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would love some advice ...
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674707" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This is tough. My daughter has filed TRO's on her boyfriend. They stay away for awhile, then right back together. The last one, I helped her this past summer. We had had our eldest grand with us for over a year, he was going to a charter school nearby, and showing great signs of improvement. When his mom showed up with brother and sister, he just gave me this look of dread. She did well for awhile, then slid right back to partying. Volcano started to show up, supposedly to see the kids, but the TRO included them, too. I was adamant that they honor the TRO, to no avail. He would sneak over at all hours. Total chaos. No more. We had our grands for a bit, but the State put them right back with their mom. It is heartbreaking. I finally realized that we were jeopardizing the peace in our home, I had no control over T and V's actions, and daughter reminded me "I am an adult, these are MY kids, YOU have no rights to them." WHAM!</p><p></p><p>Jude, you mention your son threatens suicide, one thing I have learned here on CD, is that these threats are taken very seriously and <em>your son needs to know this</em>. The suggestion has always been to call 911, or in his case, I guess it would be jail authorities. Some have said, in their state, threatening suicide is illegal.</p><p></p><p> You are right in this Jude, it has been very hard on my youngest. Not just in not having friends over, but the overwhelming amount of time it has taken to just <em>survive</em> this drama. I ended up going to counseling, and having him go, too, to get his feelings out. He is a good kid, and I feel badly that my concentration hasn't been where it should be. Not that we didn't pay attention to him, but Lordy, there could have been much more quality to his life, you know? I realized after he broke down crying the morning that my d c dramatically and crazily exited our home, that I could not keep doing the revolving door thing. It was hurting all of us. It created chaos in our home. We didn't want to be home.</p><p></p><p> I understand this, totally. I miss my grands, but honestly, they are chaotic, too. It is not their fault, being raised as such. Having them all here, crowded in our small house, the constant turmoil-just crazy. I have to keep repeating to myself-nevermore. I will be ready if my d c ever calls again to try to come back home to say "You cannot live here, it does not work, you need to go to a shelter." This is very hard because of my grands, but I realize now, that my daughter will not change in my home, and that my grands have a much better chance at "normalcy" if they are getting outside help. Their parents do not want to go that route, because of the rules they would have to follow.</p><p>Yes, you can choose to ignore the calls. If your son is disrespectful to you, you do not have to put up with it. I guess you can start to set healthy boundaries for yourself, even in this. Good for you, Jude.</p><p></p><p> This is correct, Jude. I think after helping our D cs from a young age trying to overcome their problems and drug use, we kind of slide into enabling them as adults. It is our nature to nurture. Especially if they have social, or mental disorders, it makes it seem that we are<em> obligated </em>to continue to help. What many parents have found here on CD, is that our d cs do not thrive or change at home. They get stuck in the pattern of <em>expecting our help</em>, and continuing down their path. </p><p>They are adults and need to learn how to take care of themselves. We will not be around forever to rescue them. They also need to learn how to live with the consequences of their choices.</p><p></p><p>I would set rules, my daughter would break them, saying "I am an adult, I can do what I like."</p><p>Geez, okay, so, how many times did I have to hear that and go through the same old, same old, before it finally knocked me upside the head?</p><p></p><p>So, my house is way more peaceful, and I am here, posting and learning from my mistakes (I hope...) I do not know what my hubs response will be, I am hoping he will be strong and understand that we need to keep them out. There is help for them out there. My eldest has chosen to remain homeless, shows up every once in a while. I am getting stronger each time, and not letting it send me down the pit of despair for too long. Each time, I recoup faster and faster. Looking back, I realize how much of our lives have been spent trying to "fix" them, when they don't want to fix themselves, you know?</p><p>That is a kind of revelation for me, an "ah ha"moment. They are adults, they will do what they want, until they figure out it may not be working for them. If I am concentrating more on their "problems", than living my own life, <em>then I have a problem. </em></p><p>We matter, too, Jude. I think it takes awhile to understand that, then be able to own it. </p><p>We matter, too.</p><p>It is not selfish to begin to take care of ourselves, and value our own lives.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing.</p><p></p><p>It is Friday, we have a potluck at work. I made brownies. Yum.