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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674676" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Jude, So sorry for your troubles, your post struck a heart note with me, because my daughter is involved in this kind of chaotic relationship with the same man now for 12 years. Geez, when I just wrote that my head said has it been that long? Yup <em>and 3 grandchildren. </em>Ouch, just ouch.</p><p>It is a very drama infused crazy whirlwind toxic cocktail that they call love. It doesn't look anything like love most of the time. That is why I call her Tornado and him Volcano, after the Eminem song. We have tried so many times to help, been sucked into the crazy, especially because of the grands.</p><p></p><p> That is good, your younger boys do not need to be subjected to this.</p><p></p><p> So, I agree with this</p><p></p><p>It is not up to you, the law is the law, case closed.</p><p></p><p> Amen to that.</p><p></p><p> It is very selfish of him. These kids......who do they think they are? Who do they think we are?</p><p></p><p> I do not think you sound bitter Jude, you sound REAL. You sound like a very kind and loving Mom. It is hard when we have to make decisions between heart and head, especially when we are used to responding one way. NO is okay. Boundaries are good. Once we start establishing boundaries, our d cs sure as heck don't like it and it can feel weird to us, it is a different pattern we are setting.</p><p>Take little steps at a time.</p><p></p><p> This is up to you. We are taught to forgive, but, when people mistreat us or take advantage of our kindness it is perfectly okay to draw the line.</p><p><img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a9/03/81/a9038184979e575c899e3748221ab541.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p> This is completely up to you, Jude. You have to consider how YOU feel. After all this talk of forgiveness, it is still within our right to use good judgement. Not that we<em> judge people</em>, that is for a higher power, but we do have the right to use good judgement. Actions speak louder than words, folks usually show us who they are.</p><p> I agree completely.One of the things I learned through all of this with my two, is that my now 14 year old went through heck, while we were trying to "help"his sisters and our grands. Our house became a sort of war zone, with a revolving door. So not fair to him. So, I decided that I would not put up with it anymore. It has been just about 3 1/2 months now. The house has a peacefulness about it and my son is so much more relaxed. I realized that he as the minor child, deserves our focus.</p><p> I agree. As I have seen with my grands parents, this pattern of craziness has just continued, it seems like they crave the drama and chaos. Then they are apart for awhile and start missing on each other, then together again. I do not need this in my home, sheesh, I don't even watch violent, dramatic stuff on t. v. </p><p> Yes this is so true, WE MATTER TOO. I think we forget this after all of the years of mothering. Especially if our children start acting out at a young age-mine middle school-so around 13. It becomes kind of a habit of rescuing, past their teen years and into adulthood. They <em>expect us </em>to continue to rescue, drop everything and run, provide. I do not think my two even appreciate all of the help we have given them. They have an attitude of "well you are supposed to". I do not think we are supposed to. What are they going to do when we are not around? They have to learn to fend for themselves and make better decisions.</p><p></p><p> Good for you Jude, stick to this. I wish Volcanos parents had the same attitude. They keep taking them in and trying to help, so they have been bouncing back and forth. </p><p>My girl is just as much to blame for all of the craziness.</p><p></p><p> Yes, they most certainly are. This takes a lot of work to stop feeling guilty. It is their biggest manipulator, the guilt button.</p><p> It helps to post here, go to counseling, or a group like Al-Anon. </p><p>It helps to hear of others experiences and stories, to keep my head on straight! </p><p></p><p> I think this is solid advice. They tug at our heartstrings and draw us in. </p><p> This is very true. After watching the toxic relationship of my grands parents....one gets better, stops using, then the other gets worse, it is a constant see-saw.</p><p></p><p> I am glad that your husband has put his foot down. I wish I had seen this years ago, and closed the revolving door. It gets complicated with babies and TRO's, CPS-what a mess. All I can think of now, is my poor 14 year old virtually grew up witnessing all of this. I am very blessed that he is a sweet kid. I think about what <em>he</em> might get into, being in high school, if we continued to allow this in our home. With our two d cs coming and going, he was home less and less. Now he is at home, relaxing in his room, singing and feeling good about being home. It is a relief to me......</p><p></p><p> There is a good article in this forum on loving detachment. I read it often to help me gauge what boundaries I set with my two. I feel the same, I would not have friends that act like my two. It took a lot of thinking on my part about this. </p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your heart ache Jude, we are going down some tough roads, we warrior moms and dads. It helps to keep posting and get my feelings out. Thanks for letting me share.