And the drama continues

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mtdenise, Nov 23, 2015.

  1. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Just when you think things are looking up, something else happens to bring one’s hopes crashing down. I mentioned a few months ago that my son’s roommate found drug paraphernalia in their apartment. He was going to kick my son out then but decided to let him stay. Well last night, he found more and confronted my son when he came home. He said my son was drunk, and when his roommate said he wanted to drug test him my son said he was tired and felt sick. His roommate pushed him a little to get him to stay and talk, and my son punched him. OMG! He’s never been violent before. His roommate is going to press charges (and I don’t blame him) and he has all his stuff by the front door. So my son will be homeless once again. I’m going to send my son a text telling him NOT to contact me. I simply can’t deal with the drama in his life. He has had numerous people try to help him over the past year to no avail. Until he can be clean and sober, I believe there is no helping him.

    The funny part is my mother was talking to my son last night. When she asked him if he was staying out of trouble he said, “Yes, I have two jobs and don’t have time.” I told her I hoped he was telling the truth but of course the email I received this morning told a different story. It’s so sad that I can’t believe anything that comes out of my son’s mouth.

    The police officer told my son’s roommate that if he presses charges my son would likely stay in jail for a couple of days. My son is also on probation back home (his last report date was next month…great way to screw that up!) so I’m not sure what happens now and I really don't care. Sad to say, I think I would be happy if he ended up in jail. It may be the only way he can receive the help he needs.

    All I know is I didn’t ask for this or raise him this way. There is nothing else I can do for him which is why I’m going to tell him not to contact me again. I need to cut all ties. His choices…his life. If I continue to stress over him and try to change his life, my life will be hell and I simply can’t live that way for the next 40 years. I’ve done it long enough.
     
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  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My suggestion is to wait until he contacts you and then calmly tell him you can't help him but that you hope he straightens out his life. Put it back on him rather than have him blame you for his problems.
     
  3. Quicksand

    Quicksand Member

    I completely understand how you feel. My son is in another state living in his car. He is using heroin. He will not admit that he's using, so, I have been (through texting) keeping a dialog open with him. I am trying to empathize with him an appeal to his intelligence to let him know it's never too late to get help (mental help), as I believe his mental illness is driving him to use. He will engage me a little, but it always seems he will find a way to take our conversations to - if you want to help me, send me $ or buy me a camper to live in or whatever. I then feel manipulated, like he was just waiting for the point where he could get to his real aim- to get something from me. I hope you can find some ease, and know you're not alone. My fur kids save me every day.. Thank God for them!
     
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry! I know that feeling of disappointment all too well.

    It's never an easy choice to make in cutting ties but sometimes it's our d-cs that make the choice for us.

    It was good of the roommate to let you know what's going on.

    :staystrong::group-hug:
     
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Mt Denise, I am so sorry.

    I think Nancy has given you excellent advice. Wait. Let him contact you first. Have it written down on a piece of paper by the phone what you have decided to say. Stick to the paper, no matter what he says. He will likely throw you some curve balls in the conversation. You can end it with: I love you, I hope you figure things out for yourself.

    He is 24 years old and there's no talking to him right now, since he is using drugs. He will have to do it his way---the hard way---and I get that because that is how my son has basically done everything his whole life.

    One day, by the grace of God, maybe they will get it.

    All I know is this: We have a very, very limited role to play in our adult children's recovery. In most cases, our "help" only hurts and delays the inevitable.

    They must learn to live life on life's terms. It's not pretty at all to watch, and taking a long break from it all is usually good for us and for them.

    We can't save them. We can't fix them. Our helping doesn't help. And if there is going to be change...it usually has to start with us.

    Helping them very rarely if ever leads to change.

    Hang in there. We know how much it hurts.
     
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  6. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Hi Mt denise..so glad you are sharing all of this..It is so hard to be settled when the Difficult Child's are suffering...Settled hell I just couldn'-t take it. Drove me to do all kinds of enabling..So my son who is nearly middle aged is receiving my gift, to him, of detaching, with love...it's difficult but some days aren't so bad. You are not alone..
    xox, Carolita
     
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  7. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Thank you all for your words of wisdom and comfort. I heeded your advice and did not contact him. Really, everything I would say to him he already knows (get help for your addictions, save money, live honestly, etc.). I haven't heard from him or his roommate so I have no idea what's going on or if anything has changed. Ignorance is bliss!
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi mtdenise,
    So sorry for this. The ups and downs of it. You are very strong, and standing firm. Good for you, and ultimately the best for your son. He will not feel this way and pull out all he has to try to get you to waver. Keep your tools handy. The advice you have received already is on point. It helps me too, where I am at with my d cs.
    Amen.
    Good work mtdenise. It is encouraging to see your firm resolve. You have stayed the course, it is difficult, but you are doing it. Yes, it is true, ignorance is bliss!

    Thank you for sharing, your story helps me to continue to stand firm. I appreciate your posting, and helping others, who are facing similar journeys with our d cs.