</p><p>I have to guard myself during the holidays, too many goodies!</p><p></p><p>Do take care, and keep posting, it really, really helps.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674707, member: 19522"] This is tough. My daughter has filed TRO's on her boyfriend. They stay away for awhile, then right back together. The last one, I helped her this past summer. We had had our eldest grand with us for over a year, he was going to a charter school nearby, and showing great signs of improvement. When his mom showed up with brother and sister, he just gave me this look of dread. She did well for awhile, then slid right back to partying. Volcano started to show up, supposedly to see the kids, but the TRO included them, too. I was adamant that they honor the TRO, to no avail. He would sneak over at all hours. Total chaos. No more. We had our grands for a bit, but the State put them right back with their mom. It is heartbreaking. I finally realized that we were jeopardizing the peace in our home, I had no control over T and V's actions, and daughter reminded me "I am an adult, these are MY kids, YOU have no rights to them." WHAM! Jude, you mention your son threatens suicide, one thing I have learned here on CD, is that these threats are taken very seriously and [I]your son needs to know this[/I]. The suggestion has always been to call 911, or in his case, I guess it would be jail authorities. Some have said, in their state, threatening suicide is illegal. You are right in this Jude, it has been very hard on my youngest. Not just in not having friends over, but the overwhelming amount of time it has taken to just [I]survive[/I] this drama. I ended up going to counseling, and having him go, too, to get his feelings out. He is a good kid, and I feel badly that my concentration hasn't been where it should be. Not that we didn't pay attention to him, but Lordy, there could have been much more quality to his life, you know? I realized after he broke down crying the morning that my d c dramatically and crazily exited our home, that I could not keep doing the revolving door thing. It was hurting all of us. It created chaos in our home. We didn't want to be home. I understand this, totally. I miss my grands, but honestly, they are chaotic, too. It is not their fault, being raised as such. Having them all here, crowded in our small house, the constant turmoil-just crazy. I have to keep repeating to myself-nevermore. I will be ready if my d c ever calls again to try to come back home to say "You cannot live here, it does not work, you need to go to a shelter." This is very hard because of my grands, but I realize now, that my daughter will not change in my home, and that my grands have a much better chance at "normalcy" if they are getting outside help. Their parents do not want to go that route, because of the rules they would have to follow. Yes, you can choose to ignore the calls. If your son is disrespectful to you, you do not have to put up with it. I guess you can start to set healthy boundaries for yourself, even in this. Good for you, Jude. This is correct, Jude. I think after helping our D cs from a young age trying to overcome their problems and drug use, we kind of slide into enabling them as adults. It is our nature to nurture. Especially if they have social, or mental disorders, it makes it seem that we are[I] obligated [/I]to continue to help. What many parents have found here on CD, is that our d cs do not thrive or change at home. They get stuck in the pattern of [I]expecting our help[/I], and continuing down their path. They are adults and need to learn how to take care of themselves. We will not be around forever to rescue them. They also need to learn how to live with the consequences of their choices. I would set rules, my daughter would break them, saying "I am an adult, I can do what I like." Geez, okay, so, how many times did I have to hear that and go through the same old, same old, before it finally knocked me upside the head? So, my house is way more peaceful, and I am here, posting and learning from my mistakes (I hope...) I do not know what my hubs response will be, I am hoping he will be strong and understand that we need to keep them out. There is help for them out there. My eldest has chosen to remain homeless, shows up every once in a while. I am getting stronger each time, and not letting it send me down the pit of despair for too long. Each time, I recoup faster and faster. Looking back, I realize how much of our lives have been spent trying to "fix" them, when they don't want to fix themselves, you know? That is a kind of revelation for me, an "ah ha"moment. They are adults, they will do what they want, until they figure out it may not be working for them. If I am concentrating more on their "problems", than living my own life, [I]then I have a problem. [/I] We matter, too, Jude. I think it takes awhile to understand that, then be able to own it. We matter, too. It is not selfish to begin to take care of ourselves, and value our own lives. Thank you for sharing. It is Friday, we have a potluck at work. I made brownies. Yum. I have to guard myself during the holidays, too many goodies! Do take care, and keep posting, it really, really helps. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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