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Parent Emeritus
would love some advice ...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 674647" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>in my opinion this is your answer. No, you don't have to accept her. He is lucky as hello that you are letting h im come back home after being in jail for assault. I probably would not and many here have forced our grown children to stand on their own. If I had a grown child in jail and he was not supposed to see this girl per court orders, but he was going to do so anyways, I would not help him break the law. No way. He does not sound as if he "gets it."</p><p></p><p>I think it would be foolish to risk your own health and well being by letting this girlfriend come into your home too. You have to take care of your own self. You have three other kids, plus YOU are important and need to be good to yourself. Your son is 23. He is old enough to figure out how to live well or, if you like, learn to live in your house and follow your rules (your home/your rules/no disrespect/no drugs/no money from you). If he wants to stay in the dysfunctional relationship, let him do it somewhere else. But understand that your son is as much to blame as her. He picked her for a reason. He is staying for a reason. And he assaulted her. And he will disrespect the court and law by seeing her and could end up back in jail for breaking parole. And YOU would be showing him you are ok with breaking the law too if you see her when the court ordered you not to see her. That sends a bad message to ALL your children.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes it is very hard to see our grown children as men and women who should behave like one. Often, we keep seeing the sweet little boy or girl and go into denial about who our child now is. Are drugs involved?</p><p></p><p>My own opinion is, the girl is your son's problem, not yours and you don't need to reach out to her. Can tell you, I sure wouldn't!!! this relationship is not yours to chose to approve or not approve of. It is up to your son to give it another chance or break it off. H e is too old to control. He will do what he will do. And you have to make YOURSELF happy, not him. He's not little anymore. Although it can be hard, sometimes we have to detach with love, and it will make our difficult grown adult children angry, but to me it is better to make them grow up than to keep mothering them and letting them abuse and control us. Not good for them or us. And, yes, as I said before, WE MATTER TOO.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 674647, member: 1550"] in my opinion this is your answer. No, you don't have to accept her. He is lucky as hello that you are letting h im come back home after being in jail for assault. I probably would not and many here have forced our grown children to stand on their own. If I had a grown child in jail and he was not supposed to see this girl per court orders, but he was going to do so anyways, I would not help him break the law. No way. He does not sound as if he "gets it." I think it would be foolish to risk your own health and well being by letting this girlfriend come into your home too. You have to take care of your own self. You have three other kids, plus YOU are important and need to be good to yourself. Your son is 23. He is old enough to figure out how to live well or, if you like, learn to live in your house and follow your rules (your home/your rules/no disrespect/no drugs/no money from you). If he wants to stay in the dysfunctional relationship, let him do it somewhere else. But understand that your son is as much to blame as her. He picked her for a reason. He is staying for a reason. And he assaulted her. And he will disrespect the court and law by seeing her and could end up back in jail for breaking parole. And YOU would be showing him you are ok with breaking the law too if you see her when the court ordered you not to see her. That sends a bad message to ALL your children. Sometimes it is very hard to see our grown children as men and women who should behave like one. Often, we keep seeing the sweet little boy or girl and go into denial about who our child now is. Are drugs involved? My own opinion is, the girl is your son's problem, not yours and you don't need to reach out to her. Can tell you, I sure wouldn't!!! this relationship is not yours to chose to approve or not approve of. It is up to your son to give it another chance or break it off. H e is too old to control. He will do what he will do. And you have to make YOURSELF happy, not him. He's not little anymore. Although it can be hard, sometimes we have to detach with love, and it will make our difficult grown adult children angry, but to me it is better to make them grow up than to keep mothering them and letting them abuse and control us. Not good for them or us. And, yes, as I said before, WE MATTER TOO. Hugs for your hurting heart! [/QUOTE]
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