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worst day ever for difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 370682" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>difficult child did do the wrong thing, but the other boy was a trigger. That trigger should have been stopped earlier. I do feel the punishments should be equal, because although superficially, difficult child seemed to be the instigator, in fact the other boy was the real instigator because he'd been needling difficult child for some time, over previous weeks.</p><p></p><p>There need to be some consequences, but difficult child being thrown off the team and the other being merely being out of the game for a few weeks, doesn't seem equitable, unless they're taking difficult child's record into account.</p><p></p><p>The coach, and husband, should have stopped the bullying. If you can, please share this with them because I DO understand their quandary, I do feel their frustration with this as well as yours. I have made the same mistakes they have made, in being harder on my kid than on the other kids involved.</p><p></p><p>I will give you an example, bearing in mind (please) that my difficult child 3 has been very much like your difficult child not only in the kind if games he enjoyed, but also in the long-term, subtle, needling type of bullying that was constant for years and we not only didn't fully realise, but we didn't insist sufficiently on the school (or whatever other group) stepping in sufficiently.</p><p></p><p>We were at the local beach. It's only a few minutes from home. In summer we get visitors to the town. For a week, we had been going to the beach every day (summer holidays) and difficult child 3 had been getting increasingly aggressive with certain boys. My rule was, "there is no excuse for physical violence towards another person". Other people would hassle difficult child 3 but I couldn't control their actions. I could only control difficult child 3's responses. But my efforts were not working, and each day I would tell difficult child 3 that we were going home, because he could not behave.</p><p></p><p>Now a beach is a noisy place, especially this one. it's a very small beach but the sea is very noisy. On the Saturday husband was at the beach with us. He observed difficult child 3 looking angry at these boys and told difficult child 3 to stay away from them. He tried to do this but the boys seemed to keep spilling their play over in difficult child 3's direction, so I decided to take him home. I called him over, said it was time to go, he turned back to rinse off the sand before following us back up the path.</p><p></p><p>Then something happened and difficult child 3 snapped. He ran at the group of boys, one of them fell over backwards trying to get away from difficult child 3, who began to pummel the boy hard. husband ran over fast, grabbed difficult child 3 by his board shorts and haled him out. I was expecting difficult child 3 to really cop a tongue-lashing form husband for fighting. But to my surprise, husband turned on the boys.</p><p>"You deserved that!" he said (my pacifist husband!). "You've been hassling him all day that I have seen, probably all week form what I have heard. Well now you know he is capable of being pushed too far. Now go get yourselves home and be grateful I'm not calling your parents!"</p><p></p><p>On the way home I thought about it. I had been prepared to punish difficult child 3 for fighting, for hitting back (because he'd been getting verbally hassled, not physically) and there was husband, stricter than me, actually taking difficult child 3's side in this. I realised I had been looking at the problems of difficult child 3 being bullied, through the wrong end of the binoculars. ANd looking at it all that way, a parent tends to be far too harsh with their own child at a time when the child needs a champion, not a critic.</p><p></p><p>I suspect you need the same change in perspective hen it comes to difficult child's baseball. Your husband especially. But he is like I was - trying to keep the pece, trying to do his job with the team despite having a problem soon, trying to be seen to be fair. ANd trying so hard to be seen to be fair, that he ends up punishing his own son far too harshly.</p><p></p><p>There was me trying to be super-reasonable, and my kid was being bullied and taken advantage of, because I was being TOO reasonable. My kid needed me to step in and clean up the problems.</p><p></p><p>In your son's case, is there another baseball team e can join? Someone who is prepared to squash any bullying FAST and also to shadow him? Because a kid like your difficult child (and mine) needs success in order to learn how to be successful. Eery failure teaches him how to do badly. The bullies at this team have learned how to get past the coach's vigilance. Unless that is fixed, the problems will continue.</p><p></p><p>What your husband and the coach need to realise, is that a person with a disability, who is taunted or hassled because of that disability, or whose disability actually makes them vulnerable to such teasing which can aggravate the presentation of that disability - that person with the disability is being actively handicapped by that bullying. Those culpable are not only the bullies, but those who allow the bullying and discrimination to continue.</p><p></p><p>Think about this from the point of view of the bullies (and possibly the coach). You have kids who are very competitive and want the team to win. So any member who is less than perfect in any way, gets hassled and blamed until they are so demoralised they drop out. Or until they attack and get kicked out. The bullies win.</p><p></p><p>That is really not good. But again, is it fair to put difficult child back into that environment, if the problems are not fixed?</p><p></p><p>Your husband needs to see, as I needed to see, that this is unfair for a kid with a disability. He has a right to play baseball too. yes, he also has to learn how to get on with other people. But being exposed to his sort of bullying is only teaching difficult child how to be a bully, and how to get into trouble. It i NOT something he should have to put up with, thinking that is very wrong. Yes, difficult child has to learn how to take it. But he has to learn under controlled conditions, not the anarchy of "let them fight it out amongst themselves".</p><p></p><p>I would be either trying to find another team, or maybe asking around among kids with disabilities in your area, and form your own team.