words cant even explain...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Sep 25, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi had no idea what to title this one, that seemed to fit best.

    as many of you know have been starting the whole iep process for difficult child, meeting with various people, etc.

    it came today the call from the brand new pyschologist on duty in her school. I have great news for you! Last conversation we had was earlier today when he said they'd prepare referral to go to Special Education committee. difficult child's doing great, there's no reason for an iep, or a 504 she's really coming into her own. I said excuse me? well i just went and observed her for 5 min. in class she was writing a story and talked to a friend. I repeated again, excuse me? Well we at this time do not feel that any intervention nor any formal proceeding is needed for her. We believe it to be a "home" problem. It clearly states in the neuropysch testing from columbia the discord between you and your ex husband (ok only reason is because he wouldn't help pay for dr.s past 3 years so i took him to court and made him pay 50%). You can come in whenever you want and we'll try to teach you how to handle your daughter with the varying issues you see at home.

    What i said in response doesnt' even matter at thsi point. Bottom line is they think it's me. me. I said she crashed last tuesday, if you remember she had been awake pretty much averaging 3 - 5 hrs. a night for 5 weeks prior to start of school, it was unlike anything we'd ever seen of her, then last tuesday she finally dropped slept until 2 in the afternoon and has been tired ever since, and anxiety is a bit lower.

    i said the records speak for themselves and if you take the time to look at where difficult child was last year you will see she entered brand new school with broken wrist (she broke at my friends because her anxiety was so bad that day she saw a fly and went flying off the stairs leading to pool) on our moving day by the way.....(i thought she'd be more comfortable there then in the middle of an anxiety ridden move), she entered the school well, socially making contact doing her work, excited rested, overall beautiful..........suddenly by mid november the school contacted me and said difficult child was in need of an immediate intervention she was anxiety ridden not eating depressed withdrawn, etc. etc. (by the way this already happened year prior and documented in her old school yet they ignored that), so the meetings began at least 3 team meetings, blah blah blah certain modifications made with hw because she can't complete it after 2 hours of fighting i'm done. various calls from teacher at the time who could not handle her level of anxiety and withdrawn behaviors anyhow so that's that. i have officially lost school backing on any level.

    because she has had a fairly decent 7 days in the bldg. the letter from dr means nothing to them if she's functioning well there's nothing wrong she's good it's me the parent. so i was told if i wanted to pursue the iep on my own with the Special Education committee i could yet the school is not in agreeance........ so i said what happens when difficult child crashes again which history has shown will occur within a matter of mos.? what provision will be in place for her besides yet another team meeting and modifications and everyone apologizing to me yet again for not listening. his resopnse well we'll be more than happy to make whatever provisions we have to make at such time.

    so the verbal talks i had with school social worker meant nothing she lied flipped the script there is something more going on with the school new person on board that i am not aware of. she said to me jen difficult child i didn't believe it last year yet now i've taken time to get to know her adn i see what it is that you were saying with lack of consistency and yes we believe that difficult child is in need of an iep and should be medicated to help make life easier for her.

    i was ridiculed for not having her in therapy at time neuropsychologist was done (8 mos. ago), the discord between my ex and i, difficult child stated that she feels stress at home (8 mos ago) in one small sentence out of a million stating a million other things and just overall negativity about herself and life. so i'm being watched now. i was told i should come to bldg to discuss them helping me with how to deal with her to improve her attendance (she's late because she cna't sleep at night adn i can't carry her out in a.m. when she fights to go it's all my verbal skills that work that and get her in eventually), also a plan for her to remember her hw because it's lacking..........p.s. she's missed one hw assignment since start of school.

    so needless to say i brought difficult child to her theatre group which we implemented roughly 4 weeks ago sat in truck once she was ok in room (they are also aware of her anxiety and handle her extremely well), and i cried and called my mom, at almost 40 now.

    it's just disheartening because that phone call today to me was a slap in the face, i should of seen it coming with the phone calls from the teacher stating i shouldnt' give her the drug, you should go herbal maybe your not handling her correctly at home, etc. etc.

    so my relationship with the school is different now obviously i will no longer feel comfortable on any level to walk in and discuss difficult child without it being in writing to answer call to nurse unless she leaves tape recorded message on my voicemail on my cell phone, no more input from how her days are going basically. i'm being told in not so many words i'm the nut here. it doesn't matter if i have various documents dating back from 3 and 4 years ago to them she's fine even though documentation states otherwise the pattern that seems to be.

    do i want difficult child to be well? ofcourse. do i want to go to various doctors and pyschdocs and varying diagnosis, no. would i love for this to last within her the new stage she is in which i have seen before yet never know how long it will last, ofcourse. i have two years left in thsi school and the school against me.

    im beginning to think i never should of moved here, never should of done alot of things should of stayed where we were found the money somehow to pay the bills that were piling up due to her doctor bills and me cutting my work hours everytime i'd get phone call from nurse she was doing badly. yet there i was last night i remember it well sitting with difficult child while she laid on bed telling me every sad thought in her mind, how the other kids stare at her, how this and that makes her sad, how she is so frustrated that she can't calm down and sleep, how she's tired of pills and doctors and thinks she's weird why can't you find a pill mom that just works? then trying to put her in bed and walking in her rm to find her trying to walk out her pushing me and raising her hand to me last night and me planting her verbally that she is never to use hands use words to express herself, etc.

