He says YOU'RE high maintenance - what is with this bloke? AGAIN he's projecting. ALWAYS he's projecting. And self-justifying.
I was watching Dr Phil the other day. This is the Aussie program, the one we get eventually after the networks have finished fighting over it, so it probably bears little resemblance to any time frame you may have seen it in. And on this episode, Dr Phil was talking to a couple who were trying to sort things out. The husband had been caught in a relationship with the nanny. The nanny claimed he had drugged hr and seduced her. The husband said, not so; she had thrown herself at him (which later he explained as, he was walking past her room as she was getting undressed). Then other people had come forward and told the wife of incidents they had had, of a similar nature. The wife had begun divorce proceedings and then inexplicably, begun to see him again and even let him 'sleep over'.
The fascinating thing in all of this was watching this man and how he responded to criticisms - instead of saying, "I'm sorry I fouled up, I did the wrong thing, I really regret what I did," he responded by attacking and trying to deflect blame. "Well, she had affairs too, she's not easy to live with, a man has to do something, what's a man to do when a woman throws herself at him, I've been a good provider and she's never been satisfied but is always whining" and all in response to Dr Phil saying, "But YOU are the one who seduced the nanny."
"Well, ****, it was only one little mistake, one tiny lapse in judgement, how long am I going to have to put up with all this ***?"
Never a hint of acceptance of responsibility.
And what really was obvious - never a hint of acknowledgement of guilt. No conscience. All pure ego. More upset that he was caught, and is about to lose his meal ticket (because for all his claims of supporting his family, HE is the one who is the gigolo).
Do you see the parallel here?
In this Dr Phil episode, the husband finally said, "Well, SHE is the one who called me, I didn't go crawling back, I didn't contact her first - she rang ME."
The wife turned to him and said, "I called you, but only after you had begged your father to ask me to ring you."
His use of the truth was manipulative and everything designed to get what HE wanted. The world revolved around him and HIS 'needs'.
Again, do you see the parallel?
This is so very much like that sociopathic former co-worker of mine. We worked closely and he despised me - I think because I was one female who had his measure and couldn't be fooled by him. I had a ringside seat to his marriage and how h manipulated people. I also had a ringside seat to his affairs. He also tried to drug me - spiked my drinks at office parties - but luckily I could hold my drink and also knew how to avoid a lot of nasty tricks. But the lack of conscience, the lack of any empathy and the total, utter self-centredness was breathtaking.
Watching Dr Phil's episode was like watching my co-worker hard at trying to wriggle out of his latest catastrophe. He'd lie and cheat, he'd attack viciously in any attempt to deflect blame away from himself. He would happily sabotage anyone else - nothing personal - just to get further up the ladder so he wouldn't have to work so hard.
Does this sound familiar?
Dr Phil's conclusion was apt - "Until he gets help to deal with the damage that has done this to him, that has made him someone who will do anything purely to get what he wants and put his own interests first, DO NOT get involved again."
He knew darn well when he told Jill, that you would hear it. He's known all along. He's manipulating Jill. He's using Jill to manipulate you. He is justifying this affair by telling himself, "She knows. She hasn't rung me to ask me back. She hasn't rung me in a rage. Therefore she clearly is OK with me having this affair."
Make it clear to Jill to NEVER let on that she tells you anything. Also make it as clear as possible to Jill that you aren't interested. If she talks and your ears are flapping, don't let her see it. Be as disinterested as you can be. Don't ask about him. Blokes like this (ie apparently sociopathic) are incredibly manipulative. Some are better at it, but all of them try it on. I do think his aim is to get back together with you, exactly as things were. Everything he is doing now, is to make you want him back to try to stop this behaviour of his and not miss out on his wonderful company. Remember, this is in HIS mind. He can't see you as someone with anything to offer, unless it is as being part of him. Without him, you are nothing, in his mind. He believes you are probably crying in y our soup every night. But all his current tactics are just not working on you as he hoped - therefore, you are high maintenance. Trying to get through to you by making you jealous, making you concerned for him, making you feel worthless and lonely, making you feel abandoned and about to miss the boat (ie him) is simply not working as he hoped - you are much harder work to win back than he expected. YOU ARE HIGH MAINTENANCE.
And the reason you are high maintenance - you have found self-respect, you have found your freedom, you have found honesty at last. And he hasn't got a clue. because that part of his mind is totally missing, has been for years. He will never find it again without A LOT of help. Until then, he will carry on as he always has. And in his eyes, what is wrong with that?
Don't worry about easy child - she will work it out for herself, if she hasn't already.
Marg
