG I don't even know how you continue to deal. You are a strong woman!

 

[Lil]

He still talks about getting out of the hospital and going right back to his apartment. He just doesn't get it!? He couldn't walk up the stairs to get INTO his apartment right now if he tried. Not to mention he nearly killed himself, AGAIN... and he wants to go right back to it???

Is he working with the psychiatric department? I would imagine so...but someone needs to hit him over the head with reality.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. My heart just breaks for you. You and your son are in my prayers.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Now, while he is "captive" in the hospital, is the time to call in whatever resources are available - from in-hospital psychiatric, to social services and whatever else. He can't run away from them right now. You have a window of opportunity.

 

[Nancy]

I'm really sorry.My dad is 95 and an alcoholic. He doesn't drink now except an occassional beer but at his age he has a hard time remembering what day it is. Anywway over the years he was in and out of the hospital a number of times. It all started the same way...we was friendly even jovial with the nurses. By about 4-5 days in he started getting nervous, crabby, anxious. After that he was just downright belligerent and they either discharged him or he signed himself out. We all knew it was because he was going through withdrawal. I suspect your son is feeling a little of that.

I keep remembering what they told us in rehab, that drug addicts are not reasonable just because they are sober a few weeks, that they still think and act like an addict.

I hope someone from the hospital does spell it out for him and intervenes to get him help.

 

[dstc_99]

If he has lost the use of his leg he will need therapy to get it back or learn to live with it. I would start there. I am sure they already have a physical therapist working with him on keeping the leg strong. Make that individual aware of the stairs so that they can teach him how to maneuver them properly. That's one easy way to help him realize that stairs are going to be a problem.

As for the mental health care unless he can get inpatient care in the hospital you are going to have a difficult time. We had this issue with my mother several years back. She fell and broke both her legs during a 1 week time frame. She wasn't in her right mind due to her mental health and her diabetes being so out of whack. She was sane enough to know where she was and who she was so the hospital wouldn't take her as an inpatient. They wanted us to send her to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for long term care. The psychiatric hospital wouldn't take her because she couldn't participate in their activities. The psychiatric hospital also didn't have the level of health care available to handle a patient with two broken legs and crazy out of whack diabetes. They recommended a nursing home for physical therapy and diabetes care. The nursing home wouldn't take her unless she agreed to go. Remember the mental health issues mentioned above? She refused to go and since she wasn't out of her mind completely we couldn't make her.

ROUND AND ROUND WE WENT! Finally she agreed to go after I told her I couldn't care for her alone. She was rather large at the time and unable to put any weight on her legs. Plus she was out of her head about half the time so she didn't assist with things like rolling over in order to clean her.

I don't want to disuade you! You need to pull every string you can while he is there and don't stop pulling until you get some help. They will dump him back out with appts for therapy (physical and mental) and expect you to take care of him. They wont care that he is not well or that he is using drugs because as long as he isn't suicidal they can't do much against his will.

As far as the phone goes. Not giving it to him might make it slightly more difficult to get drugs but it will not stop him if he wants it bad enough. He has the phone in his room and the nurses station too. I still wouldn't want to give it to him. If it is his phone I would just tell him you don't have time to go get it. If it is your phone you allow him to use I would tell him NO.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry he did this to himself. If I were you I would make sure the hospital social workers know that you will NOT be available to drive him to therapy and care for him. Flat out tell them that you cannot give up your life because he made himself this sick and still won't care for himself. It will be HARD to do and you will likely get a heavy guilt trip from the hospital, but stand your ground. They have resources to help him, and can get him set up but they will not if they can get you to do it. They will even tell you they have no resources, but when yuo don't show up to take him home or to his apartment, they will find resources to help him rather than to keep him in the hospital.

Why do this? Because he has to truly hit HIS bottom and this hasn't been it so far. He is still not willing to accept help for his problems. If you step in and take him home, take him to his appts and do the at home care for him, he will NOT hit bottom and will NOT grow up the way he needs to. If you let him not only fall but flounder around a while, he has a far better chance of truly changing his life.

You also need to do this because you cannot fix him. You have to care for yourself and your younger kids, and their lives don't stop because he made himself sick. Bringing his drug use and other problems and influences into the lives of your other kids is not safe, sane or wise. Do not sacrifice the other kids on the altar of his gfgness. That means that until he accepts real help for the underlying addiction and mental illness behind his gfgness, he is not fit to be around his siblings. They don't deserve to go through all the turmoil and drama that he creates and craves. Neither do YOU.

So insist he keep his drama elsewhere. The hospital DOES have resources, you just have to really PUSH to get them. It isn't fun, but may help in the long run.

I really hope and pray he gets better from ALL of the problems.

 

[2much2recover]

I am sorry he did this to himself. If I were you I would make sure the hospital social workers know that you will NOT be available to drive him to therapy and care for him. Flat out tell them that you cannot give up your life because he made himself this sick and still won't care for himself. It will be HARD to do and you will likely get a heavy guilt trip from the hospital, but stand your ground. They have resources to help him, and can get him set up but they will not if they can get you to do it. They will even tell you they have no resources, but when you don't show up to take him home or to his apartment, they will find resources to help him rather than to keep him in the hospital.

Yep, the social workers will lie to you and guilt you into doing things they say they don't have the resources for (when, oh when, did it become OK for people in these positions to lie to family - shakes head)

When I showed up to visit last night, he was extremely agitated and irritable. I think perhaps he's having some withdrawal?

