A rant about something minor ..but annoying

[dashcat]

Things are going pretty well with my difficult child right now, and I know I shouldn't complain about something so minor ... but it is frustrating and extremely annoying.

My difficult child is a slob and she smokes. I am very careful with my things and I do not smoke. She is at least three sizes larger than me.

And I cannot ... no matter what I say to her ... get her to LEAVE MY THINGS ALONE. She takes my leggings out of my drawer, claims she has no idea where they are, and I find them in her room streched out with holes in them. "Those are mine, she claims. The ones hyou bought me." No. These are a size small. They are mine. The ones I bought you are in tatters in the back seat of your car."

Last week, I was looking for a scarf my niece brought back for me from Italy. difficult child claimed no knowledge of it's whereabouts. Yesterday, I was getting ready to go to an event in my town - an ice festival and it is FREEZING, by the way. Where is my knit scarf? Where are the mittens that match? Where are my earmuffs? difficult child is a work, so I can't ask. I grab a far less warm pair of gloves and go off.

I am getting ready this morning to do an outdoor photo shoot. It is 19 degrees. I decide to check her car and, lo and behold, there is my knit scarf. There are my mittens. There are my earmuffs. And tney all REEK of cigarette smoke.

I return from the photo shoot and state: I needed my x, y, z yesterday. They were not where I left them. I needed them this morning and decided to check your car. They were there and they stink of smoke, so I could not use them and cannot until they are cleaned. Do you have my scarf from Italy? "No, no, I am sorry. I won't do it again". "Do you understand why this bothers me?" I don't take your stuff. I would give you the shirt off my back, but I am very angry when you take things without asking and then ruin them." "yes, I understand". "You do not have my scarf from Italk?" "No."

She goes up to take a shower. I go back to the car (pig sty. really awful) And there, of course, is my scarf. The gift from my niece.

What the heck? How many conversations can I have about this? There have already been a million, and she continues just to help herself.

I know we all have worse problems than this. Heck, I have worse problems with her, but it makes me CRAZY.

Dash

 

[Mattsmom277]

This would drive me crazy too. I've got an idea, that may or may not work, probably depends on if she would throw a fit that wasn't bearable or not.

How about picking up a large rubbermaid type bin, or even a large box. Each time you KNOW that something has "disappeared", do NOT even bother asking her. Simply enter her room and take something comparable of hers, that she actually uses (in other words, not clothes she hasn't worn in 5 years). Put it in the bin/box. Set a timeline for return (Same day your items are returned, or same day as item is returned in GOOD SHAPE and SMOKE FREE, or whatever). Keep a sheet of paper taped to the bin/box. On it, write in bullet form, every item that disappears, as soon as it disappears and beside it write what item in the bin/box was taken and placed there until the return of your items.

I would be livid personally, and sure this might be minor compared to some issues discussed on the board, but it is not in itself minor. Disrespect for the property of others is a big no no for most people, at least those of us who respect our things and therefore also respect others things. Stealing those things (because borrowing without asking is really, stealing) is a bigger no no. Lying about stealing this things? That's where I'd lose my koi, so to speak. Perhaps it's time for your daughter to see how cruddy it feels to look for something of HERS and find it just GONE, no notice, no warning, no asking, just GONE. Logical consequences and all that jazz.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It is perfectly understandable that you feel angry. We had a different problem in our house with our difficult child (he wasn't borrowing my clothes lol!) and I had a locksmith change my doorknob in my room so I could lock it with a key whenever I wasn't in there. I kept the key on me at all times.
That is kind of extreme, but you may want to keep anything you don't want difficult child to borrow in your room, then remember to lock the door. She may be offended, but maybe she'll learn.

 

[buddy]

That's not so small a thing! It's very disrespectful. I hope she gets your message, but I imagine you'll have to hide/lock things up too.

 

[trinityroyal]

I don't think a key lock on your bedroom door is extreme at all. In our house ALL interior doors have key locks, and husband and I have a full set of keys to all of them. When difficult child was still living here and very unsettled, he used to steal constantly. We locked up everything so that he couldn't get at our personal items.

Dash, you have every reason to be upset about it. Ask yourself, "If a stranger did this with my things, how would I feel?" If your difficult child is taking your things without permission, it's stealing, plain and simple. She's shown that she can't be trusted with your things, so she should not have access to them. Lock your room. Lock any cupboards outside of your room where you keep personal things that difficult child doesn't treat properly. She hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy, so she's not worthy of your trust.