    so i don't know where to go from here. i'm thinking pack up kids and our kitten in the truck and just leave is looking good right now to be very honest.
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm so sorry this is your experience. They will probably come around late in the year and then it starts again. I'm sorry your difficult child isn't getting more support, maybe you should post on the sp ed board and they can give you a sense of direction.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    WOW! Do her last neuropsychologist test results indicate a problem in any area (processing, memory, etc)? Were there recommendations with the results that included accommodations at school?
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, sorry things are so rough with the school.

    We just started the IEP process for my younger daughter M. I simply wrote and hand-delivered a letter requesting a "full and initial evaluation in accordance with IDEA." This letter starts the process, which must be followed, or the SD must provide you with written notice about why they won't evaluate.

    As soon as we started the IEP process, I stopped talking to the school about M. I collected our documents (psychiatric/ed testing, psychiatric summary from psychiatrist) and submitted them. I kept a homework log that indicated how long M was spending on each subject and what triggers related to school caused her to meltdown. We hired an educational advocate because we wanted someone who knows sped law better than we do to strategize with us and attend meetings with us. The advocate went into the classroom for 2 hours to observe M and wrote up a report. We submitted this report to the SD as well.

    It sounds as if the school is being a pill about not wanting to help, but you should do yourself and your daughter a favor and educate yourself as much as possible about the process. If you don't feel comfortable, you need to find an advocate to help you (free advocates may be available in your area). As long as you follow the guidelines outlined in IDEA (sped law), the SD can't walk all over you.

    Good luck.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    thanks for your responses. it just stinks alot, overall. it's as if they keep making her illnesses my fault, just like my ex husband does. the pressure is so intense lately it truly is between the medications the doctor prescribed that everyone is up in arms about to the school pulling rug underneath me and now their getting weird with telling me to schedule an appointment to come in and discuss her problems at home and even said when he left the voicemail message i'm leaving this request on your voicemail message. i've got that flee and run attitude in my head. just the fact that 3 times this week that teacher suggested herbal and me dealing with my own flesh and blood better it just makes me sick. so now no more calls from nurse to let me know when she's there, they don't even let her go anymore they call it cognitive behavior therapy, i will get no input about my kids day, not that i'm a control freak but i want to know i really do. i want to know if she's staring off alone in lunchroom not eating yet again, i chk lunchbox everyday if she was anxiety ridden in class. i use alot of that info to give to dr. now i won't have any. it's like i wrote in another post you talk adn talk and no one listens it's like it's falling on deaf ears. i'm all alone in this too. ex and i aren't talking anymore he went crazy on me when he heard medication that was prescribed, i'm the deciding factor with it all. sometimes that's great and sometimes it's just scary. i know i have to lean on me with stuff yet having support helps too. that's what here is for me right now.

    this seemed like the logical next step an iep it truly did. i know i'm not imagining what i see her do. it makes my own head spin at times, a week where anxiety's low out of blue adn she's actually sleeping by midnight, not up all night bouncing, then suddenly up all night and different stuff i see. it's very confusing and overwhelming. i really thought this would be the year i'd pull it together for her.

    is it possible for a kids illnesses to just go away kinda of like asthma? i wish. i always wish whenever she begins to calm, then it always comes back again.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Just my thoughts, for what they're worth !! Are you saying that they told you they are giving her cognitive behavioral therapy at school? I'm not sure of the letter of the law on that, but I think you could put a stop to that, if they are. I would be through the roof on that one, and have told people at school not to try to be a therapist to my son under any circumstances. Offering guidance is one thing, but trying to give him mental health counseling that only should be done by a licensed counselor in appropriate contexts and with my permission is another. They simply do not know enough about the kid, the sensitivities, or psychiatric problems to be qualified to do this, in my humble opinion.

    I'm curious if the sd has to have both your and her father's aprroval to proceed with IEP eligibility determination/process. I'm also, still wondering if her neuropsychologist report recommended accommodations. I'm not sure that it would kill any chance for eligibility, but it sure would help the chances if it did include them. I suggest posting about this in the Special Education forum to see what they think.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    An SD can't provide counseling unless it is part of an IEP under related services (my son's IEP includes counseling services). "Counseling" is allowed in a situation such as when two students get into a fight and the school counselor steps in to mediate.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member


