difficult child strikes again!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Sep 5, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child has been hanging out with a group of kids who are definitely BIG difficult child's themselves. The one boy was in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with difficult child years ago and the other boy is definitely shady. Since difficult child started hanging out with them he's become more distant. He only calls me when they're not around. He never asks me to come see him anymore. He's up all night with them and sleeps all day. He got caught shoplifting with them. difficult child has never been into drugs before but it wouldn't surprise me if he is doing them now.

    We saw him at our town's annual Labor Day fair on Sunday with these boys. difficult child was flaunting money around like there was no tomorrow. That right there is a BIG red flag because difficult child has NO money. I asked him where he got it and he told me a million different stories. So the truth is obviously something bad. I didn't press him because he would have started raging and there's no point in that anymore.

    Anyway, he's supposed to move into a rooming house at the end of this week. His very own place to live finally!!! After EVERYTHING we've been through. He had an intake appointment at 10 am and guess what? When his MHA worker went to pick him up at the motel he wasn't there! And to be honest, I don't think he was there at ALL last night because I tried to call a million times and also this morning. No answer.

    I called the one kid and he was all like "ummmm no....I haven't seen him" but I could tell he was lying. I told him to have difficult child call his MHA worker and left it at that. I also left difficult child a message on his Facebook.

    One part of me is furious that difficult child is doing this and the other part of me is worried that something has happened to him. I can't get in touch with him and it's not like him to not be in his room at all! Uggggh! I just want to scream!!
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    And you know what really makes me so angry right now? The fact that I have that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. You know the one - when it feels like someone punched you full force in the gut?? I keep going back to the "what if" something has happened to him? I really don't want to start this cycle again. I've been doing so well keeping my emotional distance lately and I don't like this feeling one bit.
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    The joys of parenthood... NOT - when they are there they can't give you 2 feet of personal space but when they are gone we worry ourselves sick. Don't do like me and leave 20 nasty voice mails before you find out what happened. Nancy
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    JKF, if you can...give yourself a moment to name the emotions surrounding what has happened. And then, envision putting those feelings away. Put them in a soundproof box and close the lid. Lock it. Once you are left with just the facts, once you have it to the bare bones of "this is what is happening, right now" you will see how different it feels to see what is happening without attaching the overwhelming emotional burdens of shock or betrayal or anger or...love, or fear.

    It is what it is.

    Once you have taken every action you know to help your son, then you need, with determined intent, to love him and let go. With determined intent, you need to reclaim the wonder of being alive this morning, and you need to repeat to yourself that you are choosing to believe for the best. Even if you don't feel that way right now, try making those kinds of positive statements. Write it ten times in your journal. Even writing it three times will help your brain stop circling endlessly through worry and rage and fear and hope and pain.

    The kids are going to do what they are going to do. Once we have given our best advice, once we have done what we know and are willing to do, then we need to learn to be smart. Really, really smart. We need to monitor our inner dialogues ruthlessly. Negative thinking needs to be countered with "I am believing for the best."

    In this way, we can recover our equilibrium sooner.

    I have wasted so much of my precious lifetime in depression ~ in agony really, over my kids. I wish I had those years back. All the things I might have done, might have accomplished...but I worried myself sick over them, instead. I researched endlessly, wrote it all down, sent it to them.

    It was quite the joke in our family.

    But it becomes less and less funny to me, as I realize that I wasted the strongest years of my lifetime grieving things I'd lost. If I had it to do again (and it seems like we always get another shot) I would help where I could, but I would do everything in my power not to lose my own life to depression or worry.

    Here is something that helped me:

    I DECLARE I will speak only positive words of faith and victory over myself, my family, and my future. I will not use my words to describe the situation. I will use my words to change the situation. I will call in favor, good breaks, healing, and restoration. I will not talk to God about how big my problems are. I will talk to my problems about how big my God is. This is my declaration.

    Joel Osteen
    I Declare

    Another thing that helped me is Recovering's post on judgment. The essence of the post demonstrated the thought process behind believing in some grand plan, in some purpose we cannot understand. In the post, bad or good things would happen. A judgment would be made as to whether the incident had been a good thing, or a bad thing. The main person's response was always, "Maybe yes, maybe no." Time would pass, and it would turn out that, whatever the incident looked like at the time, it led to other incidents which changed what had initially seemed good into something bad, and vice versa.

    That is how it is in life, too.

    If we can learn to cut away the judgments we make about what is going to happen next, we cut away the fear and anger, too.

    We haven't changed the situation. (But then, we never did have that power.) But we have changed our response. Suddenly, we can see without the fog created by our emotions. We begin to feel compassion for our kids. Their paths are tough, and they won't, or can't, listen.

    All we can do then is love them.

    I'm sorry JKF, that this is happening to your boy.