Two nights ago I had a horrible dream about my daughter. After some stuff I can't recall, there was a moment in the dream where I was torn between SO's desire to walk away from my difficult child and my wanting to help her. As I thought that in the dream, she fell to the ground, writhing in pain, screaming, curled in a fetal position, in obvious torment, just letting out a blood curdling horrific bunch of screams. I knelt down by her and saw, to my utter horror, this black gook coming out of her face as she was screaming, it was like what mercury looks like in liquid form. I began wiping the stuff off of her face and first yelling at her..... to change her life," PLEASE, PLEASE stop this, remember who you are, hold on to who you are", I was screaming too. As I was talking to her, she started to calm down, she looked at me and her face began changing from the terrible distorted grimace to a relaxed look on her face. I kept wiping that black crud off of her face and as I did, she became more and more calm. I thought, "she looks like my daughter used to look, before the darkness took her over." I just kept gently wiping her face and now softly talking to her, telling her I love her and want her back. She had an almost angelic, peaceful look on her face. I woke up, it was about 12:30 AM, I was never able to fall back asleep. Yesterday I couldn't get those images out of my mind. It was not a good day for me.
I talked to SO about the dream, he said, "maybe it's more about you, and as you have accepted how it is, and wiped all the chaos out of your life, you have calmed down." Good point, he's right, I have done that. I've read that sometimes we play all the roles in our dreams. And, it feels like what I did too, in my own estimation, trying desperately at times, to wipe the darkness from my daughter's life. I don't know. It's just left me with a strange feeling inside. For a while yesterday, I even thought, maybe she actually died and that's when her face became calm, in death. Yikes. Even when our difficult child's are not right there in our lives, they are so dramatically connected to our psyches, they are in our dreams as well.
I feel a lot better today, I have some distance from the dream and whatever it means, I think I'm still coming to grips with my own process of loving my daughter and letting her go. I would do anything to take away her pain, and yet.............there is nothing I can do to take away her pain. Sigh.......
I talked to SO about the dream, he said, "maybe it's more about you, and as you have accepted how it is, and wiped all the chaos out of your life, you have calmed down." Good point, he's right, I have done that. I've read that sometimes we play all the roles in our dreams. And, it feels like what I did too, in my own estimation, trying desperately at times, to wipe the darkness from my daughter's life. I don't know. It's just left me with a strange feeling inside. For a while yesterday, I even thought, maybe she actually died and that's when her face became calm, in death. Yikes. Even when our difficult child's are not right there in our lives, they are so dramatically connected to our psyches, they are in our dreams as well.
I feel a lot better today, I have some distance from the dream and whatever it means, I think I'm still coming to grips with my own process of loving my daughter and letting her go. I would do anything to take away her pain, and yet.............there is nothing I can do to take away her pain. Sigh.......