You don't have to wait until they are "ready"

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, May 1, 2017.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So came back from vacation last night. Saw my son on Monday in his detox/rehab program. We met with him and his personal therapist as well as his family therapist.

    We had not seen our son since Christmas. He had a relapse in March when he got benzos from a doctor. He had been doing some drinking and weed. I knew it but nothing I could do about it. We were in a bad position. Benzos to him are like Kryptonite to Superman.

    His therapist is a tough cookie. She is a tiny little thing and a former addict. Probably late 20's, pretty and is married with a child. She quit when her parents pulled back 100%. This is what I keep hearing over and over from so many professionals and parents on the "other side" of this (where I want to be!!).

    Husband had some questions about what to say etc. prior to son coming into room. She said we need to tell him exactly how his substance abuse has affected us. Do not hold back.

    We had never done this before. Not like this. After about 30 minutes he broke down. He really broke down. This was the first time they had seen any emotion from him in the 2 weeks since he had been there. We told him everything that we had felt. How he had lied and stole from us. How much we hurt from all that has happened. We also told him we were taking his car and phone with us. My husband was really tough. I grimaced at times. Son said he was afraid to talk in front of groups. I said we are now done. We are following the professional's advice to a "t" so I guess you'll have to talk in front of groups if that is what they say you need to do.

    He is going to an IOP tomorrow in Margate, FL and then to sober living there. They recommend he stay in sober living a minimum of one year. We also met the people at the place he is going to tomorrow. It is new and started by a husband and wife team. The husband is a former addict also and they have two young boys and their vision was to create a place that they would feel good sending their sons to, God forbid they ever need it. We were very impressed with them and everyone we met there.

    We have not heard from our son since our meeting on Monday. I did talk to his therapist and she said he is actually participating now and she even got him to talk for fifteen minutes straight. She said he admitted that he MADE up his ADD and ANXIETY to get pills. He was 15 at the time. He was actually even diagnosed with this. He even fooled the doctors. This is a stomach punch to the gut. I am having a hard time processing this information. I feel like an idiot. The extent of the lies and manipulation is a hard pill to swallow.

    So many of the Difficult Child on here have "anxiety". I have to wonder why I have always felt this diagnosis was overused. He has situational anxiety she said from dealing with what he does when using. That makes so much sense.

    I asked her if him having no choice could actually force him into sobriety. She said well you're not going to wait around until he is ready. He has to do it now or he is on his own and good luck. Then you can go on and live your life. I know this sounds crazy. You can't parent an addict like other kids.

    I am proud of us. I think we are finally where we should be.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RN, i applaud you for your bravery. And courage. And wisdom.

    For years I have posted on here, feeling like a bad guy, telling parents who want to see real change to do the hardest thing ever and give them emotional support if they do right but cut the money, the rent, the sadness for their anxiety and depression which is often to manipulate you so that you feel you have to take care of them or they may kill themselves. I do not get many likes or stars because some parents dont want to hear it or dont think its true, at least not for their drug user, but it usually is unless a child has other problem, real disabilities...then seeking community help in my opinion is best. I have done that too with autistic son. That also worked.

    Im sure many feel my posts are callous. But i have been on this site 15 years and read all the manipulation of drug users of their parents. And the adult childs chronic stagnation, dependence and continied bad behavior.

    I have also seen that in 15 years 90% or more of our kids who bring us here do not grow up until we TOTALLY cut the money, the "hand up" which they take advantage of and let them go,o as far as monetary support. And almost all do not live with us.

    Yes, I 0ften feel like the grinch, but this is a pattern I have seen all these years.Like my daughter, like Patriots Girls daughter, like Kathys awesome daughter, like COMs son, like so many kids who grow up...these people are different than typical adults. They abuse our loving compassion and fear for them. They take advantage of us and keep using and often lying about it, like my daughter and her sad stories until we said " no more. You are on your own." And she quit after a few months of no monetary help.

    Almost every time i think a kid is still using here, a post eventually appears that says he is. Or she. Drug users lie and lie and then some. And tell us they have anxiety, depression, anything to keep us in the dark and sad for them. Anything to keep us pitying them. Anything to do what they want and live off us as they lie to us.y daughter tricked a psychiatrist into saying sje had bipolar. She is clean for so long now and doesnt have bipolar. She fooled us and her doctprs. Drug addicts have to be good actors. They are.

    I wont make many friends but will continue to do what I feel is responsible...tell the truth as I have read it for fifteen years for those who post here and also the lurkers. I know its not what people want to hear, but I am seriously trying to give good advice.

    I like your sons counselor. She gets it.

    Tons of blessings.
     
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    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  3. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    RN0441

    Where did he find this 1yr inpatient program. It must cost a bunch
     
  4. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Its sad how some want rehab but cant afford it
     
  5. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi RN. I'm exhausted "just reading" your post. Glad you had opportunity to tell him how he had affected you both. It had to reinforce your determination to hear him say he had made up the anxiety. It doesn't surprise me as I know in my head that they will go to all lengths.... You've gone above and beyond to try to help him, it seems right that now you rest and wait and see what happens. The ball is truly in his court.
    Sometimes we wonder who we would be if we hadn't gone through all this (and still are). Certainly I wouldn't have a panic attack when a loud car goes by-thinking he's in my driveway again bringing drama.
    Certainly my hubs would have time to golf if he weren't helping seek social services/insurance, shelter...
    ...and that's what Difficult Child never gets...
    I realize how blurry the line is now...
    BUT we also have soooo much more compassion for the parents hurting from their adult child's choices and indeed for that one "child" standing at the intersection holding a sign, homeless. He is someone's boy/man, grown but not...
    Prayers.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are low cost county rehabs but rehab wont help until the person is ready and wanting to quit. Many often end up in different rehabs. Many quit without rehab, when they want to. You do not need a lot of money for your loved one go quit or my daughter would still be using.