    ok their taking their own approach to controlling the anxiety which is not allowing difficult child to go to the nurse. well guess what i learned today i've noticed her stomach was a bit funny well it's been really funny so we had to go to store and buy stuff. so the entire time they were trying to control the anxiety and redirect it as per ms. herbal pain in my butt she was having serious stomach issues. is them taking their own approach in class allowed to handle the anxiety? also i have sole legal custody of difficult child i can do whatever i want so no they don't need ex nightmare's approval.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    these are the mods i spoke of that i wanted. nurse visits when to allow them. do you know they don't even allow her to leave the lunchroom if she's anxiety ridden their making her stay. the social worker catches her at the door and makes her stay. are they allowed to do that? cause if they want to screw with me now then i'll go back at them and say you do nothing for her, if she wants nurse she goes whenever she wants, you want her hw done then youd' better make sure she packs it. this way i force them into an iep???
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    im so mad.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't think you can force them into an iep that way. I know you're frustrated and you want accommodations for your daughter, but you need to get the sd to go through the appropriate eligibility steps. Once she's on an iep, then you can work on getting those accommodations. There has to be something to back you up on her need for the iep- do you have dr's letters, a diagnosis from a psychiatrist in writing, anything?? If the sd was trying to evaluate her (in a legitimate fashion) you wouldn't need some "proof", but I think you need some back up here. Again, why don't you post on the Special Education forum- they are good at this.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi your right. i have a 25 page report from columbia from the neuropysch testing, i have a letter from current dr. with diagnosis, i have 3 other doctors diagnosis's, i have signed all releases for school to speak to doctors. i dont' mean force them. yes i will post there lol.....
  13. Superpsy

    Superpsy New Member

    I think this might be your district policy. I provide/have provided counseling for students who aren't on IEPs as long as I have parental permission. As far as I know a school district isn't required to provide these services but most definitely can if they wish.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've gotten some great ideas.
    Just wanted to send continued support. How totally aggravating.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so i went back to this post to re read i often do that because it seems like most of us we are always rushing.....been working alot the past two days been very good world's a different place when you are rested lol.

    difficult child's been sleeping yet now poor pumpkin school's getting on her about forgetting bks, hws, etc. so anxiety is high in a.m. once grogginess wears off. she's so cute this morning standing there saying i'm not going to get a lollipop because i forgot to bring home necessary books to complete hw. i said i know baby but i'm taking care of it, we will make up work this weekend.

    She was also worried about asking to go to the nurse if the anxiety hits during day and she needs quick escape. maybe i'm wrong here yet i don't see anything wrong with once a day going to the nurse for 5 or 10 minutes if it allows her time to calm down and then re enter the room. for crying out loud she's pulling off her day without medications at this point. it is just wrong of the school to "handle" my daughter. ok another letter i'm writing them today i'll drop that off with the doctor's letter stating she needs an iep on monday. blast them is all i am doing now and building my case so i don't go up against a brick wall when the meetings begin. this school district also has some nerve, the taxes out here are a fortune that is what "supposedly" funds the schools and the reason why "we" want to live here. average property tax out here is like 13k a year. ok now granted i dont' own, but other people who do own pay it and we help pay their mortgage iwth our rent
  16. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member


    Let me start out by saying I am a single mother too. I know how hard it is to be on your own with no one to fall back on and your child is a difficult child.

    I think the school is saying they thinks she has problems at home for several reasons. It isn't an attack on you at all but I really do think you need to examine your difficult child's home life.

    I'm not sure what type of discord you have with your ex. Does he see her on a regular basis? How is her relationship with him? How long have you been divorced from him?

    It looks like you are living with your boyfriend who also has children with special needs. I had several offers from guys that I dated over the years to live with them. As much as it would have helped me financially, I couldn't do it. My difficult child deserves more commitment than just moving in with a guy. This was just my situtation. I'm not judging you. Just want you to see from another perspective.

    With the problems you have had with bio dad alone can cause anxiety in a child. Divorces is harder on the children than anyone else. Now she lives in the same house with your boyfriend and certain days with his children too. Adding step siblings that don't have issues can turn a difficult child's world upside down on it's own let alone adding step children with their own issues to deal with.

    The nurse at school is probably asking that you schedule a time because she also has other duties that she has to get done. She is still responsible for all the other kids in school as well. I understand you wanting to know what is going on at school and how difficult child is doing. I would suggest a diary for the teachers and staff to write in that goes home every day. If there is a major issue, then schedule a meeting.

    It looks like you guys moved recently too since you said that this is a new school. This alone sends my difficult child off the deep end. We have moved once in 9 years. difficult child could barely handle it even though it was from an apartment to our own home. She requires lots of consistency. It has been 3 years and she loves our home and neighborhood but the change at first threw her for a loop.

    Your posts are usually very hurried "sounding". I know you are under constant stress. I know what it's like to have 50 balls in the air and trying not to drop one.

    You aren't alone with problems in the school district. I've been through the ringer with them. Document everything, try to not be defensive, and if they tell you something they won't put in writing put a tiny tape recorder in your purse. Don't tell them about it and record every visit to the school.

    I'm not trying to offend or hurt you. Just trying to give you another view of the situation to think about. I can see in some cases where the larger part of her anxiety may be coming from home. Home always effects school.

    Have you considered getting a place of your own for you and difficult child? If it were me, I would. With a strict schedule that difficult child can get used to and feel safe with, I think will help her immensely.

    Anyway, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I really am trying to help.

    Steph (((hugs)))