You can't expect change when things stay the same...right?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tinamarie1, Nov 30, 2013.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    This will probably be long. I need help for difficult child and just don't know where to turn anymore. This time last year, he started abusing pain killers (opiates). Then it was pot, then alcohol. More recently it has been spice and adderall (obtained illegally). He has drank a whole bottle of vodka over 2 days. He refills bottles that we have with water. (i no longer keep alcohol in my house because of this). He was drug testing every 2 weeks at his counselors office. Little did I know that spice and other synthetics don't show up on drug tests. Sneaky little booger... He had his counselor totally fooled. And I felt like she was constantly treating me like... "see... he is a good more drugs MOM!" Then husband caught him smoking spice in our house. Counselors tune competely changed and she basically said to what you have to do to punish him and send him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So I did. I got statements from her, his psychiatrist and our family doctor. All stating he needs Residential Treatment Center (RTC). To which Tricare said NO. Not good enough. You haven't tried hard enough for your kid. You can take him to counseling up to 5 times a week, you can try shock therapy, you can take him to group counseling, or Outpatient treatment 5 days a week. They are right I guess. I could have done all those things. BUT... I have a job and other family members to also take care of. The closest O/t facility is an hour each way from our home in rural North Carolina. His counselor and psychiatric offices are also over an hour away. So he was going every other week to these providers. That was the best I thought I could do.
    We switched counselors to someone who is about 15 min from our home. He has been seeing her for a few months now. Totally has her fooled as well. She keeps telling me what a good kid he really is and that its his depression causing his drug use. And if we can get his depression under control with medications, he will be brand spanking new. No drug use to worry about if hes not depressed! wow. thats a genius statement right? I have asked him before, "is it possible there is not a reason you are using, that you just like to feel high?" and he says well yeah. i love feeling high. I tell counselor this. She says well he doesn't realize its his depression controlling it.
    Fast forward to yesterday. husband and I leave to go to the clinic for my blood work and go grocery shopping. husband says to me, maybe we should not leave him here alone. I told him I am not going to live like a prisoner. He sleeps until noon anyway and we will be back before then. HA! Man was I wrong. Walk in the door and I see a pill crusher on the counter and residue. And a half empty bottle of nyquil (he has overdosed on that before). I said, what did you crush up. He says it was ibuprofen. Do I look stupid???? Do you want to look me in the eye and tell me what you really took? He says he just wanted to sleep (mid morning), didn't sleep well the night before so he took an extra seroquel. I said how much Nyquil did you take? He says one small medicine cup. i don't believe him. He constantly lies. I constantly find pipes in his room, both homemade and professional. To which he tells me that he doesn't use them for anything. Just has them. For decoration maybe.... *&^&**( really?
    I have called social services to ask for help and they have told me that we have to be on welfare/medicaid for them to give us any assistance. Grrrr. Many of the programs that I have called have told me they don't take our insurance, but take Medicaid. Last night a friend told me that she thinks he would qualify for medicaid just for having a mental illness. I am going to check into this.
    The same friend told me about a place in Florida that takes Tricare and is a drug and mental illness kind of Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I go to husband and show him this. The place looks wonderful. To which he tells me he doesn't want difficult child being that far away.
    When I ask husband, what are we going to do? What we have been doing for the past year is obviously not working! He thinks because difficult child is not addicted to a specific drug, that he doesn't really have a serious problem.
    I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Its driving me so far from my husband because I feel like he is taking difficult children side. He will get mad for maybe an hour when we find drugs or parafanalia. And then its like it never happened. I can't even look at difficult child because i feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. And when he is sweet and kind to me.....OH out because that is always a smoke screen for something else going on. So I never trust when he is nice and compliant.
    He constantly is trying to talk me into buying him cigarettes, e-cigarettes, flavored hooka things, herbs that he can grow and smoke. He has by the way gotten into my spice cabinet and smoked oregano. oh and tea leaves from my store bought tea bags. He takes apart air freshner containers and tells me he did it because he was bored. He spends about 30-45 minutes in the bathroom (which is were i usually find homemade bongs, lighters, etc).
    Please yall. I need advice. i feel myself sliding down a steep hill of depression. and wondering if some kind of alcohol or cigarette may make ME feel better about this hopeless situation. As far as myself going to counseling...I don't have the time for myself. He has weekly appts with counselors, psychiatric, doctors (he always says ssomething hurts him...and I KNOW it is a drug seeking tactic, because when the dr. tells him to take ibuprofen he tells him that does nothing for him).
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board, although I'm sorry you felt you had to come here.

    Your son is young to be into all this stuff. So was my daughter. She started at twelve. As soon as we knew, although we NEVER knew the full extent until she quit everything and told all, we cut off her money supply. There were no cell phones then (she is 29 now), but we did cut off her access to the computer and cigarettes? Any time we found them in her purse (and we searched her purse, her room, everything), the ciggies got tossed in the trash. We did not want her to think we approved of smoking. After all, it's our house. She was on parole by age fifteen. It didn't stop her. When she bawled and said, "You can't invade my privacy and go through my things in my room" we reminded her that it is OUR house and that she is breaking the law and that WE can be arrested too if drugs are here and that she gave up her right to have privacy by breaking the law and our house rules. She would be furious when we found her pipes, cigarettes, etc. and threw them out because they always belonged to somebody else and she was just holding them (sure, sure). She had to get a job in order to have any spending money. Are you going to let you son get his driver's license? Sounds like he'd be a dangerous driver. My daughter was in three car accidents while high. Only one was with our car. It was the last time we let her drive it. But drug users don't have much common sense and several of her "friends" let her drive and two paid the price.

