Best Advice I've Followed & What Has Worked for Me so far...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeaGenieTx, Jan 16, 2016.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    The BEST book I have read is "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You". BEST advice "Think about your son 95% of the time = 95% misery, 2% of the time 2% misery" (or something like that...).

    My son is not speaking to me since I refused to go along with his pot smoking, whippit inhaling, alcohol drinking, partying lifestyle. At age 23 (fixing to turn 24) he's been arrested 3 times for misdemeanor pot charges/drug paraphernalia.

    I have gotten those calls that make parent's knees buckle. "Your son is going to jail", "This is Ambulance/EMS 71 your son was in a serious car accident, he was a passenger and his head is split open but he is alert and we are taking him to the ER", "MOM! I wrecked the car and they are arresting me!"

    Yep, my son has put me thru hell as a reward for raising him alone as a single widowed mom with no family support. My husband died when he was 2 mos. old, my parents and two older brothers died after that. I've been thru hell and I'm still here so hopefully sharing my advice and wisdom will help at least one person.

    I'm proof that bad things happen but you must go one. I've also endured sudden job loss, divorce and betrayal. So let me just say this.... THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN DEPEND ON IN LIFE IS YOURSELF.

    I've always been independent and taken care of myself since a young age. Someone once said "Why are you always in survival mode?" Well, it's what has saved my life and helped me endure all the crap that's come my way. This mentality has indeed saved my life. I've now taken on the motto "TRUST NO ONE" because it's a sad world out there.... You trust someone and they betray you, and it's usually the people you love the most.

    I've grieved, boy how I have grieved...I've lost everyone and I always said if I died all I wanted to be remembered for was being a wonderful mother. I always thought being a devoted mother, I'd end up rewarded with a grown son who would be there for me if I ever needed, we'd have a wonderful relationship and our best times would be when he was grown, getting married, having children, etc.

    Nope. I had to kick my selfish, drug dealing, partying, disrespectful son out of my home because he refused to put forth effort to make good choices in life and launch into the world. He graduated from high school in 2011 and since then all he did was wreck his car I gave him (transportation for school or work), stay out until 4am drugging and partying, get in a serious accident with a friend that split his head open, get arrested three times, blew thru a $30K inheritance he got from his dad's family (drained it within a month of getting it with nothing to show for it except a used Lexus with over $100K miles on it). His driver's license is suspended, he since ran into the back of someone and smashed a headlight but has not been paying his car insurance...........

    And I'm the bad guy. My son hates me and refuses to talk to me unless he needs something. He started a job a couple of weeks ago and I can keep tabs on him thru his Facebook but he won't contact me. It's still hard detaching and staying out of his life, watching him live with a friend and his friend's mom who is now taking care of him (cause she is a cool party mom and feels sorry for my son that I kicked him out).

    All I can do is pray every day that my son will mature, keep working and sort out his problems on his own. I pray that he realizes one day that I was a damn good mother to him and kicking him out was done out of love to force him to launch in life and get his act together. I have to stop myself every minute of every day to not text or call him to see how he is doing and tell him I love him. I miss who he USED to be (funny, charming, sweet). He is hateful, mean, selfish and angry now.

    It takes a lot of willpower to detach and not think & worry about him but it is what must be done to keep my sanity. The perfect post popped up on my Instagram this morning that I thought was pretty much a sign to me personally. It said "Don't chase people, be an example. Attract them. Work hard and be yourself. The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. Just do your thing."

    Chasing my son and wanting a relationship with him has not worked since I kicked him out. I'm a "horrible person who gave up on him and things would be better if I just accepted his lifestyle". No, I have morals and integrity and breaking the law is not a lifestyle I accept.

    He is too angry and needs time to grow up on his own. Copa gave me great advice to stop pining for him and move forward. It's NOT easy but it's working for me so far. The less I pine and think about my son the happier I am. Just takes PRACTICE. I think I'm doing ok - I have my moments but I'm getting better as time goes by.
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    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And yes, it can happen. I've seen some guys take until 27/28 or older to figure it out. And do a major U-turn. It's not a guarantee, but it does happen on a regular basis.

    It's tough having to go it "alone". We've had... the support of each other (hubby and I) and literally nobody else. Yes, it creates trust issues. No wonder my kids have trust issues as well!
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Great post SeaGenie!

    You have survived so much in your life. You have such a strong spirit and are doing great!!

    Thank you for sharing your heart and being an inspiration to others.