Disturbing to the n th Degree

[Hound dog]

K emailed me back this afternoon. I'd have updated sooner....but seems everytime I've tried I get called away from the computer.

K was upset and grateful I'd let her know. She tore into M about it. M swears he 1. didn't have a clue he'd sent either picture of kaya (he was supposed to be trying to send me a picture of Evan which I did receive very late last night) 2. he didn't know the camera had taken the pics. It was accidental. (I'm guessing hitting a key or mouse button??)

Evidently M reacted appropriately horrified that he'd "mistakenly" sent such a picture to me. K apologized and thanked me repeatedly for forwarding the email back to her to let her know.

She said she's been trying to get Kayla to change her clothes and dress in the bathroom, but she doesn't always do it and last night had forgotten her clothes......2nd picture K assumed Kayla was reaching for her clothes.

I don't know if K is in denial or looking the other way. I don't know if M has her hoodwinked into believing him. Or if it really was a fluke that was sent by mistake. Or if K was pretending to believe him because he was hanging over her shoulder.

What I do know is that any pics sent by them do not appear in my email with a preview picture as they do with easy child and Nichole's. I have to "download" them to my computer and open them in my software to see them. K explained that when they send the pics, M doesn't get a preview, he just clicks on the file name and attaches it. Whether this is true or not I can't say because i don't know what media software they have installed. And I have all my photo files set to thumbnail in the folders so I can see what I'm sending. He may not. And I know that no picture they send is renamed....it simply has the file name the camera program assigns it.

I also know that this sparked a huge fight between them about M viewing porn online and messaging other women. And I'm not sure why K felt it necessary to tell me about that........It has me wondering. Because it sure didn't make me feel better to know M is viewing porn online. Under normal circumstances I could care less if the guy likes to look at porn. But they're cooped up in a single room motel room with 3 kids....who could snoop, or heck I don't know if the idiot even waits until they're asleep.

Now K not only thanked me for informing her, but also for looking out for Kayla and trying to protect her. I'm glad she feels that way because the anonymous call to cps had already been made. Although K may have already guessed that. I've called in the past when I thought the kids were in a potentially dangerous situation. And she knows me well enough to know I don't hesitate.

Although the cw I spoke to didn't especially impress me. I've yet to have one that did. Gawd how I loath cps. But I was assured it would be "looked into" and "taken care of".

I have no way at the moment to talk with K privately. M is not working which means he's there with her 24/7. But I'm calling sunday and I've a way to use the one-sided conversation technique, we've used it before, and while it's not the greatest........I can at least let her know that if she has even the slightest suspicion that Kayla is being abused that I will back her 100 percent in putting a stop to it, no matter what it takes. And will also tell her that if cps discovers that it's true and she's done nothing she can and most likely will also be charged.

It's hard to judge her reaction via email. I don't have facial expression or emotion.....just typed words.

At the moment the email is tucked away in a private file online where no one has access to it except me. I'm holding off for the moment on reporting to anyone other than cps. I'd like to give K time for the shock to wear off and size up the situation as only she can and act appropriately. I know all too well what that shock can do to a Mom who isn't expecting it. been there done that myself. And once it soaks in pieces begin to fall into place.

The only reason I'm holding onto the original email is that it is evidence. K deleted the picture from their computer and the email. If it is needed, I will have it.

That K is still talking to me is a good sign. I will see how this plays out. Do I think it was an accident? At this point......no I don't. But I've done what I can for now. It's up to K and cps.

Still, I'm going to check Travis's laptop tomorrow as he has exactly the same one they do and see how the built in camera operates. I didn't think to do it today. He ought to be able to explain it to me because he is the one who taught them to use theirs just several weeks ago so they could send videos and pics of the kids and we could chat via webcam online.

This was h*ll the first time I went thru it with easy child so many years ago. I never dreamed I'd be living it again.

 

[Rhonda]

Lisa,
Your family is so fortunate to have you. There is no way from reading a post to interpret the truth behind this situation. This situation is usually a "feel" thing. And if your "feelers" have gone off... then get on that bulldozer and plough ahead! Getting to the bottom of your concerns can do Zero harm.. no parent who is completely innocent will ever hold that against anyone. I would be very wary, but I do think it might be worth noting that you did not say he got angry about it.

In most cases (unless he is very intelligent) the perpetrator gets angry about someone even thinking they would do such a thing. I have to say the phone call with your little one bothered me. But, in truth, I think I instilled that fear in my own daughter a few times when I was angry with her. It depends on the child, and you know her way better than any of us could.

The 25/13 thing is troubling to say the least but then they are still together. How much faith do you have in K and her judgement? Perceptions are a tricky thing. They are based on our beliefs and fears. If our perceptions are wrong then our emotions and reactions are too. Take a hard look at this, trust yourself.

Could you have your granddaughter come spend a holiday with you soon? If you could be with her for a few days... school is not an issue compared to this...you could get her to a professional who could help determine what is really going on. (be careful, get recommendations)

If you do that. find someone ahead of time and give them all the information so that they are fully prepared to try to get the most they can from one meeting..it may be all you get.. If you get an all clear or at least nothing to throw up more flags then you have to decide for yourself from there. But, you will have taken steps to make your choices clearer to you.

