a new problem...difficult child has disappeared

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceLee, Feb 21, 2007.

  1. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    I came home from work yesterday to find a note from difficult child:

    "I don't have to work tonight so I've taken the dog and am going over to K's house. I'll call you later to let you know my plans.
    I love you!"

    She never called and never came home last night. Still haven't heard from her. Don't know whether to be worried or mad. This is not the first time she's done this, but I'm worried due to the situation with abusive boyfriend.
  2. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'd be worried too. I hope you hear from her soon.
  3. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Did you try calling her cell phone or calling K's house??

  4. Ally

    Ally New Member

    That is so worrying. I hope that she calls you or comes home soon.


  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I hope you've heard from her AliceLee.

  6. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hope you hear from her soon......
  7. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Have you heard anything yet, AliceLee?


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Have you called all over looking for her?
    I am sure you are panicked beyond belief.....
    Please let us know if you've heard anything.

  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I hate when they do that.
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Alice that's been two days, have you heard from her?
  11. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    We still have not heard from her (Thursday afternoon). I called her friend last night, and she had not heard from her either. The friend said difficult child was gonna call and maybe come over, but that she'd never done either.

    My next call was to the police. They sent an officer over to her apartment to check things out. Neither difficult child's car nor the boyfriend's car was there, and nobody answered the door when the police officer knocked. The dog was there, though, barking.

    A neighbor came out and told the police that she had seen difficult child and boyfriend around 6:30pm and they looked like they were leaving on a trip (had plastic grocery bags packed with clothes). The neighbor also said she'd overheard difficult child talk with the apartment manager about subletting the apartment. The police officer asked me to come by today and make sure the dog was being cared for. He said the apartment manager would probably let me in to check on the dog.

    My husband went over at about 1:30. Nobody was home, and the dog was no longer there (no barking when he knocked). He was able to look in through the balcony window and said all their furniture and stuff was there and undisturbed.

    I'm hoping that all the clothes in bags were boyfriend's and that she was helping him move out his stuff. I'm prepared for worse, though. They may be fleeing (he's potentially facing more jail time) together.

    husband and I have decided that to save OURSELVES from going insane (and to protect easy child), we are going to have to set some very strong boundaries in place. Although we'd like to give her that "soft place to land," we can't go through this again and again. We won't allow her home again without a complete psychiatric evaluation and treatment first.

    Thanks for listening.
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Alicelee, it is good that you have a plan. Sounds like she is reverting to what she knows.

    Just shaking my head as I'm sure you are....what can you do that you haven't already done?

    My difficult child asked me today what is it about women that make them want to stay in an abusive relationship? I told him that usually these women have low self esteem, they think they can't do any better or somehow they have the idea that they have to be with someone. I think all young persons should be required to live on their own for at least a year.... It really builds your confidence if you know you can live on your own...

    He said yeah, but what if they don't listen to you? Then I said," Well, I know that feeling--like watching a train wreck and yelling for them to get off the train.....They just can't hear you....."

    He then said, "But train wrecks are exciting...." Guess that says something too, looking for the bad boy thrill.....

    Hope your difficult child survives to find answers....thinking of you.... :crying:
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am so very sorry that you and your husband have to bear thru this. please remind yourselves that you did not cause this and it is not your choice. you can do one thing still....pray for her and give her to God's care.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm sorry. Sending many gentle ((((hugs)))). It's good to have a plan in place.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Sounds to me like she is going with him wherever he is going, or you would have heard from her. You are right to feel you and husband need to save yourselves at this point. You can't allow her to come back home unless he makes some drastic changes in her life, and even then I would think twice. She isn't ready to follow the rules and the fact that she can make you worry like this with no contact tells me she isn't ready to change yet.

    You and husband need to live your lives and she has to live hers right now. I'm sure it's terrifying because of the relationship she is in, but there really is nothing you can do at this point. Hopefully they will catch up with him and they will put him in jail, and she won't sit around and wait for him to get out. I'm sure he'll convince her that the jail time will change him!!

    Please keep us updated if you hear anything more.
  16. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    It's been a rough couple of days for you and for your husband. Now that you know difficult child is alive, it is time for you to turn your attention to healing yourself, and to putting your marriage back on a firm footing having nothing to do with difficult child. If you have other children at home, now is the time to reweave family for them, too. difficult child has made her choice. You advised her to do differently.

    That is the only power we have, Alice Lee.

    To advise the kids to do differently.

    Take care of yourselves and of your easy child now.

    Choose joy.

  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am so sorry Alice. She knows you love her and she knows you want better for her, she will remember that in the rough times.

    You have done all that you can do.

    Cover her in prayer and regain your strength.

    I am glad you and husband are together in your thinking and that you are setting boundaries in place for the future.

    I know your heart is broken, just remember that we are here and we care