@#$%&*^@!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amstrong, Jan 9, 2007.

  1. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    difficult child has been doing home school and is fairly ahead of schedule. his 1st booklet for 2nd semester English resulted in 3 failed tests and his having to do the book over. he is finished with it and is convinced he will fail the test again. as of last night, he was to go to the testing/tutoring center this morning to tutor and then take the test. they and i have repeatedly told him, if he fails a test to wait to see ms. lisa, who can look and see what he might be needing - sometimes they will allow him to correct his answers but he will never stick around for this after he fails a test as he gets angry when he fails.

    this morning he grumpily (extreme) got up and said he wasn't going because he will fail it anyway and the tutor wouldn't teach him anything-he she would just give him the answers. i told him fine, but i am only trying to help. this escalated and he was disrespectful-imagine that-and mad at me! when i spoke to husband this morning, i mentioned this to him and he exploded and hollered at me (something i don't respond well to) and said he didn't want to hear about him again. well, the kid is mine, not his, has been my life since he was born and he lives in our home. this is gonna be rather difficult for me not to speak of my son. i include husband on difficult child stuff as he is the only true dad my son has ever had, not to mention i need his support. also because he is really good at getting thru to difficult child when he is butting heads with me.

    i went home for lunch and husband isn't speaking to me. ok, i am the injured party here-he has no children, his mom is a big part of our lives. i love her dearly but she sometimes gets on my nerves and i would never act that way about her even if she were a major thorn in my side, which she is not. i am just upset that he expects me to exclude difficult child from our conversations because that is a habit i really am not sure i can break. we are going on 5 years of marriage and he knew about all the difficult child-ness going in and i am sick of everytime he gets mad at difficult child, him wanting to shut him and anything to do with him, out of his life.

    I am just whining i guess and i know it will work out-it always does. husband is a good man and nobody understands his frustration and anger more than me but geeze-i need some support and maybe a hug here. we almost have the boy graduated which wil be a big hurdle accomplished.

    if you made it this far, thanks for reading.
     
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I hope you are able to get more on the same page with this. I do understand why the frustration hits. Hopefully just time to step back and calm down and it will get where it should be. You sure have to be a joint effort, so to speak. I hope he does realize this, you can't wander around in the same house not speaking, especially when it concerns your own son.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Robyn, I hear ya. It's really difficult to live in the same house with a husband who doesn't want to talk to you or want you to talk about a certain subject....especially when that *subject* is living under the same roof.

    When I would get all twisted up with frustration I would head to the mall to window shop. It gave me a couple of hours away, doing something I enjoyed. Can you do something just for yourself tonight?

    ...oh....and here's a BIG HUG!

    Suz
     
  4. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    husband and I went through this a lot when difficult child was at his worst (still do sometimes). It was so bad I started calling husband "the stepfather," and he's difficult child's biodad. I think part of it was that at times he felt that I set off difficult child for no good reason (even though to me, the reason was legitimate, and a lot of times, it didn't take much to set off difficult child). I think they (husband's) also get frustrated because they're programmed to fix things, and sometimes we just want what you said-some support and a hug. We don't always need them to fix everything, but they think that's what we expect.

    I hope things have calmed down at your house and your husband is speaking to you again. And I hope your difficult child is in a more positive mood. Dealing with two grumpy males at one time in one house is more than even a :warrior: should have to deal with.
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My husband is my difficult child's real father, and there were times in the midst of difficult child still living home and us discovering his addiction that my husband got very tired of difficult child being the center of everyone's life, and he too did not want to hear another word about him at times. I had trouble dealing with it at the time, but now when I look back at it, I can kind of understand how he got to that point. Sometimes we put so much time and energy into trying to fix our difficult child's problems, that we neglect the ones around us who are doing what they need to do with their lives. My easy child daughter was very resentful at times also, and it took a really good counselor to get me to see that I needed to find an in between and take care of myself as well as the rest of my family and not be so totally focused on difficult child that everyone else was pushed to the side. It is not easy to do, in fact it is very difficult, because there were times I felt so drained by difficult child that I resented anyone else needing something from me. If your difficult child is being disrespectful to you in your home, then your husband is probably tired of watching what this is doing to you and everyone else around you.

    Please don't feel I'm telling you that you are doing something wrong, because believe me, I have been there done that. I have done everything you are doing now and didn't realize the negative impact it was having on everyone around me until I was able to detatch and step back a little and really look at what my home life had turned into.

    Your difficult child is over 18 and I think at this point you need to step back a little and allow him to fail if that is what he chooses. You can't do this for him and he needs to learn the consequences. It is so much easier for him to blame you then it is for him to take responsibility of his life and what he is choosing to do with it. I think that is one huge trait of a difficult child, blaming everyone else around them, and it takes a long time before they can begin taking responsibility for their own actions. My difficult child is going to be 20 next month and he's just starting to learn this, but he's getting pretty good at it :smile:
     
  6. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Good advice from KFld. When we were still married and going thru all B's junk my "husband" kept saying I can't do this anymore. Like we had a choice. Then sometimes toward the end of whatever was the crsis of the moment "husband" would start yelling at me. Now that really helped the situation!!! Maybe it's that maternal instinct that kicks in so strong to help and guide. I'm never sure which is harder to nurture or detach. Both are hard.

    Short term goal? Get him thru school however you can. Can you get support from friends and give hubby a break??? Keep hubby updated on positive progress of difficult child?

    Long term goal? After graduation let difficult child suffer more consequences on his own. Get busy finding activities for yourself to build you & your relationship in new directions??

    I know this is so hard. Sorry you have to go thru this..
     
  7. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Thanks to all for your kind words of wisdom-the reason I come here daily. I am trying to detach, something I had to learn with dex. It is so much harder with your child! I am trying to do what I can to get him through school-he is so close-and then, as suggested, I can let him face up to his mistakes. If you all remember, I had to boot him out last spring and he managed to get himself into some trouble which I did NOT help him with. I am doing sooo much better detaching now than I was back then. difficult child is good kid, just takes a long time to "get it".

    husband is speaking to me and he knows he upset me-will probably never apologize or address it but I can tell from his actions and tone that he knows he upset me.

    On a better note, difficult child, who is like waking the dead go a new alarm clock and set it for 9:00 this morning and he called me at 6:18--this is MAJOR.

    Geeze, I wish my life could be just a teeeeeeny bit easier!

    Thanks again!
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Robyn, you an wonderful mother and a good wife.
    one day it will all pay off for sure!
     
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