    Remember, it has to cone from them and if they need it there is always a rehab or outpatient or NA.. i know a few people who quit just going to Twelve Step.

    The best rehab cant force anyone to quit.

    Thats ehy Al Anon teaches detachment along with trying to live your own life.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Teriobe:

    The sober living program is not covered by insurance at all and that is where the one year mark starts. He will have to pay his own rent and/or if he's in college full time while there (which they support) we will help with that cost. He is transferring to an IOP today and that is also covered by insurance thank GOD as well as his rehab and detox. The sober living is right there too. I am a bit nervous because this place literally opened in December 2016 so it's all new but I can't have this anxiety and have to put it in God's hands. We did meet with the owners and it seemed good and his therapist highly recommended it.

    He finally called husband yesterday which was his first call to us since we saw him on Monday. He called before I got off work so he knew I would not be home. I am actually glad that I was not there. He and I were very close most of his life so I am glad he is reaching out to his father. My husband said he seemed in good spirits about the move to new place and they talked about college. Like many his age, my son has never taken a bus in his life. Oh well he's going to now.

    So Ready to Live:

    Son does not know that WE know he made up anxiety and A.D.D. to get pills. His therapist just told me yesterday. I never thought this was even a possibility. I told husband about it yesterday and he said he is actually GLAD he does not have such bad anxiety. I am very angry that he lied about this. I think of myself for the past six years and how horrible it was to feel my son had such bad anxiety and trying to help him so much etc. I take it very personally. Yes it is truly exhausting and yes I also have so much compassion for those young adults holding signs on the road. I feel for their parents and I never thought much about it before. I think that going through this makes us appreciate each other and the good things in life so much more than before.

    I really believe in life that everything happens for a reason. I cannot even imagine the reason that our family and our son has had to go through this and where it will all end but I do hope that someday I find that answer.
     
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter used anxiety and A.D.D so she could get pills. She convinced multiple doctors, therapists, and even addiction specialists that she needed benzos to cope with the anxiety. She admits it now. She also said that rebound anxiety is even worse when you first stop using. She does have depression and mild anxiety issues and continues to take medications but they are non-narcotics which proves it is possible to deal with anxiety without benzos.

    She recently told me that she couldn't believe that she went to the lengths of having her gallbladder removed just to get the pain medications. She went to a doctor and said she was having stomach pains to get the pain medications and the doctor suggested she had a gallbladder problem and decided to do surgery. She went along with the idea because she knew she could get the medications she wanted.

    She told me that her addiction had caused her to lose one of her organs. Luckily, it is not one she needs to lead a long life.

    It just goes to show how far an addict will go to get their beloved pain medications and benzos.

    ~Kathy
     
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    Last edited: May 4, 2017
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter told me that she let us believe her bipolar diagnosis because she wanted us to believe her strange behavior and days sleeping/nights up and out would not be so suspicious. In truth, she is not mentally ill. High strung a bit, but not bipolar.

    We truly were afraid she was sick and very fragile so we tiptoed around her. We thought she was just using pot because of her bipolar...had no idea then the extent of hsr drug use.

    They will do anything to use while they use. They are not the same as thwy were before using. Very devious.
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Kathy:

    OMG the gallbladder story is unbelievable. WOW. That is crazy.

    My son's new IOP called yesterday to say they are putting him on 50 mg per day of Zoloft for depression and to help stabilize his mood. Fine with me. Who wouldn't be depressed living the life he tries to lead though? Heck I'm depressed at that too!! I just drink wine but I'm not an addict so that's okay!

    They also said he is participating a lot, talking etc. They did not expect that because at the rehab he did not do that until after WE went there and confronted him and told him our true feelings.

    He called last night. They had a very full day. I still don't hear what I want to hear. I'm very impatient.
     
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  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Addicts tend to be so selfish, I think they rarely even consider the effects their choices have on others. I am glad you got to open up about that, RN. It sounds like a good program, and sounds like maybe he is ready to start the hard work this time.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Our son's therapist called Friday after work and we talked to her for a while. She says our son told her he is staying there as long as he has to because he has no place else to go.

    He does seem to be participating but she asked if he is quiet and shy and I said yes he is. He isn't reaching out to the others he shares the house with but maybe that will come in time.

    We met this therapist when we were in Florida last month. Her son is actually an addict so she probably has a pretty good feel about what she's dealing with. I can't imagine being a trained addiction therapist yet having a son that is an addict. Another one of life's cruel jokes I guess.

    She asked if his older brothers would be open to talking to him and/or her so we gave her their phone numbers. I had told her we thought they would be good role models for him when they moved back for a bit after college but he ended up stealing from them too. She said that siblings that do well can actually make an addict feel worse. Go figure. Everything I think would be good is bad and bad is good!