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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 162489" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>Actually, I rather like that the sperm donor didn't bother talking to you. It says he trusts you and thinks Tink is full of it. As he said, she'll be fine and she was.</p><p> </p><p>And I so understand the relying on each other for happiness. It was like that between my daughter and me. It took a long time to learn that I didn't have to entertain her, that I could ignore her and she wouldn't die, that I had a right to say no. Yes, she escalated as I learned that lesson. </p><p> </p><p>She started doing real damage to the house. Her rages lasted longer. I decided I could repair the house but I couldn't help her become an independent adult by giving in to her. I could stop the rage but that wouldn't help her learn how to control herself. So long as I looked at things that by me not doing X, it would help her become the adult I hoped she would become, I found it easier to not give in, to not engage, to not try to be everything to her.</p><p> </p><p>While she is at her dad's, take Saturday and just relax. On Sunday, start writing out what you want changed and what you plan to do to start those changes. Then make a list of what you expect Tink to do to help her cope with these changes. When she comes home, sit her down and tell her this is the way it will be. Let her know nothing is up for discussion or debate. When she tries to argue, walk away, say nothing. When she escalates, just keep saying nothing or simply repeat "this is not up for discussion" in a very flat monotone. Do not engage.</p><p> </p><p>Once she has gotten over the initial shock, you can ask her what you think she can do to help make things better and write those down. Put the list of ideas where she can see them. Make up cute business cards with her ideas and simply hand her one when she forgets what she can do. </p><p> </p><p>When she does the following you around, screaming, demanding, pretend she is a pain in the neck puppy that you need to walk around even while it is nipping at your heels. You don't want to say anything to agitate the puppy, you just want to get away from it. If you can't safely get to your room, simply sit in a chair, put in some earplugs or cotton balls (let her see you putting them in) and say nothing until she has quit her haranguing and pestering.</p><p> </p><p>When you give her a choice and neither is good enough, then do nothing. Sit in that chair, plug in to some music (and ear plugs) and let her have her tantrum. You can help her clean up the mess when she's calm. Whatever you do, don't later give her the choices again -- she opted for nothing, so nothing is what she gets from you until the next day.</p><p> </p><p>As I said, I've been in your shoes and they. ain't. no. fun! It took about two years for me to learn how to not engage (and even today I blow it sometimes) but it really did make a huge difference and not just in our relationship, but her relationship with others. She learned that getting her way wasn't always worth the price. She wasn't quite as bossy. She learned that sometimes being nice was the way to go. </p><p> </p><p>She was and is still extremely manipulative. She still doesn't really "get" it when I tell her no but she accepts it more often than not. She can still argue a point into the ground but if I simply repeat my initial statement, she does get the message that the conversation is over on this end (she's free to argue until the cows come home but this mom ain't gonna ring the bell). I honestly believe if I hadn't learned to disengage, she would still be the same as she was at age 9 and that was not a likeable person by anyone's standards.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 162489, member: 3626"] Actually, I rather like that the sperm donor didn't bother talking to you. It says he trusts you and thinks Tink is full of it. As he said, she'll be fine and she was. And I so understand the relying on each other for happiness. It was like that between my daughter and me. It took a long time to learn that I didn't have to entertain her, that I could ignore her and she wouldn't die, that I had a right to say no. Yes, she escalated as I learned that lesson. She started doing real damage to the house. Her rages lasted longer. I decided I could repair the house but I couldn't help her become an independent adult by giving in to her. I could stop the rage but that wouldn't help her learn how to control herself. So long as I looked at things that by me not doing X, it would help her become the adult I hoped she would become, I found it easier to not give in, to not engage, to not try to be everything to her. While she is at her dad's, take Saturday and just relax. On Sunday, start writing out what you want changed and what you plan to do to start those changes. Then make a list of what you expect Tink to do to help her cope with these changes. When she comes home, sit her down and tell her this is the way it will be. Let her know nothing is up for discussion or debate. When she tries to argue, walk away, say nothing. When she escalates, just keep saying nothing or simply repeat "this is not up for discussion" in a very flat monotone. Do not engage. Once she has gotten over the initial shock, you can ask her what you think she can do to help make things better and write those down. Put the list of ideas where she can see them. Make up cute business cards with her ideas and simply hand her one when she forgets what she can do. When she does the following you around, screaming, demanding, pretend she is a pain in the neck puppy that you need to walk around even while it is nipping at your heels. You don't want to say anything to agitate the puppy, you just want to get away from it. If you can't safely get to your room, simply sit in a chair, put in some earplugs or cotton balls (let her see you putting them in) and say nothing until she has quit her haranguing and pestering. When you give her a choice and neither is good enough, then do nothing. Sit in that chair, plug in to some music (and ear plugs) and let her have her tantrum. You can help her clean up the mess when she's calm. Whatever you do, don't later give her the choices again -- she opted for nothing, so nothing is what she gets from you until the next day. As I said, I've been in your shoes and they. ain't. no. fun! It took about two years for me to learn how to not engage (and even today I blow it sometimes) but it really did make a huge difference and not just in our relationship, but her relationship with others. She learned that getting her way wasn't always worth the price. She wasn't quite as bossy. She learned that sometimes being nice was the way to go. She was and is still extremely manipulative. She still doesn't really "get" it when I tell her no but she accepts it more often than not. She can still argue a point into the ground but if I simply repeat my initial statement, she does get the message that the conversation is over on this end (she's free to argue until the cows come home but this mom ain't gonna ring the bell). I honestly believe if I hadn't learned to disengage, she would still be the same as she was at age 9 and that was not a likeable person by anyone's standards. [/QUOTE]
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