Wish it didn't have to be this way

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by FluffyOne, Mar 17, 2020.

  1. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    I stumbled across this forum today in a search to ease my guilt about what occurred last night at our house.

    A little background info: a little over 11 years ago, we adopted 4 siblings (now 22,19,18 & 17). The older 2 have varying degrees of mental illness due to their past. We also have 2 more non-related adopted children (ages 21 & 9).

    This post is concerning the our 19 year old daughter. When she turned 18, we sent her to Job Corps because she was becoming increasingly violent towards me and her 3 younger siblings - and she was purposefully flunking out of high school (was 18 and had 2 years left to finish). We've spent a lot of time and money on special schools, therapies, therapists, residential treatment, etc. Nothing has helped.

    Due to COVID19, they shut down Job Corps in our state yesterday. Initially, she called my husband and told him she was going to stay with a friend. No problem, because we were not going to let her come home (and she knows it). However, come to find out, JC will only pay to send program participants to their hometown (her friend lives in a different part of the state). We won't pay to send her to her friend's house because she foolishly wastes any money she has (so obviously, she has no money of her own to buy a ticket) and we don't enable her irresponsible behavior. So, the next phone call was that she wanted to come home. My husband and I stated absolutely no way due to fear for the younger 3 kids (my husband and I both work outside the home, and school statewide has been canceled until the end of the month - leaving them alone with her all day). She hung up on my husband when he was trying to ask her about what her options were. Next, we get a phone call from someone at JC telling us that if she didn't come home, they had no choice but to put her in a homeless shelter. I told the JC rep, 'That's fine, because she can't come here.'

    My next call was to my 76 year old mother (lives in our same town) to warn her not to take any calls from my daughter. Mom's health is not good, and daughter would try to manipulate her into allowing her to stay there (about a month until the JC center will re-open).

    I'm not really looking for advice. I just needed to vent because no one else understands what it's like to deal with this for years on end - with no end in sight.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. Many of us have children who have been evicted from our homes. Some are homeless some have found other arrangements, some are even in jail. You are ahead of the curve because you have set and are upholding boundaries which are necessary for both your safety and well being and your daughters. There is a good article on detachment if you go back to the parent emeritus page. Everybody is is in there own steps of detaching from our difficult children. You will get plenty of support and willing ears if you need to vent. Welcome!
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't blame you. Your other kids deserve to live in peace. I hope your daughter knows that if she behaves violently at the shelter they will ban her. She needs to take this seriously.
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm disappointed that Job Corp doesn't have a better plan. They know they're dealing with young adults who may not be able to function well back home.
  5. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    Update: My husband got a phone call yesterday afternoon from our daughter. Evidently, since we refused to let her come home, Job Corps miraculously found a way to send her to her friend's house. I agree with you. They should have had a better plan for the ones that could not return home for whatever reason.

    Our next worry is that she will act out at her friend's house and get kicked out there - now halfway across the state from us, nowhere else to go and not knowing what resources there are there (shelters).
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I’m glad you got some at least, temporary relief!

    That’s about as good as it gets when we are talking about our difficult adult offspring.

    Hope you will continue to post!

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  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Dear Fluffy,
    So glad you and your husband have set boundaries and are sticking to them. Like someone said above, you are "way ahead of the curve." Most of us here have struggled with doing that for a long time. I am sorry though for how painful this must be for you.
  8. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    So glad you found this forum. We don't have all the answers for sure but you will find comfort talking with people who understand your circumstances first hand.

    Sometimes for me, just listening to others and knowing they have "survived" these insane circumstances and can live to speak about them is encouragement enough.

    Keep posting..it helps!
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  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Welcome, Fluffy. I have been in this loving, sometimes frank, and streetwise knowlegeable forum. I have found we all learn and gather strength to get us where we need to be.

    Love and light
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  10. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    For work (due again to COVID19), I am not to travel beyond 125 miles from our home. I did an online map this morning, and she is outside of the 125 mile radius. I hope she behaves herself while at the friend's house because now we can't even go get her to put her in a shelter.
  11. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Fluffy, you came to the right place. I can't even begin to tell you how much the people here understand different situations and how wide open their arms are for accepting you.
    I want to commend you on adopted these children and being their blessing.
    As difficult as this is for you and how much I know your heart is hurting, just know you are doing way better than I am with dealing with your child. You're awesome!
    I am glad you have your husband's support. That is also a blessing.
    You will also have all the support and understanding you could ask for from theses lovely people.
    I pray you daughter does well and you and your family can relax a bit.
    I am not in any position to give advice but know you are being understood and loved here.
    Peace and Love
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  12. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    You are not alone, today they wanted to release my 17 teen old son from Juvenile detention because of the Coronovirus , I could not take him back because of the same reasons like you, I cannot put my younger children in danger or have them live in a chaotic household. His dad will not take him either. Now DCFS will take over & he possibly might go to a group home. I am heartbroken . You are not alone , please keep us updated . I wish I could be of more help but I myself am trying to figure things out& the uncertainty of the situation is killing me.
  13. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    Overwhelmed, I just read through your thread. I don't know how you have endured being treated the way you have been for as long as you have been.
    Thanks for your kind words. I don't feel awesome haha! I have the same doubts about what I could have done better to prevent what has happened that you have had. My mother always said, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.' It's so true, but still the doubts...
    Blessings and strength to you :love_heart:!
  14. FluffyOne

    FluffyOne New Member

    Stay Strong Helpless. We'll get through this stressful time.

    Daughter called my husband yesterday (I will not talk to her on the phone because she is so nasty to me - text only, to keep it civil - I'll block her if she isn't) to tell him that she is having a fabulous time at the friend's house. We'll see how long that lasts. She also lost her wallet containing her JC payment card, bank debit card and driving permit. Hubby had just gone with her to the bank 2 weeks ago to get the bank card replaced since she 'lost' it awhile back. He told her that was the last time he'd do that. I don't think she believes him. I told him he has to stick to it or she'll never learn to be responsible. She will call him to fix all her messes since she doesn't seem to think she should have to.
  15. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Our kids make us doubt ourselves in so many ways. I have doubts about myself as a mother and as a human being, because of our oldest son. I no longer have confidence in myself that I'm a good mother and a good person. I still have moments where I feel like a failure.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So glad that she was able to go to her friends house. This is a good lesson for her. If SHE screws up there, she'll be in a mess with no place to go and it's be on HER.

    Sometimes life lessons are the best for our Difficult Child or even for us.

    Keep us posted and so glad you joined!
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