Are you a people pleaser? You may be and not know it.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This list blew my mind as I continue to study the dynamics of families...the Golden Child, the Lost Child and the Scapegoat. I just found out one can be a scapegoat who speaks out and gets into trouble for it and also a people pleaser. I had to check "yes" to almost every single people pleaser trait. In my heart, if somebody says something about me, I believe it. I didn't even know I was supposed to or allowed to ever put myself first until I joined Codependents Anonymous and, although I got accused of it, I didn't. When I had a meltdown because I was not rightly medicated for my mood disorder, that was not being selfish...it was my illness. I did blame myself for everything that went wrong. I still have to fight that, but I'm a lot better now. Yes, I used to think I had to fix everyone, which is how I got into trouble often with my FOO. I spoke out in behalf of others and got blamed for it by both parties, but I felt I had to try.

    The only two that don't fit me are the last two. I never did bury my feelings and perhaps could not control them enough until put on good medications. And there still is a risk that rarely happens now if I'm under extreme stress so that the medications can't work.

    I don't believe I ever confused pity for love, however I did feel I had to care for others, such as my fist husband.

    How about you. Any surprises?

    Maybe I'm the only one interested in this. Happens a lot ;)

    Characteristics of People Pleasers:



      • People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires.
      • People Pleasers take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem.
      • People Pleasers feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment.
      • People Pleasers blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong.
      • People Pleasers are more concerned with others' feelings than their own.
      • People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives.
      • People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems.
      • People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others.
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For the most part I am a people pleaser. However, some of those characteristics do not apply to me. I think I am less of a people pleaser than I used to be. Having a difficult child has taught me that I can't always please everyone and I don't even want to try some of the time.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I always stated my mind, which is against what I people pleaser is, I think, but I often did it to try to stick up for somebody. I'm much better too. I have no problem putting myself first now, although not so much when it comes to my adult children. I still feel that tender mommy feeling (when they are being nice, which is most of the time.). I learned more from my difficult FOO than my kids...there are some people you can never please. What was that song...Garden Party?

    "It's all right now. I learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself."

    WHO SANG THAT? I'll have to look it up or it will drive me nuts.
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member


    • People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires. - Yep
    • People Pleasers take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem. - Eh...a bit.
    • People Pleasers feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment. - Not really "extraordinary", but definitely there.
    • People Pleasers blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong. - A bit.
    • People Pleasers are more concerned with others' feelings than their own. - Another "a bit".
    • People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives. - Duh! Of course. (Though I know it isn't actually possible.)
    • People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems. - Not really.
    • People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others. - I don't think so...
    Yeah...I've always known I'm a bit of a people pleaser.

     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you!!!!! I never did look it up. I like those words.

    Come on,Jabber. Time for you to take the test.
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Could easily replace "people pleaser" with "codependent" in that list - a lot of the same traits. I used to feel a lot of those, but have worked hard to come out on the other side! Now I'm just a selfish B, I suppose.. LOL.
     
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    • People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires. - A bit.
    • People Pleasers take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem. - Nope.
    • People Pleasers feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment. - Nope.
    • People Pleasers blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong. - Nope.
    • People Pleasers are more concerned with others' feelings than their own. - A bit.
    • People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives. - Not at all.
    • People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems. - Big time, but getting better.
    • People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others. -Nope.
    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...u-may-be-and-not-know-it.60096/#ixzz3WkL4eCrz
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am totally a people pleaser, to the point that I literally do not know what I want.

    I want everyone to be happy.

    That is what makes me happy.

    But now that I am all broken, I see that these people I have been so fixated on are ugly, and that ours is an ugly story, and that I am sometimes oh, so regrettably ugly, myself.

    Hooray for me.

    Being able to accept that this is so means I am coming real.

    It's a pretty good feeling.

    It has to do with locus of control.

    With safety, with believing we can take care of ourselves.

    I think this is true.

    I admire us, actually, for having survived when it was impossible to leave. Can you imagine our powerlessness in that time....

    Whoa, f you mom, blah, blah, blah etcetera and so on.

    :hugs:

    :choir:
     
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