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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661100" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think neglect is a value-laden word, Copa. "Benign neglect" might be a more appropriate phrase. Copa? "Self-protected from" is another. For whatever reason Copa, our moms saw everyone and everything in strictest terms of value to themselves. For my mom, I believe very much that this is true. We (my sibs and I) were and continue to be, no more than the current set of actors on her stage. It could be that for her, for my mom, we have no other reality. </p><p></p><p>This is an adult woman who beat her own children, who continued to abuse them into their adulthoods, who continued to seek power over them in every way possible.</p><p></p><p>Remember my posting about my mom muttering "Rich man's hostas!" and tearing up the living plants in my professionally landscaped garden the first time she saw it?</p><p></p><p>Who does things like that?!</p><p></p><p>Remember my posting that my own mother said to me that she enjoyed the jealousy between my sister and I over my mother?</p><p></p><p>My sister and I were both in our fifties, Copa. Jealousy issues should have been long resolved; those kinds of issues should have been resolved through compassion as we matured, should have been resolved and healed through the changing perspectives on all things that happens as we mature.</p><p></p><p>Yet, my mom believed herself to have found, and celebrated the existence of, jealousy <em>over her</em> between the sisters. </p><p></p><p>It would make sense that this would be a truth she could enjoy. It places her center stage; it makes her the tyrannical king again.</p><p></p><p>These people may never, ever change. Beating small children is an aberrant behavior. Our moms never stopped beating us, they only stopped hitting. Maybe, that would have been next.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure it is happening somewhere to this day.</p><p></p><p>Or that abusive old moms are screaming their adult children awake in the middle of the night.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When I think about my mom and what I think she believes herself entitled to, I remember that she tried to turn each of the daughter's husbands away from her daughters. D H has never repeated what she told him. My sister's first husband, her second husband, and her third husband <em>and both my sister's daughters</em> were told terrible things about my sister. The daughters had been subverted separately. Each was asked, and told the mother what the grandmother had said. My sister confronted my mother with her daughters. </p><p></p><p>I think it goes back to not seeing us as real, Copa. </p><p></p><p>I am thinking about the "Rich man's hostas!" incident, again.</p><p></p><p>My mom was actually digging at the roots of the living plants with her bare fingers.</p><p></p><p>You know what we did after that?</p><p></p><p>Had dinner.</p><p></p><p>At my house.</p><p></p><p>That I cooked.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a good place for you to begin working then, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Why do you feel guilty for taking a stand for yourself, Copa? What are the negative tapes saying and who is speaking?</p><p></p><p>You have the right to claim your life, Copa. But like me, and like SWOT too, you will have to fight your internal mother for it.</p><p></p><p>The little girl that you were when she taught you who you were needs you to save her, Copa. The lion, the scarecrow, and the tin man going in to save Dorothy; the Wizard behind the curtain turning out to be a used car salesman from Kansas; Sleeping Beauty awakening at love's first kiss; the Rose, her four thorns all she has against the world, the unmuzzled sheep hungry.</p><p></p><p>In order for her to parade in the fire attending her own child's destruction, your mother taught you you were not worthy of defense, Copa. No boundaries allowed for you, or for me. </p><p></p><p>Four thorns, Copa.</p><p></p><p>No more than four little thorns, in all that wide, wide world.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think my mom's worldview is based upon finding and creating victims. Like any predator. That is just what they do, predators and abusers; that is just who they are. </p><p></p><p>The difference is that our cowardly abusers could not stop stupidly abusing, could not resist abusing and creating victims of, their own offspring. </p><p></p><p>It boggles the mind.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. As it seems was the case where my mom is concerned too Copa, a daughter who felt who felt she had a right to protect or to cherish herself would be a less amenable, less pliable, less hateful, victim. Two daughters who loved one another would be seen as a threat to the abuser.</p><p></p><p>And so, we lost our sisters, too.</p><p></p><p>Though I still say my sister was given the opportunity of making a different choice and did not. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661100, member: 17461"] I think neglect is a value-laden word, Copa. "Benign neglect" might be a more appropriate phrase. Copa? "Self-protected from" is another. For whatever reason Copa, our moms saw everyone and everything in strictest terms of value to themselves. For my mom, I believe very much that this is true. We (my sibs and I) were and continue to be, no more than the current set of actors on her stage. It could be that for her, for my mom, we have no other reality. This is an adult woman who beat her own children, who continued to abuse them into their adulthoods, who continued to seek power over them in every way possible. Remember my posting about my mom muttering "Rich man's hostas!" and tearing up the living plants in my professionally landscaped garden the first time she saw it? Who does things like that?! Remember my posting that my own mother said to me that she enjoyed the jealousy between my sister and I over my mother? My sister and I were both in our fifties, Copa. Jealousy issues should have been long resolved; those kinds of issues should have been resolved through compassion as we matured, should have been resolved and healed through the changing perspectives on all things that happens as we mature. Yet, my mom believed herself to have found, and celebrated the existence of, jealousy [I]over her[/I] between the sisters. It would make sense that this would be a truth she could enjoy. It places her center stage; it makes her the tyrannical king again. These people may never, ever change. Beating small children is an aberrant behavior. Our moms never stopped beating us, they only stopped hitting. Maybe, that would have been next. I'm sure it is happening somewhere to this day. Or that abusive old moms are screaming their adult children awake in the middle of the night. When I think about my mom and what I think she believes herself entitled to, I remember that she tried to turn each of the daughter's husbands away from her daughters. D H has never repeated what she told him. My sister's first husband, her second husband, and her third husband [I]and both my sister's daughters[/I] were told terrible things about my sister. The daughters had been subverted separately. Each was asked, and told the mother what the grandmother had said. My sister confronted my mother with her daughters. I think it goes back to not seeing us as real, Copa. I am thinking about the "Rich man's hostas!" incident, again. My mom was actually digging at the roots of the living plants with her bare fingers. You know what we did after that? Had dinner. At my house. That I cooked. This is a good place for you to begin working then, Copa. Why do you feel guilty for taking a stand for yourself, Copa? What are the negative tapes saying and who is speaking? You have the right to claim your life, Copa. But like me, and like SWOT too, you will have to fight your internal mother for it. The little girl that you were when she taught you who you were needs you to save her, Copa. The lion, the scarecrow, and the tin man going in to save Dorothy; the Wizard behind the curtain turning out to be a used car salesman from Kansas; Sleeping Beauty awakening at love's first kiss; the Rose, her four thorns all she has against the world, the unmuzzled sheep hungry. In order for her to parade in the fire attending her own child's destruction, your mother taught you you were not worthy of defense, Copa. No boundaries allowed for you, or for me. Four thorns, Copa. No more than four little thorns, in all that wide, wide world. I think my mom's worldview is based upon finding and creating victims. Like any predator. That is just what they do, predators and abusers; that is just who they are. The difference is that our cowardly abusers could not stop stupidly abusing, could not resist abusing and creating victims of, their own offspring. It boggles the mind. No. As it seems was the case where my mom is concerned too Copa, a daughter who felt who felt she had a right to protect or to cherish herself would be a less amenable, less pliable, less hateful, victim. Two daughters who loved one another would be seen as a threat to the abuser. And so, we lost our sisters, too. Though I still say my sister was given the opportunity of making a different choice and did not. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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