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Worried about difficult child at father in law's funeral
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 457068" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Many hugs. Brings back memories of my own gpa's funeral. We couldn't afford to all travel to go, and gpa had asked me specifically NOT to go, so I said I woudl do the trip if we drove but not the ceremony and gfgbro insisted he HAD to do all of it and that I was an awful person for going along with gpa's wishes. Gfgbro and my mom flew to the funeral - and dad and I stayed home. neighbors would have watched up both and given her dad's support, but gfgbro wasn't goign to let that happen. Then he refused to get ready for the funeral, did all sorts of stuff that the relatives were still upset about years later. </p><p></p><p>I would take a gameboy or something similar and put him in a cry room with that. Figure out what would be a treat and keep him occupied, even if you have to plug in a laptop in another room and let him play an online game. I dont' think that being there is really going to make that much of a difference in how he processes his grief over father in law, at least not as far as taking part in the ceremony, and it may very well upset you, husband and easy child. So let him pay his respects, if he wishes to, at a separate time from the rest (ask the funeral home for a separate time for difficult child to see him, most will be happy to help if at all possible) and then during the ceremony either let him stay at the hotel room or in a private room with something to amuse himself.</p><p></p><p>At difficult child's stage of development, the funeral may or may not be a good thing for him - only you can know. But I do know that easy child has told you what SHE needs, you have seen how your husband needs some separation from difficult child to handle this. Given that you are not sure difficult child CAN control himself, give him a chance to do something separate and not court the criticism from his behavior. Or flat out tell him that he has to get himself under control and stop the whatever and make it stay stopped. I know you don't often just flat out yell or whatever and tell him that he just has to change wether he wants to or not, but it will NOT hurt him to be told that his needs are LAST in line of importance and this time he has to put husband and respect for his gpa and the family before whatever is jumping out of his mouth or impulsiveness.</p><p></p><p>Don't be hard on yourself or easy child for being very blunt about this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 457068, member: 1233"] Many hugs. Brings back memories of my own gpa's funeral. We couldn't afford to all travel to go, and gpa had asked me specifically NOT to go, so I said I woudl do the trip if we drove but not the ceremony and gfgbro insisted he HAD to do all of it and that I was an awful person for going along with gpa's wishes. Gfgbro and my mom flew to the funeral - and dad and I stayed home. neighbors would have watched up both and given her dad's support, but gfgbro wasn't goign to let that happen. Then he refused to get ready for the funeral, did all sorts of stuff that the relatives were still upset about years later. I would take a gameboy or something similar and put him in a cry room with that. Figure out what would be a treat and keep him occupied, even if you have to plug in a laptop in another room and let him play an online game. I dont' think that being there is really going to make that much of a difference in how he processes his grief over father in law, at least not as far as taking part in the ceremony, and it may very well upset you, husband and easy child. So let him pay his respects, if he wishes to, at a separate time from the rest (ask the funeral home for a separate time for difficult child to see him, most will be happy to help if at all possible) and then during the ceremony either let him stay at the hotel room or in a private room with something to amuse himself. At difficult child's stage of development, the funeral may or may not be a good thing for him - only you can know. But I do know that easy child has told you what SHE needs, you have seen how your husband needs some separation from difficult child to handle this. Given that you are not sure difficult child CAN control himself, give him a chance to do something separate and not court the criticism from his behavior. Or flat out tell him that he has to get himself under control and stop the whatever and make it stay stopped. I know you don't often just flat out yell or whatever and tell him that he just has to change wether he wants to or not, but it will NOT hurt him to be told that his needs are LAST in line of importance and this time he has to put husband and respect for his gpa and the family before whatever is jumping out of his mouth or impulsiveness. Don't be hard on yourself or easy child for being very blunt about this. [/QUOTE]
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