Just my $0.02.
Trinity

 

[dashcat]

Thank you all. It is only here (and at Families Anonymous) that things like this are really understood. I needed your validation more than even I realized.

I'm considering the lock on the bedroom door. I do have a small locked safe where I keep valuable jewelry and some medications that I don't want her to access. I'm not sure I can handle the expense of that right now, but I am thinking about it as an option.

It's just one more thing about difficult child's that really hoovers. I wish I could simply say "please ask" and she would. I know better, but it doesn't stop the frustration at times like this.

With so many bigger things to worry about, I truly appreciate those who took time to reply ... and to help me feel less petty about the whole thing

Dash

ps: Mattsmom, love the idea, but (sadly) she values things of her own so little, this isn't likely to work with her. I can, however, see this working in a different situation .. thanks for the advice.

 

[rejectedmom]

UG! My difficult child did this. Was constantly sneaking into our bedroom and taking stuff then denying it. Eventually we put a keypad lock on the door. It was interesting the questions people asked when they saw it when when we were selling the house.

 

[susiestar]

Get a good sturdy lock. If the hinges are on the inside of the room, and you don't want to change the doorknob and/or put in a deadbolt, put in a hasp and get a padlock. Sure, it won't look the best, but it will get the job done and come off later if you want it to. They make a circular padlock that is much harder to break into that I recommend if you go this route.

If you just want to change out the reg lock, it is NOT that hard to install a deadbolt. Pick one up, real the directions, if you don't fully understand the process, use google to find more detailed directions, and give it a try. The worst you can do is to have to put the old one back on or call a friend to help you.

You say she doesn't value her clothes enough to make taking them a consequence for taking your things. What does she value? Who's name is on the title to her car? Who pays her insurance? I would start using those thing as leverage. Quite frankly, she is stealing from you. she takes with-o permission, she lies about it, and she does not return the items. That is stealing and you CAN press charges.

I am sorry not to know the details, but why is she living at home still? If she cannot keep her sticky fingers off of your things, maybe she needs to go find her own place and pay her own bills. She is 21, not a child, and she will not stop until/unless the consequences are more of a problem.

I would think about these things and then consider giving her a move out date. Not sure of all the details, but I would at least think about it if I were you.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I understand but can give no advice because I cant do a thing about my problem non child.

 

[dashcat]

Susie,
The only things that she would truly "miss" are her cell phone and her car. I helped her buy her car, but she pays her own insurance, gas and most of the maintenance (Mr. Ostrich helps with this). She pays her own cell phone bills. Even if I wanted to, i couldn't take these away ..and I wouldn't if I could (for this offense at least).

While I find her disregard for other people's property baffling and infuriating, it's not an offense that I would boot her out of the house over ... at least not right now. She isn't stealing and reselling things ... just being very weird and disrespectful of my belongings.

I am continually amazed at how her mind works (and doesn't work at times) on this subject. In September, we attended an out of town wedding on Mr. Ostrich's side of the family. When I was packing, she came in to my room and asked if I had a white sweater. I said I was taking the white cardigan and planned to wear it the day after the wedding (we were exploring Chicago). She was welcome to a white shrug I had. i gave it to her to pack and told her she couldn't smoke while wearing it.

We got there early on the day of the wedding and I went out to find my sisters-in-law to explore the area. She planned to stay in the room (crazy). After about an hour, I run into her on the street. She is already dressed for the wedding and is wearing ... you guessed it, my CARDIGAN. I immediately say "That is my sweater." She replies, "Oh. I found it in my suitcase. I thought you put it there so I could wear it." REALLY? Becasue I distinctly remember HANGING IT ON A HANGER before I left the hotel. I made her take it off. Seriously? Did she even think for a second I would think that I put it in her suitcase????

She also has a habit of always - ALWAYS - taking one or several articles of clothing from whatever guy she is seeing at the time. A cap, a sweater, a hoodie ...sometimes all of these things. When she lived with Mr. Ostrich, she would come over wearing his T-shirts, jackets (this drove him crazy, too) and once HIS SHOES!

I find this all very bizarre...

Dash

 

[socalmama]

I completely understand what you are talking about as I could of written your post myself. Several years back we put a pin-entry keypad on our closet door (huge closet) and I kept most things in there. I wish I would of put one on our bedroom door too as well as my other daughter's room and mother-in-law's room because it wasn't enough. We can't control our problematic non-children, but we can control how we react to what they do so take control and do what you have to do to. Although it is heartbreaking... allow yourself to be upset at first, then let it go because there is no shame in the locks, only shame in THEIR actions. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))