...and it all falls apart.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Sep 25, 2016.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, no reason to attempt to be incognito, my son expects me to post this and if he looks, he looks. Fact is, I'm not disappointed IN him this time, but FOR him. He was set to move into a trailer with a couple he knows. Two bedroom, reasonable rent, he was excited and happy. -Then J raised his ugly head.

    We spent three hours last night watching him have a major meltdown. J was moving in with him - and he didn't WANT him to. In fact, he wants NOTHING to do with J anymore. He can't be anywhere near J without him mooching off him, cigarettes, soda, beer, money, etc. He's sucking my son dry and he knows it. He doesn't even like J anymore. He truly wishes he'd just disappear. But J is like a stalker. He won't leave him alone. He's actually had fights with him to the point of physically punching J and trying to drag him from our house (when we weren't home) and J refused to leave. I believe he quoted J as saying, "You can't keep me out of your house, just try it." He's even come to where my son works, wanting money, cigarettes, whatever. He goes from antagonistic and bullying to crying, "You're all I've got." If my son refuses he's verbally abusive...really bad, awful things.

    If this sounds like an abusive marriage, it kind of is. He even said that, "It's like I'm in an abusive relationship and I can't get out." We told him what we know to do. "Tell J you don't want to be friends. You don't want to hang out. You won't give him anything - and stick to it." He's positive that would result in him breaking in, breaking windows, getting him evicted; and coming to his work, starting altercations there and getting him fired. J is homeless and has no job and no money and nothing to lose. My son won't ever call the police. "Snitches get stitches" is the quote I was given. J will, apparently, ruin his life if he doesn't put up with it. Yesterday he told him he didn't want to hang out, he had things to do to get ready to move, etc. J called and left abusive phone messages, and texted more than 10 times. A bunch of other people did too, all wanting to "hang out". He'd told them all he was busy, no one would leave him alone. He was just losing it. Like I said, 3 hours of ranting about J and how everyone treats him like crap.

    So...today we were in the next town over at a birthday celebration, leaving my son my car to get to work (no buses on Sunday). We stopped at a store and I get a call. My son is in complete melt-down because he can't find his key and lighter. Now, obviously, this is nothing to freak out about; he has my car and house keys and other lighters. But I don't think he really was upset about "nothing ever goes right", which was what he was saying, it was about J. He was so completely irrational. He threatened to kill himself several times but took it back. He was crying and clearly in no shape to go to work. He eventually begged me to call in for him because he wasn't going to. I did, told them he was sick, he was to call them and get a doctor's note or he'd be fired.

    Eventually it came out he no longer has enough money for the trailer anyway. He had $850 and a paycheck of unknown amount, but more than $100, on Thursday. He now has $650. He's been "helping everyone out". In other words, word got out he had money and the mooches came out of the woodwork. He paid $60 just in gas money going here and there. Frankly, I'm happy he's got that much left.

    Anyway, turns out he also hasn't signed a lease so there's that. He still has $650 and he isn't legally obligated to do anything.

    Long story short, like a woman who can't get rid of her stalker any other way, he has decided to leave town. His friend K has money coming from the sale of his grandfather's farm and last I heard, he and my son are planning on going to Colorado. Obvious as to why...but he doesn't know that you apparently have to live in the state 12 months before you can work in that business. I'll tell him that when I hear from him; he's at K's now. He did give us $620 to hold. If J or the other "friends" find him, they can't get what he doesn't have on him. He said he'll call the job and quit, which would be better than being fired.

    I don't know what I think of this. He knows that he may well be homeless in Colorado. But it is what it is. Not at all sure how I feel...but that he starts over somewhere else seems like a good idea. Do I wish his life goal was to work in a bank instead of a pot-shop? Sure. But it seems like a good thing that he wants away from the people who keep taking advantage of him and making his life harder than it has to be. This is a small town. It would be pretty hard - if not impossible - to do that here.
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    He actually asked us to post this at one point last night asking for advice on how to get away from J. We told him that would only get a bunch of the same advice we've already given him. He apparently thinks that J has a HUGE amount of pull with the criminal element in town in spite of the fact that its fairly obvious that nobody really likes J.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Wow, that's a tough one for him. The one good thing he is learning what it's like to have someone mooch off of him. I hope he will grow stronger because of this. I don't know if moving away is quite the right thing to do but if it gets him away from J then maybe it will be for the best.

    Oh the draw of Colorado - good luck to him! I still have family in Colorado and have been out there twice in the past few months. I cannot believe how much it's grown in the years since I moved from there. Housing is crazy expensive. My old house which was a modest 850 sf would sell for $400K. My niece rents a little one bedroom efficiency apt and pays $1600 a month.

    I hope it all works out well for him.
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Wow. I wish you could send J many states away instead. What a PITA.

    Good that son at least has most of his money left and didn't sign anything.

    Your son seems absolutely terrified of conflict. Maybe J does hold that kind of sway, but wow...he sounds like more of a punk.

    I agree with Tanya, I am not sure that leaving town is the right thing to do. I think son needs to confront his fears, not only this time but for the times to come. There will be moochers wherever he goes, only next time he will be dealing with them far from the support of you and Jabber and the people in your small town, who know your family and know what an @$$-hat J is.

    That's just my opinion, though, and of course I don't know J or anything else about the situation. Ultimately it is your son's call.

    My son is in Colorado right now, probably drawn there for the same reason your son wants to go.

    With all of the tax money the state has gotten from the sale of pot, support for helping the homeless get on their feet is quite extensive.

