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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660668" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>HI Cedar. I hope your fourth was a joy.</p><p></p><p>I pretty much neglected my mother until she got ill, and it was clear she could not go on alone. My sister who had always lived closed to her had moved across the country. It was clear cut. My mother needed help.</p><p></p><p>Our relationship as long as she remained healthy for the most part was on the phone. We kept it light. That we have some relationship was important to both of us.</p><p></p><p>For my mother, as a daughter I could always have been better and done more. She never believed she got the treatment to which she was entitled by right. She did not have those same expectations of herself as a mother. At some point I decided this was an arrangement that did not work for me. I left it.</p><p>This is exactly what happened when I assumed responsibility for my mother at the end. And this is why eventually I insisted we find another place for my mother to live, after bringing her to my home.</p><p></p><p>While she still had the personal power and strength to impose her will on me, she did. And I accepted the abuse, to a point. I still feel guilty that I tried to stop it. </p><p></p><p>Because she declined horribly when she could no longer control her environment. In the Board and Care home they did not allow dictators. When she was no longer able to dominate and abuse, <em>she felt abused</em>, and she denounced them as abusers.</p><p></p><p>But I felt as if I was her abuser, too. Because I did not allow her to continue to abuse me. I felt the abuser.</p><p></p><p>But she did not stop abusing me and blaming be for it all, in any way she could. To her, it was my fault. That was when she began the screaming when I would arrive where she lived. And to tell the caretaker that she cared not one bit if I came or not. She abused as long as she cold.</p><p></p><p>Her arrogance. Her entitlement. Were not tolerated. To her this was abuse.</p><p></p><p>As I think about it now, I realize that my mother's worldview was based upon power. She wanted power and needed it. She would never submit, even at the end. In a perfect world she would not have had to. People get old, and cannot any longer control her environment. </p><p></p><p>The intention was to have her live with us until she died, without interruption, and we did care for her in our home for the last 4 months of her life. But while she had power she could not stop herself from treating me badly. She did so as long as she could.</p><p>I see it this way. My mother loved me in the way she could. Being who she was, she loved the way she could. I believe my mother at some points in my life could see me as I was. But she never helped me to realize my dreams or even protect myself. It was not a priority.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660668, member: 18958"] HI Cedar. I hope your fourth was a joy. I pretty much neglected my mother until she got ill, and it was clear she could not go on alone. My sister who had always lived closed to her had moved across the country. It was clear cut. My mother needed help. Our relationship as long as she remained healthy for the most part was on the phone. We kept it light. That we have some relationship was important to both of us. For my mother, as a daughter I could always have been better and done more. She never believed she got the treatment to which she was entitled by right. She did not have those same expectations of herself as a mother. At some point I decided this was an arrangement that did not work for me. I left it. This is exactly what happened when I assumed responsibility for my mother at the end. And this is why eventually I insisted we find another place for my mother to live, after bringing her to my home. While she still had the personal power and strength to impose her will on me, she did. And I accepted the abuse, to a point. I still feel guilty that I tried to stop it. Because she declined horribly when she could no longer control her environment. In the Board and Care home they did not allow dictators. When she was no longer able to dominate and abuse, [I]she felt abused[/I], and she denounced them as abusers. But I felt as if I was her abuser, too. Because I did not allow her to continue to abuse me. I felt the abuser. But she did not stop abusing me and blaming be for it all, in any way she could. To her, it was my fault. That was when she began the screaming when I would arrive where she lived. And to tell the caretaker that she cared not one bit if I came or not. She abused as long as she cold. Her arrogance. Her entitlement. Were not tolerated. To her this was abuse. As I think about it now, I realize that my mother's worldview was based upon power. She wanted power and needed it. She would never submit, even at the end. In a perfect world she would not have had to. People get old, and cannot any longer control her environment. The intention was to have her live with us until she died, without interruption, and we did care for her in our home for the last 4 months of her life. But while she had power she could not stop herself from treating me badly. She did so as long as she could. I see it this way. My mother loved me in the way she could. Being who she was, she loved the way she could. I believe my mother at some points in my life could see me as I was. But she never helped me to realize my dreams or even protect myself. It was not a priority. [/QUOTE]
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