    Praying for all of us for peace of heart and mind

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  9. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Agree. Ignorance is bliss.

    Thank you for this perspective Carolita. I will look at it this way also. That I am giving a gift to my son by detaching with love. And it's a gift to me also.

    Happy Thanks - giving and Happy Thanks - living. Mahalo e ke akua.
     
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  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I love the wisdom of this.
    Happy Thanksgiving/living.

    leafy
     
  11. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Yikes. Just found out from my son's roommate (where he is no longer living) that my son was not to leave the state while he was on parole. I have no idea what happens now. My son is spiraling downward faster than ever. He hasn't contacted me since the roommate incident I talked about above...can't say I'm disappointed as there is nothing I can do for him or say to him. I simply can't have that in my life. He was given ample opportunities to change over the last couple of years. Just had to give a quick vent. I know you all understand what I'm going through and the array of emotions that sweep over me.
     
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi MD,
    OUCH, double OUCH. Yes, I understand completely what you are feeling. I am so sorry for the chaos, in your sons life.
    You have a strong foundation with your good attitude. The feelings come and run through us, but, we do not get stuck there. We are getting stronger. Good work MD.
    You are not alone. You are doing so well, in the face of this.

    It would be absolutely toxic to try to hold it in.

    Vent on, and move on.

    Prayers for you for peace of heart and mind


    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Mtdenise, he is moving forward fast and sometimes that can be a good thing. He will have to stop and face it at some point and perhaps that will be a turning point for him. It is really hard to watch them break rule after rule and it is scary for us. I am hoping he will be safely stopped at some point soon and you will be able to relax into that for a while. Those times when my son would be arrested were some better times for me than when he was running amuck. We're here for you through it all.
     
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  14. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    MD, I am sorry for what is happening to you. I know how you feel, you are doing great. Continue to stand strong and talk on this site. Yes it is very hard. I am learning to set boundaries it's hard and sometimes heartbreaking. Deep breaths, get our your toolbox.

    Prayers for peace for you!

    Big Hugs

    Hopeful
     
  15. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Denise, thank you for your post. That could have been me writing. I can totally relate. I think it's a sign of progress on our end when our Difficult Child's don't contact us when they're in trouble. They know where we're at in our recovery, that we won't bail them out. They're either depending on others or learning how to deal with their own problems, however that may be. It makes it easier not being caught up in the drama, but still so difficult in knowing they're still "out there". I'm so grateful for this forum. Hugs-Carri
     
  16. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    How can those charges materialize to anything its his word against your son and why is the roommates word more powerful then your son's?
     
  17. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    His roommate told me the police said there were no witnesses so he couldn't press charges. Seems strange to me, but then again I've never broken the law and tried to get away with it. He's still in parole violation, so I'm not sure what will come of that.

    I'm unsure what you mean when you talk about his roommates words being more powerful. Do you mean with the police or with me? I don't believe anything that comes out of my son's mouth. If I asked him what color the sky was, and he said blue...I would tell him he's lying. His roommate is a fantastic guy who I now consider my son. He's tried to help Difficult Child immensely over the past year and a half.

    Funny thing is, a few other things came out in the last conversation with the roommate...Difficult Child is pulling the exact same stuff on the roommate that he was on me and his father. So sad that in over 2 years Difficult Child has not grown one bit and has learned zero from his past actions and mistakes.
     
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Md, I am so sorry for your situation with you son, it is difficult when our d cs are on a fast track to the same old, same old.
    It is hard to see this happening with our d cs. It is the same for my two, while I do the "rinse, repeat" with loving detachment, they seem to do the same with their actions and mistakes. I hope, one day they will learn. Until then, lot's of work for me to build up myself and carry on in spite of their path.
    Keep strong and keep the faith. You are not alone.
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  19. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Mt.Denise, thinking of you during this difficult time..You are doing well it seems like you have firm boundaries set..The uncertainty is tough, the not knowing what will happen next that gets to me sometimes...,There is always a chance for a good outcome, or something that will eventually lead to one .You are a survivor, and it sounds like your son is too.
    Wishing you moments of peace, xoxCsrolita
     
  20. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Now he found a nice older couple to stay with during the day. His old roommate let him spend a couple of nights but finally told him no more. He's already stolen "17 cents for cigarettes" from the older couple. I don't believe that's all he's taken. His old roommate warned the couple about him. He still hasn't called his probation officer; he has until 12/16 to check in. All this info comes from his roommate just to keep me somewhat in the loop. The only communication my son had with me in the last 3 weeks was to text me his new phone number...that's it. Not even a "how are you doing."

    I broke down today...which I haven't done in a while. A couple days ago my husband put together our artificial Christmas tree and put the lights on it. We are having a party on Saturday...otherwise we probably wouldn't have put a tree up at all. I started putting ornaments on the tree and there were so many memories of my son. Ornaments with his picture, ornaments he made, ornaments with his name on them. I almost took the damn tree down. Worst I've felt in a long time. :(
     
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