Bart, mediation, and his anxiety disorder...grrrrrrrrrr

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Mar 9, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So Bart's ex, who I am sure must have extreme borderline because she makes him seem very stable, wants to go back for mediation and he got a letter about it. Not sure what it's about but ex has been obsessing over Junior wearing his glasses. The doctor wrote down he has to wear his glasses ALL THE TIME. Well, ex had been saying way before the appointment. that "He needs to wear his glasses all the time." Obviously being six years old, Junior didn't wear his glasses all the time until she went to another eye doctor and probably asked him to write that the kid has to wear his glasses all the time. There is really no reason for this. All my kids wore glasses, and Bart had terrible vision, but there was no way he wore them all the time a nd he didn't go blind. Well, at Bart's house, Bart doesn't make him wear his glasses and it drives ex nuts so I'm assuming it's about that. But Bart is already catastrophizing that this may be prelude for another custody battle, which she lost last time and nothing new has popped up this time, except the glasses and that she bore another poor baby to the man that she ran off with and is now married to.

    This is when Bart is at his worst and under pressure. He asked for my advice and I told him just to chill out, that she lost last time and she has nothing and that this is just mediation anyway. He went on a rampage and I got off the phone as he was losing it. If Bart goes ballistic every time his ex takes him to mediation or even court, he's going to blow his skull out of his head and watch it smash on the ceiling. He started saying, "DO YOU THINK I CAN GO THREW THIS AGAIN?"

    I just said, "Yes. It's no big deal. She lost everything she asked for last time."

    "But she's conniving and sneaky!"

    "And judges, mediator, and lawyers are highly intelligent and didn't fall for it the first time and aren't going to this time."

    "That's just because the GAL said to keep it 50/50."

    "Yeah, and she'll say it again. She's not a dummy either. She's a lawyer too."

    "But what if it goes into a full blown custody battle?" Rinse, repeat.

    The thing that bugs me is that I was supposed to visit Junior next week. I'm not working right now as I recover from surgery and Bart was going to pay for it. Now he can't and we can't. So I guess I won't see Junior. And, honestly, if Bart is all worked up over ANYTHLING it's always best not to go see him. He is only good company when he is calm and not catastrophizing. Then he is MEAN. And he expects me to be the one who calms him down yet he yells at everything I say.

    And I was just thinking how nice it is that I can "see" my granddaughter every single day by Skyping her (she recognizes me and gets all excited to see me) and to Skype Junior and finally get to see him too.

    Well, guess that just isn't going to happen. And guess I'll have to go low contact with Bart until this episode is over. I am not going to deal with what I did during the custody battle. His ex acts like a nutcase in court and I'm sure everyone is onto her right away. Fortunately, Bart can hide his feelings pretty well when he has to, but he never tries to hide them to me!!
  2. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I am sorry you are getting this right now. And, I agree - this is not a custody battle losing point. He IS catastrophizing.

    Laying low, until this passes, sounds good. What else can you do??

    And, yes, you can SKYPE with one grandchild and not another. This is not your choosing. You and I both know why it is.

    Again, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

    It never ends, does it? We hope & dream,'s always something, sooner or later. Hoping & praying for "later" seems our best chance.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    Oh, I don't feel guilty about the Skyping. I can't Skype with Junior as much anyway as he isn't with Bart all the time and none of my kids talk to Bart so Bart has no idea how much I Skype Buddha Baby, and he doesn't WANT to know. He is angry at all his siblings for not liking him. Hmmmmmmmmmm...wonder why not. He was especially horrible to Princess and she wants nothing to do with him and I can't blame her.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    MWM, I'm sorry about this. Ugh.

    You are so good about recognizing when to get off the phone and step back. As in: the minute he starts. You have taught me about this.

    Yep. Just do it. Let it pass by like a summer thunderstorm. Something will happen or it won't. Take care of YOU during this.

    Isn't this interesting for all of us? It's the Mommy and Me syndrome (I just made that up). This is the most normal aspect of our difficult child's behaviors, I think. For so many years, I would unload on my Mom. After all, she was MY MOM!!! That's what Moms are for, right? To take in all of our "stuff."

    I would even call my mom to tell her what I had for dinner, sometimes. Who else in the world would care or even listen to that type of irrelevant trivia? Our Moms would!!! Lol.

    Don't answer the phone anytime soon, MWM. Let the thunderstorm just pass on by...I hope it all turns out for the best, by the way. Warm hugs for you today.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I wish you could see Junior too (and Bart) for their sakes as much as your own. But issues with custody or glasses or anything else do not make it okay for Bart to revert to old patterns. Skype is great. Sending little things in the mail for your grandson is a really good thing to do. It doesn't matter so much that we don't have the relationship we might like with our grands. What matters is that they know there is someone, out there in the world, who loves them.

    That can make all the difference.

    My grandmother loved me wholeheartedly.

    That made all the difference, for me.

    She was very far away. She sent things in the mail sometimes, and she always loved us when she could. That is what matters, MWM. Not whether you go to Bart's. That is for you. This is about Junior, and his sure belief that there is someone in the world who loves him for himself. Custody battles are about ego. The child suffers, every time. Grandmothers are safe people, loving people, people who want no more than to love you and see you grow.

    Could Bart be testing the waters to see how you will react to a little escalation, to a little return to old ways on his part?

    Or maybe, he is telling you in advance that this is how he is going to behave if you do visit?

  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Poor MWM...He goes ballistic if you are "negative" and apparently when you are positive too. Really, he's so inconsistent. I hope it he calms down for you.

    Isn't that strange? We've had ours in an absolute panic, the screaming, freaking out thing...his phone rings and he is all, "Hey, what's up?" When the call's over he's back to his hysterics.

    Mediation seems extreme for the issue of glasses. What's she think is going to happen? An order for him to make the kid wear his glasses all the time? What good will that do? How's she even going to know? Are you sure that's what this is about?
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lil, my son can do that

    He called today so early that I didn't check who it was and answered and he was much calmer. He DOES listen to what I said and it calmed him down. I mean, this lady is going to take him to court over and over again and she's going to get known as a true nut, if she's not already. She never has any good reason to go to court and the Judge pretty much forced her to settle last time, but you can't keep a good nutcase down.

    Also, Bart has a girlfriend who is actually really a nice young woman and they had had a misunderstanding, but made up so he's a happy camper this morning. We'll see if it lasts.