Drugs are winning

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SeaGenieTx, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I've been strong until today I just felt this sickening feeling that I needed to make sure my son was alive. I get these waves of anxiety like something awful has happened then I panic and worry and have to know if he is ok. So I texted him.

    45 minutes went by - nothing. Called and his phone rang/went to voicemail. I left a message "It's your mama please let me know if you are ok". Another 45 minutes - nothing. I started checking the local jails via the inmate search, nothing. I have no idea if he was dead where to find him. I know since his previous arrests and time in jail the police would have my contact information so if I don't hear from the police then he has to be alive.

    Then the phone rang. It was my son. On the other end was an incoherent high, drunk, stoned - whatever slurring person that I barely recognized. Totally wasted. Here is the conversation:

    Son: Yeah what..
    Me: Are you ok? I asked you to please text me every few days so I know you are alive.
    Son: Why - you kicked me out... why don't you text ME and check on ME? (Slurring & making no sense)
    Me: I did, last week and asked YOU to text me so I know you are ok... are you high? You sound wasted.
    Son: No, you are delusional, I just woke up from a nap.
    Me: At 6:30 in the evening? Stop talking to me like that.
    Son: Yea, I'm at *****'s house on a couch. You kicked me out.
    Me: Because you could not live by my rules. Regardless I'm still your mother and I care, you obviously don't care if I'm dead or alive or bother to check in and let me know you are ok.
    Son: Cause you kicked me out, you could check up on me... why, I know you are ok.
    Me: You can barely talk, please get off the drugs.
    Son: You are DELUSIONAL, I'm not on drugs, I just woke up. I'm going out later.
    Me: You are on drugs and you need help.
    Son: *CLICK* ...Call ended, he hung up on me.

    He was wasted. He sounded like he was on pills. He didn't even sound like my son.

    It's pitiful. The way he talks to me and I am still relieved to hear his voice (no matter how sick and hateful he is) at least now I know he is alive. That is the only thing that keeps me going. He is not dead or in jail (yet).

    Drug addicts - they show no remorse, no worry, no conscience - nothing. It's "You're crazy, you're the problem, you're delusional, it's all your fault".

    I truly know what I'm dealing with now - the worst case scenario. He is no where near seeing he has a problem or thinking he needs help. He's wasted and I'm the enemy. I can't do anything for him - wasn't planning on doing anything. I just wanted to hear my son's voice and know that he is alive.

    I've never endured such abuse and cruelty from anyone. The one thing I've loved more than life is killing me and breaking my heart. Anyone who wants to legalize drugs should be shot.
     
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I'm sorry about what you went through. No matter what they do, we always will worry. It's our built in mommy response. Sending hugs to you.
     
  3. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thank you FlowerGarden.
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I so understand where you are at! It is heartbreaking and I know that anxiety of just wanting to know they are ok.... it is why I check FB all the time. It is also the reason we pay for a phone for my son.... there have been times where I would check the web site for the phone and could see he was making calls and the numbers he was calling... I usually had no idea who they were but knew he was using the phone and so was alive.

    It is not pitiful that you are relieved to hear his voice, you are his mother and love him no matter what and no matter what he does or how he treats you. That is what mothers do.

    But no you cant do anything for him right now.... and so now you know he is alive, keep taking care of yourself and in another week or whenver check on him again when you need to. I wouldnt bother talking to him about his drug addiction because that is pointless....he needs to figure out for himself that what he is doing isnt working.
     
  5. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I realized it is pointless saying anything to him other than "Are you ok?". I used to be able to track him as I had the password to his bank account but he changed that. He doesn't post on Instagram or Facebook because he knows I'm watching. I see random posts on his friends accounts where he "likes" something or makes a comment but even there he isn't very active. I went thru his desk drawer today and he went to a credit union and took out a $1,000 loan, found some receipts at pawn shops for stereo equipment. I think he is broke and stealing, taking out loans to fund his habit. I seriously wonder if he is doing heroin or pills. His bills are piling up and if he's doing all that, he blew thru all the money in his bank account. I can only hope he hits a hard rock bottom one day without overdosing and dying. Even if he does call me back and want help - I will have to be extremely careful that it's not a ploy to get money or come back in my home and steal from me. I just can't let him blame me or make me feel guilty - not falling for that anymore.
     
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Sea I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Believe me I have been there many, many times. I know it feels terrible, the world comes crashing down upon us. We did not imagine in a million years our children growing up and becoming this.

    Sea, I have learned that thoughts and words are powerful things. Maya Angelou speaks thusly.

    Imagine what Einstein or Michaelangelo would have thought about our ability to send these posts worldwide, in an instant. Here we are thousands of miles apart communicating to one another. Many souls here on CD have benefited from each other's stories from the far reaches. Thoughts and words typed into computers traveling through cyberspace.

    How strange and mysterious.

