And here we go again.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, May 9, 2015.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hello friends. I haven't updated in a LONG time because things have been.....quiet. However, we all know that things don't stay quiet for long when it comes to our Difficult Child's.

    So here's what's been happening since the last time I posted. Difficult Child was put up by OTA in temporary housing in January. He was given a room and sevices and told that they would house him for up to a year if he was compliant. The rules were simple. No friends over, attend work first meetings, and apply for mental health services. He was never fully compliant but he somehow managed to stay there for about 4 months which is equivalent to like 80 years for a Difficult Child lol. Anyway, I've been noticing certain things on his Facebook for about two months now. People were posting about parties he was throwing there and how there were holes in the walls from those parties. I also noticed that two people were living there with him. 100% against the rules. I tried to have a talk with him about complying but he told me he was fine and to mind my own business. So ok....I did. I let it go. Didn't nag him. Didn't even ask. None of my business.

    Today he called me to tell me he's back on the streets. He started to give me a million reasons why it's not HIS fault. It's everyone else's fault. It's the landlord's fault. It's the case worker's fault. It's his father's fault. It's MY fault. I cut him off and said please stop wasting your breath because I don't want to hear it. We both know WHY you were kicked out so stop with the BS stories because you're wasting your time and you're wasting MY time. He promptly called me a lovely name at that point and hung up which was to be expected.

    So of course 5 text messages follow. He will make it on his own. He doesn't need anyone. His friends are more family to him than his family. We never did anything to help him. ETC, ETC, ETC. Same old song and dance. I didn't reply. No reason to even waste my time.

    I then started to think back to how I used to react to these things. I would go into a panic. Try to fix it for him. Obsessively check Facebook to see what he was doing, where he was, if he was still alive. Literally make myself sick from stress and worry. And then I realized - wow I have come a LONG way from those days because in all honestly I'm not really even phased. This is HIS problem from his own doing. He had choices and he made them and this is the result of HIS choices. Of course I love my son and want him to be ok, but HE continues to choose this lifestyle. He's had at least 10 amazing opportunities to change his life over the last few years and he's thrown every single opportunity away because he wants to live by his own rules and refuses to live by any rules set by others. That's his choice and I can't do anything to change that.

    So yeah - just thought I'd update. We're having friends over to BBQ and sit by the fire pit so I'm going to go finish getting ready for that and have a fun, carefree evening with the people I enjoy being with most.
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  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the update JKF! Yes, you have changed alot since 2013.

    You are someone i want to emulate. I still obsess over my kid. i try to read the detachment article every day.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    JKF----so glad to hear from you.

    Ugh about Difficult Child. I'm sorry. When will they EVER...

    In his own time and his Higher Power's time...whenever that is. We know that.

    I'm just glad YOU are finding peace these days. That is such a blessing and a gift, to learn how to find peace, regardless of all of the swirl of outside events in our lives, difficult child and beyond.

    I just wish I'd learned all of this earlier...but again, it all happened just like it was supposed to, in God's time for me.

    Enjoy that BBQ and fire pit! Sounds great! Warm hugs to you, please keep sharing with us. You get it.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    So typical of a Difficult Child. Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt.

    Good for you for not getting sucked back into the Difficult Child vortex.

    Enjoy the BBQ and fire. Hope you're going to roast some marshmallows.

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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Isn't it something that kids raised so differently say the exact same hurtful things to their parents.

    This is a great post. Very proud and happy for you. I remember when we all were getting started, here.

  7. Carri

    Carri Active Member

  8. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    So true. When it gets quiet, it's the calm before the storm.

    I actually deactivated my Facebook account. I found myself obsessing over my sons page, it wasn't healthy for me. Who were these new scary looking friends? Why does he know people in Mexico? I'd be looking at friends of those friends...It's easier on me not to know. I ask my family members not to tell me anything they see either, protecting myself from the uncertainties of his life style. Maybe one day I'll go back on Facebook, but For today, it's better this way.

