Jody, I said this to another single parent the other day - I think you are too hard on yourself, your expectations of yourself are too high and your concerns about what others would think of you are too critical, because you are a single parent. You could be right, in assessing how critical other people are of you. But my point is - if they are, then they are not worthwhile human beings, to try to hold you to a higher standard than they hold two-parent families. Anyone who is so critical of you and not of others, is hypocritical and therefore their opinions should not weigh heavily on you.
You have a difficult child. It is not your fault. But the more you isolate yourselves from the rest of the world, the more you make yourself the only measure by which your daughter assesses her behaviour. At the moment it is only a problem TO YOU. That is not good - for her (we already know it's not good for you).
All of us have to learn to not let the frowns of other people in public, upset us. People will judge. It's human nature. It is wrong, but there you are - people do it. The harm comes in when we let it upset us or change how we handle our children.
We had a thread not so long ago on how we respond to disapproval expressed in public. A lot of us do the "It's not my child," approach. Even more of us act like we would if we were at home. As soon as you show your child that your behaviour to them in public is different, the child will use this. So a child who learns that they can embarrass Mummy by throwing a public tantrum and then have Mummy plead with them to behave, learns they have Power.
I have developed some stock phrases to use in public.
"Anyone interested in adoption?"
"I'm sure we've all been there. And if you haven't - be grateful."
"PMT starts earlier with each generation." (that one is really effective for two year old tantrums).
Often we perceive public disapproval where none exists - it's not people being hypercritical after all, it's us being hypersensitive. Next time, tell yourself that the frown is one of sympathy for your plight. If anyone says something to you to indicate that they really do disapprove, tell yourself tat that person obviously had a nanny for their kids and therefore do not have the wealth of personal experience that you have.
I see you're fairly new - get yourself a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Surf tis site and see how much we recommend it. We do not get kickbacks (unfortunately). Go to Early Childhood forum and look at the stickies there, for some really good discussion of tis book.
I hear you thinking, "Not another book with charts, new methods I have to try to remember, organisation I can't cope with; it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed each morning."
been there done that. I also had tried a wide rang of behaviour management techniques which only added to my workload, with minimal benefit. But when I switched to this book - it was almost miraculous. And it didn't feel like I was doing anything different, but I must have been.
It's not a cure, but it should make your life a lot easier. And your daughter's life too. This then should snowball positively, and as it gets easier for you both, the stress level drops and again, things improve.
It won't be perfect. But it should be a lot better.
In there, however, you need to be easier on yourself. You're a single parent? So what? You are in the majority these days!
Marg