I am so sorry you are having to struggle with this. It is one of the hardest things in the world. You sound like you have a firm grip on it though and I hope it turns out that it was just something that needed to be checked on not something really bad.

Hugs to you!
Rhonda

Oh about the photo thing... it is not a bid deal at all. Very few people have a real understanding of photo attachments, etc.. Just because some send it another way is not of concern.. I am a computer engineer and see so many people doing it all different ways... I would be more concerned if it were imbedded in the email. The only other thing was that it does take some effort to attach a photo and then choose who to send it to, so.. that is not an easy mistake to make...how could he not know he did it?? that is a little weird.. I would love to see his computer..
Would your daughter do a backup of the email file? I could give you detailed information on how to do this. If they dont know how to clean up their files properly then you would have access to all of the files he has sent.. not just the ones he sent you.

 

[Hound dog]

Rhonda, whle the visit to grandma's is a good idea.....K and the kids are too far away for it to be feesable. If it was, she'd already be here.

I too noted that M didn't become enraged. Or if he did, K didn't mention it. But I think she would have. As for how sly he is.......well, I dunno on that score. I don't know him that well.

I'm trying to be both objective while making sure kayla is not in danger. It's not an easy thing to do. Most especially when they are 3 states away from us.

I went ahead with the cps call because at best this is an "iffy" situation. There are too many little things to ignore, or to just say ok.....I accept your explaination without trying to check it out.

I'd rather step on toes and be dead wrong than to have Kayla suffer because I failed to act.

 

[katya02]

I'm very glad you went ahead and made the cps call, Lisa. It was the right thing to do. Of course M is going to protest his innocence, but you cannot send pics via email accidentally, and I don't believe anyone is going to have full frontal naked pics of their own children that they somehow know nothing about, 'taken accidentally', on their computer. The red flags you are seeing are real. This is horrible for you, but I'm so glad you've pursued it for Kayla's sake. I just HOPE cps follows up! And the cops, frankly. Although I've lost a lot of respect for police after our experiences with difficult child, they are the only ones who can confiscate that laptop and find out the truth.

I agree - better to step on toes and be wrong than fail to protect your granddaughter. Lots of hugs and warm thoughts.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Lisa, I am sorry to be late in seeing this.

This whole thing is making my skin absolutely crawl. From the fact that he sent them, to the fact that he dated your daughter when he was 25 and she was not much older than your granddaughter is now, to the fact that while all of them are cramped in a hotel room he is viewing porn...you have given him the benefit of the doubt 20X over. I am glad you told your daughter, and I am glad you called CPS. Sending strength, hugs, and prayers.

 

[klmno]

I'm not normally on PE but have read this thread and feel compelled to respond. I don't buy for one second that he "accidently" took those photos, accidently attached them to an email and accidentaly sent the email to you. I think the only accident he made was the email to you. And knowing that he wanted a 13yo and participates in online porn, well....cps needs to know ALL of that, not just one piece. I think you should call them back and tell them he makes too many accidental moves to be a fit and safe father.

 

[1905]

I'm hoping this isn't the case, but could it be the only mistake was that he sent them to you? as opposed to someone else? I wonder if K and the kids would have a chance of something better for themselves if she told someone about this. Like maybe they could get immediate help for abuse. I don't know, I'm just thinking. Knowing that he has an interest in young girls, he's on pornographic websites, people pay money for young girls pictures (I think), I'm glad you called CPS. If it looks like a snake, acts like a snake, ...it's a snake. Daisylover, I'm so sorry for your heartbreak!

 

[bran155]

First off (((BIG HUGS))). I commend you for all of your efforts. Your daughter and grandkids are lucky to have you. You absolutely did the right thing. Better safe than sorry, especially in this situation. Like you said, you would much rather create conflict than let that precious little girl be hurt! Good for you.

I am so sorry. I can only imagine what you are going through being so far away. But you did what you could. And lets hope and pray that, a.)cps does what they have to and b.)they find nothing!

I hope you are able to get some rest. Keeping you in my prayers!

p.s. I wish we could stop the world for you!

 

[DammitJanet]

The only way I can see this being a truly innocent mistake is if he accidentally took the picture...which can be done...I have taken pictures of my knees, the couches across the room, etc. Then if he then took the picture of what he really wanted to capture and downloaded them from the camera onto the computer but didnt check the pictures only saw file numbers and attached what he thought was the latest picture. I always preview my pictures before I send them because I forget to name them and have so many. They end up named something like Jan 09...24. I have to preview just to see what the picture is. Maybe that is what happened.

 

[Hound dog]

Well, he told K the picture was taken accidentally. The camera is built into the lap top, and works by pressing a key on the keyboard or the mouse button. So....I suppose it is possible. And K made it sound as if he thought he was sending the last picture he'd taken. He never previews. Just pics what appears to be the last picture taken. Which can explain some of the poorly done pics he sends at times, out of focus, kids half out of the picture, ect.

I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. Still, I'm too far away. Let someone else sort it out. sigh I hope I'll feel better when I talk to K on the phone.

I've not had time to dwell on it too much. mother in law has kept me busy.....and I'm coming down with some bug again. Most likely something I picked up while visiting mother in law in the hospital.

The winter quarter may be over........but evidently nothing else is going to stop anytime soon.

Thanks all for your support and advice.

Hugs