    Get a firebox, hide the key to it, and hide your car keys from him. We had to do that.

    The only thing that stopped my daughter was her WANTING to stop. She had to leave our city/state first, but that's far after age fifteen.

    I think you need some common sense help from other parents. We found that many of daughter's therapists were idealistically unrealistic. Many therapists tend to have liberal attitudes toward parenting drug abusers, and that just doesn't work in my opinion. I highly suggest a NAR-Anon meeting and seeking out meetings at The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) for parents of mentally ill children. His depression is no excuse for making his life even worse. His prescribed medications can not work while he neutralizes them with spice, alcohol, anything else he may be taking that you don't know about. Now onto husband.

    Is this his biological father? Is he always so detached? If so, you will probably have to learn how to live a good life in spite of your child's problems, but you will have to do it without your husband since he doesn't think it's a problem. You can do it alone if you have to. You need therapy and perhaps real life help to do this until he either quits or turns eighteen (then you have other options).

    I am glad you found us. I am very sorry you had to look for us. Others will come along soon.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2013
  3. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Thank you MM. I have actually been coming here for about 10 years. :) Just don't post that often. We had about 4 years that were actually good! My son just turned 16 in September. I have been to ALANON meetings and find they don't do anything for me. It seems very monotonous with readings, not very interactive.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry they didn't work. I think it depends on the group whether there is interaction or not.

    At any rate, seems you know the routine. I'm sorry about that. This is quite a rocky journey.
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    On Tina, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can't imagine how frustrating this must be. I have no practical advice but in your shoes, I'd try calling your congressman. tricare is fed govt/military? Call your local congressman's office and pour it all out to them. They may be able to advocate on your behalf. IME, they are staffed by bright & dedicated young interns who have not yet become jaded and tend to jump on a good deed. I am so sorry. Get a good door & lock for your bedroom, take the door off of ds's room and strip it to the bear minimum. Call the police every time you find something, maybe you can get court ordered help. And take good care of yourself. Please. {{{hugs}}}
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hey, Tinamarie. I remember you a bit but Lordy I am sorry you are in the position you are in now. I have been there done that and like you just keep trying and trying to find the answer for my young teen. It drove me NUTS how many counselors tried to convince me "he's a great kid and is just experimenting". Duh! I raised the great kid and knew that he had a great big problem. There was only one woman who truly got it. He confided in her and trusted her. He also, lol, told her that he loved me so much that she could share anything that might help me find help for him. Funny and sad!

    Outpatient is not going to work. He is seriously in trouble. I used two Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s in Orlando. One was highly recommended but had changed hands. It did more harm than good. The second one was great. It was flexible on insurance AND had a sliding scale AND allowed time payments. I told him that if he did not give his all that I would have Department of Juvenile Justice send him to a gov't program. Much to my surprise (why I was surprised I don't know) he got discharged from the great place and the day after I contacted Department of Juvenile Justice.

    I won't go on and on about our experiences but just want you to know that you are right and your husband is wrong. It will not "go away" on it's own. Likely it will not "go away" with a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. on the other hand, if you can protect him from himself by limiting his freedom there is a change that he will improve. He is too young to be left with-o supervision as he honestly can accidentally cause permanent harm. If you can talk your husband into a treatment center make sure it is populated as much as possible by families similar to your socio/economic level. The first program I chose I did not know to check that. Most of the teens were from unstable backgrounds, often had been in multiple foster homes and many were Court ordered. easy child/difficult child learned more about criminal activity and immoral choices there than my other kids learned in a lifetime.

    I'm sorry to "see" you again as I hoped your life was full of easy child living. Stay strong. Don't let him see you crying. It is a horrible place to be but you have to give your all for his sake. Hugs and prayers coming from me to you. DDD
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I was watching a program yesterday about sugar addiction. The speaker indicated that the brain chemical dopamine is often at the heart of any addiction ~ sugar, heroin, cocaine, coffee, nicotine. The drug of choice works by stimulating dopamine production, thus increasing the levels of dopamine in the brain. That is why we feel happier after having a drink, or eating sugar, or smoking, or whatever. As the dopamine levels fall, we have some more of whatever it was, and up they go, again. Eventually (three weeks was the length of time the speaker suggested would "set" the addiction), we need more of the substance more often to feel the same "high." I was watching CSpan, and the speaker's medical credentials seemed to be in order, so I think there was some merit to his presentation. Anyway, that would explain why your son does not yet have a drug of choice. He has not used one thing long enough to set up an addiction to that substance, in addition to the dopamine rush that is responsible for setting the addiction in the first place. But he likes, and his brain has become dependent upon, higher levels of dopamine just to feel normal. Without the dopamine high, which can be provided by any number of things, he feels depressed.

    This was all explained as it applies to sugar, which does the same thing ~ ups the dopamine levels in the brain.

    If you google CSpan and look for that program, you might be able to have a look at it yourself and see what you think bout his explanation for the mechanism of addiction. Maybe your son would feel more in control if he understood the dopamine cycle? It does explain the depression.