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Wow. That was an explosion.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 403892" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If he says things like this, then he can't unring the bel. And saying things like this are a clear signpost that counselling is needed. You can't launch an attack and then say, "Oh, I've changed my mind," when the bombs have been released form the bomb bay and are falling.</p><p></p><p>And if you go on a bombing raid (to keep the analogy going) you can't then claim you're really a pacifist who hasn't got a care in the world. No, whatever you do or say has consequences. And in tis case, consequences means counselling. He has to accept this.</p><p></p><p>With the blood draws (if/when tey are ever necessary) - have you tried emla cream on him? That helped us big time with difficult child 3. We also explained the physics of it - a blood draw is easier by far, because you're taking OUT a little bit. It's when you have to inject something IN, to a space that doesn't have room for it (such as an im injection) that it really, really stings. But a good technician can slip a venepuncture in and you barely feel it. With emla - it should be possible for him to not feel it at all. And sometimes it is necessary.</p><p></p><p>We went through similar health issues with difficult child 3, which turned out to be purely anxiety and stress, to an extreme level. Counselling was not enough help, because counselling can't fix anxiety when every day feels like severe trauma (which is how it seemed to difficult child 3). We finally had to change his environment.</p><p></p><p>With your difficult child's relationship with grandparents, it does sound unhealthy. Could you give them more contact, but all of it supervised? Grandma is undoubtedly grieving too, probably not in a healthy way, and fixating on her grandson as a replacement for his dad. Everything he does that reminds her of her dead son, she possibly encourages in grandson. And it would be very easy, and understandable (for someone like her), for her to say she wishes the wrong parent had died, or that it is your fault, if you hadn't left him. Your late husband was very much into always blaming others; where did he learn this?</p><p></p><p>As a last resort, could you enlist the help of the police who would have attended? There would be case notes. Maybe they could talk to your son and help him understand, as an impartial witness from outside the situation and also experts in this area, that this is not a blame issue? It's no good your saying, it; in your son's mind you would tell him anything to stop him accusing you. But the cop(s) who attended the scene (and they would have had to attend) - that might help. Or if he says it again, tell him it is his duty to report such concerns to the police. Then drive him there. I know he has since said you didn't do it deliberately - but he till said it. You can't say these things and back out, as I said before. There are always consequences, and if you say X, the consequences are Y, even if you try to say, "I meant to say Z! I take it back!"</p><p></p><p>Another analogy - you're a contestant in a TV game show. You press the buzzer, give your answer but stumble over it, first saying a different word. You knew the right answer but your words tripped. The consequences - you lose that point, because your first answer is what stands.</p><p></p><p>He needs to learn - once something is said, those words are out there and the consequences of those words must be dealt with. And refusing counselling at that point just doesn't wash.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 403892, member: 1991"] If he says things like this, then he can't unring the bel. And saying things like this are a clear signpost that counselling is needed. You can't launch an attack and then say, "Oh, I've changed my mind," when the bombs have been released form the bomb bay and are falling. And if you go on a bombing raid (to keep the analogy going) you can't then claim you're really a pacifist who hasn't got a care in the world. No, whatever you do or say has consequences. And in tis case, consequences means counselling. He has to accept this. With the blood draws (if/when tey are ever necessary) - have you tried emla cream on him? That helped us big time with difficult child 3. We also explained the physics of it - a blood draw is easier by far, because you're taking OUT a little bit. It's when you have to inject something IN, to a space that doesn't have room for it (such as an im injection) that it really, really stings. But a good technician can slip a venepuncture in and you barely feel it. With emla - it should be possible for him to not feel it at all. And sometimes it is necessary. We went through similar health issues with difficult child 3, which turned out to be purely anxiety and stress, to an extreme level. Counselling was not enough help, because counselling can't fix anxiety when every day feels like severe trauma (which is how it seemed to difficult child 3). We finally had to change his environment. With your difficult child's relationship with grandparents, it does sound unhealthy. Could you give them more contact, but all of it supervised? Grandma is undoubtedly grieving too, probably not in a healthy way, and fixating on her grandson as a replacement for his dad. Everything he does that reminds her of her dead son, she possibly encourages in grandson. And it would be very easy, and understandable (for someone like her), for her to say she wishes the wrong parent had died, or that it is your fault, if you hadn't left him. Your late husband was very much into always blaming others; where did he learn this? As a last resort, could you enlist the help of the police who would have attended? There would be case notes. Maybe they could talk to your son and help him understand, as an impartial witness from outside the situation and also experts in this area, that this is not a blame issue? It's no good your saying, it; in your son's mind you would tell him anything to stop him accusing you. But the cop(s) who attended the scene (and they would have had to attend) - that might help. Or if he says it again, tell him it is his duty to report such concerns to the police. Then drive him there. I know he has since said you didn't do it deliberately - but he till said it. You can't say these things and back out, as I said before. There are always consequences, and if you say X, the consequences are Y, even if you try to say, "I meant to say Z! I take it back!" Another analogy - you're a contestant in a TV game show. You press the buzzer, give your answer but stumble over it, first saying a different word. You knew the right answer but your words tripped. The consequences - you lose that point, because your first answer is what stands. He needs to learn - once something is said, those words are out there and the consequences of those words must be dealt with. And refusing counselling at that point just doesn't wash. Marg [/QUOTE]
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