    That being said, if you don't want to avail yourself of their services and don't want to follow the rules (like my son), they have no problem telling you to hit the road. And because of the high quality of services they offer, there are many more homeless individuals arriving in CO who are happy to take your spot.

    I do hope your son screws up his courage and rocks J back on his heels a little (or a lot). Whatever your son decides to do, he does sound like a kind-hearted young man. Maybe a little TOO kind-hearted with the crowd he's hanging with, but he can temper that. I hope it all works out for him.
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2016
  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    It would be nice but he has made it quite clear that he will NOT confront J but will run. We've made it clear that other than buying his ticket, no money will be coming from us. He is always talking about helping other people and we just cant seem to get it through his head that until HE is in a good position then he cant help without hurting himself.
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    He's very determined to go. Turns out K isn't willing to move after all...though apparently he wants to go spend several days with our son in Colorado and then come back. His girlfriend is expecting, so maybe that's the reason. Maybe he's not willing to leave her high and dry after all...which makes him go up a bit in my book.

    But he's prepared to go as soon as he gets his last paycheck. Says if he is going to close his facebook page and change his number he's going to really disappear and try to start over in the place he really wants to be.

    I might mention here that he's never been outside the state except for a week or so in Illinois, right outside the state line.

    But he's very determined. Says he'll find a homeless shelter and find a job.

    Actually, what I told him was "we'd be willing to order that. You'll need a credit card." So yeah, he probably took that as we'd pay for it.

    And I told him, "Well honey I can't stop you and I want you to be happy...but you know you really will be on your own. Dad and I have pretty much maxed out our home equity loan, have less than $150.00 in savings (we really do, our finances suck), and won't be able to help you."

    So...I guess he's going. He could change his mind in the next week, but if he goes and changes his mind, he better keep his money because he won't be coming home on our dime. At least he's male. I think I'd be a wreck if I had a daughter doing this.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Actually, he says he flat told J he couldn't live there and his response was he was going to the other roommate...kind of a "we'll see about that". But you know, J won't stop. He'll keep turning up until he either gets him fired or evicted or tossed in jail. I'd rather he leave than gets arrested because he gets in a fight out in public.

    Oh...I really hope those two don't end up together. LOL
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2016
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    How about a restraining order. Would he be will ing to go into treatment for his anxiety. He could tell his boss and store security to bar him from the store. He's being threatning and extorting money file charges.
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    He wont call the police when J threatens him. Wont even tell the store manager that a former friend may come by to cause him grief at work. No, he is VERY anti-establishment. He also thinks that J would just use this for fuel on the fire.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Wow what a horrible person. This is just awful for your son. He has been doing better.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    He has. He has said several times "I was ready. I am ready to get my own place" and now this. It's nuts how expensive Colorado is to live. And so far away. That he feels he needs to do this to get rid of J? Kind of nuts. He says no one understands. Maybe we don't.

    And I don't think there's been any overt threats. I think that J just keeps at him and keeps at him and it's "Do it. Do it. Don't be a :censored2:. Just give me. Give me. Give me." until our son can't take it anymore. And J just won't STOP. It's "I will stay with you and you can't stop me." Short of calling the cops...he actually can't.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    It occurs to me that I have been downplaying my son's role in this debacle. He took the money and when he didn't get the trailer he lied about it. Several times. I'd told him that if he didn't give it for rent and deposit he would have to give it back or sleep elsewhere. He spent part of it...didn't have it to give back...and lied about it. I am terribly disappointed in that behavior and very worried about him. Because he's easily swayed into spending what he doesn't have and prone to irresponsibility. A bad combination.
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    This is my son and a great deal of other young people their ages.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    To be completely honest, I'm really worried about his underlying issues. We talked to him about his need for therapy. He doesn't handle things well, obviously. Everyone has problems, but he has PROBLEMS. When I told him that other people don't fall apart like him when they're stressed, he said, "Other people don't have my stress." or words to that effect. I informed him people deal with children dying of cancer. They deal with losing their jobs and having no income with mortgages and bills and kids to feed. They don't have melt downs they deal. We again suggested therapy. He foo-foo'd the idea of medication...he always has. So...
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry you have to deal with all of this drama.I know you just want your son to be happy and stable.

    That's all we all want. Sounds so easy doesn't it?

    Maybe him leaving town will be a good thing. It will be a learning experience for him at the very least and I always think that is a good thing.

    Maybe he just needs a fresh start. Maybe there is more to the story than you know?

    Hugs and stay strong.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have heard these exact words. There is a total disconnect between the gravity of the situation and the over the top reaction. It also appears that there is a global lack of awareness of other peoples needs/issues. It is a very 'me' centered universe that they reside in much like a toddler rather than a young adult. I agree that therapy/medication would help, but at his age you cannot force it. They feed off our anxiety which does not help the situation.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, Lil dear, your son is preaching to the choir. I have to hear, and this is from a 39 year old, "Other people may have problems, but they are NOT as bad as mine." If I bring up a friend whose grandson has very serious cancer he kicks it aside and says,"That isnt the same thing. Stop bringing up stuff like that."

    The mindset of a me centric victim is truly mindboggling. I know I can not make my son see that others suffer too, even worse, and do a better job of dealing with it.

    I am glad you are back, but sorry for this continued drama.
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm currently on the phone to get his number changed. J has left 40+ messages for him and he can't take it anymore. Blocking his number won't be enough, because he'll just borrow someone else's phone. Jeeze Louise!

    He's seriously thinking J is going to come to the house and pound on the door - I told him to call the damn cops but he won't. I suppose if he stays in his room he won't be seen and he'll go away.
  20. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I was thinking the same thing.