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674676, member: 19522"] Hi Jude, So sorry for your troubles, your post struck a heart note with me, because my daughter is involved in this kind of chaotic relationship with the same man now for 12 years. Geez, when I just wrote that my head said has it been that long? Yup [I]and 3 grandchildren. [/I]Ouch, just ouch. It is a very drama infused crazy whirlwind toxic cocktail that they call love. It doesn't look anything like love most of the time. That is why I call her Tornado and him Volcano, after the Eminem song. We have tried so many times to help, been sucked into the crazy, especially because of the grands. That is good, your younger boys do not need to be subjected to this. So, I agree with this It is not up to you, the law is the law, case closed. Amen to that. It is very selfish of him. These kids......who do they think they are? Who do they think we are? I do not think you sound bitter Jude, you sound REAL. You sound like a very kind and loving Mom. It is hard when we have to make decisions between heart and head, especially when we are used to responding one way. NO is okay. Boundaries are good. Once we start establishing boundaries, our d cs sure as heck don't like it and it can feel weird to us, it is a different pattern we are setting. Take little steps at a time. This is up to you. We are taught to forgive, but, when people mistreat us or take advantage of our kindness it is perfectly okay to draw the line. [IMG]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a9/03/81/a9038184979e575c899e3748221ab541.jpg[/IMG] This is completely up to you, Jude. You have to consider how YOU feel. After all this talk of forgiveness, it is still within our right to use good judgement. Not that we[I] judge people[/I], that is for a higher power, but we do have the right to use good judgement. Actions speak louder than words, folks usually show us who they are. I agree completely.One of the things I learned through all of this with my two, is that my now 14 year old went through heck, while we were trying to "help"his sisters and our grands. Our house became a sort of war zone, with a revolving door. So not fair to him. So, I decided that I would not put up with it anymore. It has been just about 3 1/2 months now. The house has a peacefulness about it and my son is so much more relaxed. I realized that he as the minor child, deserves our focus. I agree. As I have seen with my grands parents, this pattern of craziness has just continued, it seems like they crave the drama and chaos. Then they are apart for awhile and start missing on each other, then together again. I do not need this in my home, sheesh, I don't even watch violent, dramatic stuff on t. v. Yes this is so true, WE MATTER TOO. I think we forget this after all of the years of mothering. Especially if our children start acting out at a young age-mine middle school-so around 13. It becomes kind of a habit of rescuing, past their teen years and into adulthood. They [I]expect us [/I]to continue to rescue, drop everything and run, provide. I do not think my two even appreciate all of the help we have given them. They have an attitude of "well you are supposed to". I do not think we are supposed to. What are they going to do when we are not around? They have to learn to fend for themselves and make better decisions. Good for you Jude, stick to this. I wish Volcanos parents had the same attitude. They keep taking them in and trying to help, so they have been bouncing back and forth. My girl is just as much to blame for all of the craziness. Yes, they most certainly are. This takes a lot of work to stop feeling guilty. It is their biggest manipulator, the guilt button. It helps to post here, go to counseling, or a group like Al-Anon. It helps to hear of others experiences and stories, to keep my head on straight! I think this is solid advice. They tug at our heartstrings and draw us in. This is very true. After watching the toxic relationship of my grands parents....one gets better, stops using, then the other gets worse, it is a constant see-saw. I am glad that your husband has put his foot down. I wish I had seen this years ago, and closed the revolving door. It gets complicated with babies and TRO's, CPS-what a mess. All I can think of now, is my poor 14 year old virtually grew up witnessing all of this. I am very blessed that he is a sweet kid. I think about what [I]he[/I] might[I] [/I]get into, being in high school, if we continued to allow this in our home. With our two d cs coming and going, he was home less and less. Now he is at home, relaxing in his room, singing and feeling good about being home. It is a relief to me...... There is a good article in this forum on loving detachment. I read it often to help me gauge what boundaries I set with my two. I feel the same, I would not have friends that act like my two. It took a lot of thinking on my part about this. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your heart ache Jude, we are going down some tough roads, we warrior moms and dads. It helps to keep posting and get my feelings out. Thanks for letting me share. You are not alone. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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