    I hope you had a great time with your friends BBQing. Life goes on...

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  9. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    I deactivated my fb too. Even though he unfriended me I did the same things wasting time looking at his friends. I also find it painful for some reason it seems like everyone has wonderful relationships with their grown kids on mine. I'm happy for them but it just seems to remind me of what I don't have. I have to admit I do activate fb from time to time then back off.
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  10. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Hi iwantpeace,
    Exactly! All of those seemingly wonderful mother/adult child relationships only make me feel worse too. And I do the same thing, reactivate my account, realize why I'm not on and then deactivate again. Glad to know I'm not the only one.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Tanya we definitely did! My younger son is 14 and he had his friends here and the kids had the best time making smores! It was so refreshing to watch normal teenage boys do normal teenage boy things. The laughter, the jokes, the fun! Truly a great night!

    IAD - I'm not perfect. I still have my moments of obsession but it's definitely far and few in between. I realize now that nothing I do will change him. I don't agree with his actions but I accept him for who he is. I can't change him. Acceptance of him was the key to peace for me.

    It really is a blessing COM. And I have to say - if it hadn't been for this site and all of the support from you amazing people I would not be where I am today.

    Thanks Cedar! I remember when we were all getting started too. Wow! We've all come a long way!

    Anyway, he called me this morning to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. He was pleasant. Apologized for being disrespectful yesterday. Didn't ask for anything. Told me he's fine and is staying with friends. Told me what his plans are. I listened. I accepted his apology, told him thank you for calling me to say Happy Mother's Day, talked with him for a few minutes and ended the call with "I love you, be safe". He's going to be ok. Perhaps not my definition of "ok", but at this point that's not my call. It's his life to live and he certainly has made it clear that he's going to do it his way. So be it!
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  12. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi JFK,

    So happy to see you back on the forum, though sorry you still have reason be. Your last post sounds really good. Please stay with us.

    Your story has always resonated strongly with me.

    I love seeing you feeling better.

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  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I remember your story too, JKF. You have come such a long way, and your story has always resonated with me too, how you can be OK with the bad and OK with the good and just find joy with the ones who love you back. You are one of my heroes!
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Things do change. We change and they change, even if we can't see it all the time.

    Difficult Child had me over to his place last night for Mother's Day dinner. I could tell he was nervous in the two days leading up to it, because he called me multiple times asking questions about the menu.

    How could he NOT KNOW that I wouldn't care if we ate mayonnaise sandwiches....

    Anyway, we had a really good time, and a peaceful time, just the two of us.

    He told me that he has deactivated his FB page. To me, that is even better news than a lot of other things he could tell me.

    He is making progress. It may not all be pretty and in a straight line and like I would like it, but it is progress. He is light years from where he was this time last year.

    I am profoundly grateful and now, I have to work even harder with my tools---not to rush in, not to give advice, to be glad for the here and now, and not to think about the future or the past as key to what today brings.

    There is always work to be done right here, on me, all the time. So grateful to have learned this key piece of wisdom through this awful, incredible journey.
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  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    As strong as I've become I still have my bad days. Today is one of those days. I keep coming back to the fact that Difficult Child has burned yet another bridge and although he's staying with a friend, that will most likely not last and he'll be back on the streets sooner than later. He's called me a few times over the last couple of days but I find I don't have much to say to him. He wants to talk about computers (he's obsessed) and phones and video games, but I just don't have it in me to even pretend that I care about any of that nonsense. What I do care about is the fact that he threw away yet another opportunity to better his life, he's back to square one and he doesn't seem to give a s**t.

    Repeating the serenity prayer today and trying to pull myself back from this all too familiar abyss of sadness, worry and guilt. Today is definitely a day for me to be kind to myself. I think when I get home I'm going to work on my newest painting, cook a delicious dinner, read my new library book and just relax. No worrying. No obsessing. No guilt. None of that. At least that's the plan and I'm going to try like hell to follow through with it.
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