Our lawn care people (we adore the whole family) went through this when their son almost died from a heroin OD. Some advice apparently worked out OK - try to remember when dealing with him, when there is something not quite right with his brain, there IS something WRONG with his brain. It takes time for the brain to beginning to function on a more (physically functional) normal level after going through the trauma of an OD. Try and have patience, even though he doesn't deserve it, because right now you really have no idea what you are dealing with. Give the brain time to heal, the rest is all just wasted breath and emotion.

 

[susiestar]

In the language of head trauma, time to heal means a lot more time than you think. Given research on Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)'s and sports, we know it can take as long as an entire year to heal from a brain injury that is not traumatic. A traumatic injury takes even longer, and is very difficult.

As for staff lying about resources, they see soooo may people with major problems that they do all they can to get family and friends to pay for what is needed simply because the need is great ad the supply of funds is not. It does NOT mean that the family should pay for difficult children choices. It just means they need to be very private about their resources and to be very firm about not paying his bills for him. Staff just tries to stretch their limited resources.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm a huge believer in tough love, but if my son was only eighteen and as sick as yours, comahead, I would do all I could to support and try to help so he did not die. It would be a selfish decision...I could not bear to know my child may die and watch it happen, but at his level of dysfunction I would still try...as much as I could. I'd be there. I'd never ever give him any way to communicate with anyone outside the hospital. Doubt he's paying his cell phone bill so it's really yours. Let him use the regular phone...it records who he calls and costs him money.

Being a proactive person, I'd look around f or University rehabs that are lenient about payment options, but good about care. I'd stay as much as I could stay until he was more stable, partly to make sure his "friends" don't get time alone with him. I'd talk to the nurses and see if I could gain allies, even though he is eighteen. They are responsible if he gets hurt in their facility because they are not being careful enough. I would do that while he recovers.

I would NOT bring him home. That's where I'd draw the line. Not my house. Not my money going directly to you for anything. I'd be there as an emotional anchor. If I was rebuffed and/or abused, then I'd give up.

I am not in any way telling you to do this. And I don't believe Susie or a nyone who gave you advice is wrong. But I'm telling you what I know I'd do and how far I'd take it. I'd help to a point, but, in the end, it is his life, his choices, nobody can stop the drug use once he is out of the hospital. Does he have Medicaid?

Anyway, I wish you luck. I hope that once he has his senses back completely this becomes a wake up call. I know somebody who lost a fairly young child to alcoholism and...it was so very sad. He overdosed on alcohol and killed his liver. He was 26. I tear up remembering.

I know myself. If this ever happened a second time, after I put in so much emotion and time to try to give it one last shot, I don't even know if I'd go to the hospital. But I'd do it the first time. Again, just take what is useful, if anything, and leave the rest. I am not an expert on this.

 

[2much2recover]

It does NOT mean that the family should pay for difficult children choices. It just means they need to be very private about their resources and to be very firm about not paying his bills for him. Staff just tries to stretch their limited resources.

I so agree with this, your son is now an adult, and thus, you are no longer financially responsible for whatever he needs next. Be aware though, they may try to get you to sign to BE responsible (Don't sign anything). Be on top of your toes whenever anyone is talking to you about future treatment that you will not be left on the hook financially. This is not rejecting him...........it is rejecting being financially responsible for someone who continues to make bad choices. I would bet, if your son is going to need long term treatment that they will be able to get him on SSI/Medicaid far faster than you ever could.
This is a really sad case of what can go wrong when young adults continue to use and abuse drugs. I feel for you Comatheart.

 

[susiestar]

None of us are experts, of course. And of course you should take what helps you and ignore the rest - NONE of us will be upset if you ignore our advice. We know you need to do what you need to do.

Do not agree to take the $$ responsibility for anything. If they come to talk to you about it, tell them you are too tired/stressed to discuss it or tell them that HIPPA means it isn't something that they can discuss with you. There has to be an up side to HIPPA for parents, Know what I mean?? I know that here they have told me that it prevents them from discussing J's bills with me even though I pay them all. She has to have it on record that they can talk to me first. That may be just here though.

Given the major and traumatic nature of this, the hospital can and should negotiate the medicaid paperwork fairly easily. They are specialists in this and you should take advantage of this. Given that difficult child won't be working, he will have no income and medicaid should be fairly easy to get. It should also pay for everything including rides to appointments. Here it provides a van to shuttle people to appointments even ones with specialists an hour away. The only time it didn't provide a ride was when J had to go to a hospital in Dallas for a week, but they paid mileage for it. this was back when husband was out of work and we had it for the kids.

Generally if there is a medicaid copay it is very low, $2 or $3, so take advantage of letting the hospital staff handle the paperwork and let medicaid cover the medical bills. That is what it is there for. difficult child is a adult and he needs to have to deal with all of the fallout from his bad choices.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

 

[Childofmine]

I just don't even know what to say to him anymore. Our visits are very quiet.

I think this is a good place to be, for you and for him. Silence is good. Being together, sitting in silence, without you trying to control or manage or fix, and him not having to blame or deny or coerce---that is a new place to be and a good place to be. Consider this progress.

He wants me to bring his cell phone to him at the hospital. I have ignored his requests so far.

I would tell him kindly that I will not bring his cell phone. He won't like it, and if he shouts, I would leave the room.

I agree with all above that this is a time to bring all possible resources to bear on him and his health---mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

You won't be able to get through to him at all (I don't believe parents are meant to be the ones) but he might listen to other people, even a little bit. You can be the facilitator.

I am very sorry that he has done this to himself. I always remind myself that things can be much worse than they are today. They have been worse in the past and they can get worse again.

I know you love your son and it's so hard to watch him self-destruct. Take a breath, take a step back, and spend some time right now on taking care of YOU. He is right where he needs to be.