</p><p></p><p>I'd like to say more but I have a busy morning, I need to leave this here and I will check back later.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 370682, member: 1991"] difficult child did do the wrong thing, but the other boy was a trigger. That trigger should have been stopped earlier. I do feel the punishments should be equal, because although superficially, difficult child seemed to be the instigator, in fact the other boy was the real instigator because he'd been needling difficult child for some time, over previous weeks. There need to be some consequences, but difficult child being thrown off the team and the other being merely being out of the game for a few weeks, doesn't seem equitable, unless they're taking difficult child's record into account. The coach, and husband, should have stopped the bullying. If you can, please share this with them because I DO understand their quandary, I do feel their frustration with this as well as yours. I have made the same mistakes they have made, in being harder on my kid than on the other kids involved. I will give you an example, bearing in mind (please) that my difficult child 3 has been very much like your difficult child not only in the kind if games he enjoyed, but also in the long-term, subtle, needling type of bullying that was constant for years and we not only didn't fully realise, but we didn't insist sufficiently on the school (or whatever other group) stepping in sufficiently. We were at the local beach. It's only a few minutes from home. In summer we get visitors to the town. For a week, we had been going to the beach every day (summer holidays) and difficult child 3 had been getting increasingly aggressive with certain boys. My rule was, "there is no excuse for physical violence towards another person". Other people would hassle difficult child 3 but I couldn't control their actions. I could only control difficult child 3's responses. But my efforts were not working, and each day I would tell difficult child 3 that we were going home, because he could not behave. Now a beach is a noisy place, especially this one. it's a very small beach but the sea is very noisy. On the Saturday husband was at the beach with us. He observed difficult child 3 looking angry at these boys and told difficult child 3 to stay away from them. He tried to do this but the boys seemed to keep spilling their play over in difficult child 3's direction, so I decided to take him home. I called him over, said it was time to go, he turned back to rinse off the sand before following us back up the path. Then something happened and difficult child 3 snapped. He ran at the group of boys, one of them fell over backwards trying to get away from difficult child 3, who began to pummel the boy hard. husband ran over fast, grabbed difficult child 3 by his board shorts and haled him out. I was expecting difficult child 3 to really cop a tongue-lashing form husband for fighting. But to my surprise, husband turned on the boys. "You deserved that!" he said (my pacifist husband!). "You've been hassling him all day that I have seen, probably all week form what I have heard. Well now you know he is capable of being pushed too far. Now go get yourselves home and be grateful I'm not calling your parents!" On the way home I thought about it. I had been prepared to punish difficult child 3 for fighting, for hitting back (because he'd been getting verbally hassled, not physically) and there was husband, stricter than me, actually taking difficult child 3's side in this. I realised I had been looking at the problems of difficult child 3 being bullied, through the wrong end of the binoculars. ANd looking at it all that way, a parent tends to be far too harsh with their own child at a time when the child needs a champion, not a critic. I suspect you need the same change in perspective hen it comes to difficult child's baseball. Your husband especially. But he is like I was - trying to keep the pece, trying to do his job with the team despite having a problem soon, trying to be seen to be fair. ANd trying so hard to be seen to be fair, that he ends up punishing his own son far too harshly. There was me trying to be super-reasonable, and my kid was being bullied and taken advantage of, because I was being TOO reasonable. My kid needed me to step in and clean up the problems. In your son's case, is there another baseball team e can join? Someone who is prepared to squash any bullying FAST and also to shadow him? Because a kid like your difficult child (and mine) needs success in order to learn how to be successful. Eery failure teaches him how to do badly. The bullies at this team have learned how to get past the coach's vigilance. Unless that is fixed, the problems will continue. What your husband and the coach need to realise, is that a person with a disability, who is taunted or hassled because of that disability, or whose disability actually makes them vulnerable to such teasing which can aggravate the presentation of that disability - that person with the disability is being actively handicapped by that bullying. Those culpable are not only the bullies, but those who allow the bullying and discrimination to continue. Think about this from the point of view of the bullies (and possibly the coach). You have kids who are very competitive and want the team to win. So any member who is less than perfect in any way, gets hassled and blamed until they are so demoralised they drop out. Or until they attack and get kicked out. The bullies win. That is really not good. But again, is it fair to put difficult child back into that environment, if the problems are not fixed? Your husband needs to see, as I needed to see, that this is unfair for a kid with a disability. He has a right to play baseball too. yes, he also has to learn how to get on with other people. But being exposed to his sort of bullying is only teaching difficult child how to be a bully, and how to get into trouble. It i NOT something he should have to put up with, thinking that is very wrong. Yes, difficult child has to learn how to take it. But he has to learn under controlled conditions, not the anarchy of "let them fight it out amongst themselves". I would be either trying to find another team, or maybe asking around among kids with disabilities in your area, and form your own team. I'd like to say more but I have a busy morning, I need to leave this here and I will check back later. Marg [/QUOTE]
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