    If man can achieve this, how much more so can God achieve?

    Thoughts and words are powerful things. Prayers are powerful things.

    I would like you to just try saying

    "Drugs will not win, my son belongs to a higher power."
    In this you are declaring to the universe, brighter possibilities for your son.
    It is not up to you to make this happen, it is between your boy and his maker. But your thoughts and words are out there, with the stars.
    "Drugs will not win, I am giving my daughters to you Lord."

    That simple prayerful statement has helped calm me in the darkest times.
    It has helped me move on from the desperate turmoil of trying something, anything to help, in spite of my own needs or safety, for that matter.
    It has helped me to realize there is nothing I can do, because they have strayed so far from me and my teachings that I must step out of the picture and surrender them and myself to God. I refuse to say drugs win, they do not.
    My two are on their own path and must live their lives as they choose. They will stumble and fall as we all have. Maybe a bit harder. But I will not give up the hope that God holds out to all of us.

    Our D c's are not so recognizable to the children we raised. They are journeying on their path. It is not happening as we would wish. It does not mean all is lost. It feels this way when we still cling to the hope that we can fix them. We cannot fix them.

    We can give them back to the one who can, and fervently pray for help for them, and for us, too. In our desperation we realize this thing is too big for us to handle.

    Thoughts, words and prayers are powerful, Sea.

    You will come out of this. You will be okay. You are strong. You are not alone.

    My prayers for you and your son for peace, and for my girls too and all of us on Cd.

    God bless. ((((hugs))))
    leafy
     
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  7. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Leafy - you are truly an ANGEL. You have been my lifesaver on here. I hope one day I could actually meet you in person and thank you for being here for me. Thank you - I swear I don't know what I'd do without you. xoxo
     
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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Xoxoxo
    We have met already Sea,
    you are me
    a few years back.
    I know you very well dear.
    Breathe, you will be just fine.
    One day at a time.
    God's peace be with you.
     
  9. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Leafy ((((HUGS))) thank u.
     
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS))) Sea,
    I am off to clay class.
    Will be thinking of you
    and the creations
    you will be making soon.

    Take deep, deep breaths
    and dream sweet dreams
    leafy
     
  11. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through.... it can drive you crazy, this mess. I think that at this point, after kicking him out, you need to detach, at least a little bit. You can't talk him into realizing that he has a problem and needs help. This is a conclusion he has to reach on his own.
    Hugs to you and yours
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, please remember your son is not treating you badly...his disease is. I did.not know my daughter when she took drugs. Its almost like being posessed.
    As hard as I know it is to focus off your son, try to do at least one nice thing for yourself today. Or more
    And always reme.ber he nay quit. It will be onhis terms and time but so.e of our young addicts have quit. Meanwhile try.to.treat yoursrlf well. Getting yourself sick over your son will not hrlp him. In his right mind, he doesnt want you to get yourself sick over him.
    Many hugs.
     
  13. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I know that exact feeling. My situation with my son is a little different than yours but I know the overwhelming anxiety that you just have to know their alive. I love the advice that new leaf gives to you. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm so sorry for you and for all of us. It's so unfair. I also recommend that you go to alanon meetings. Sending you hugs!
     
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter was completely unrecognizable when on drugs. Even her face didn't look familiar. If I have a nickle for every time she said she just woke up when I knew she was really wasted I would be wealthy.

    I use to get those panic attacks or premonitions that something was wrong also. And I did the same as you, tried to contact her an d then sat by the phone waiting for the call or text that often made me even more worried and angry.

    One thing I found out through it all, she always landed on her feet. I stayed up all night and worried sick about her and she was having the time of her life (or she thought so at the time).

    by the way my daughter use to tell me I was psychotic.

    Drug do awful things to people. I use to visualize my daughter's funeral and what I would say to all her druggie friends who tried to come and pretend they were sad.

    I don't need to tell you to be strong, you are the epitome of that. Your son is still very young, there is hope.
     
  15. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Nancy - thank you!!! Your post gives me a tiny sliver of hope.
     
  16. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Sea--Been there, as I'm sure most of us have. Wanting to just ease your aching mommy heart with 1 "normal" conversation, just to get slapped in the face with their terrible choices yet again. The only peace I was ever able to find in it was through complete cutoff. Periodical "Hey I'm here and I hope you're doing better" texts and FB messages and nothing more. If he was doing better and wanted to talk, that was my way of opening the door. If he wasn't better, I didn't want to know anyway. We went 4 months that way. All the while telling myself every day, multiple times a day "no matter what happens, he did it to himself through his choices. I can't change his choices, and I am too tired to try anymore." I am not through my journey, you are not through yours, and our children are not through theirs yet either. Where there is life, there is hope.
     
  17. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    I am sorry you are going through this. My situation isn't exactly the same but I know the panic to just want to know that difficult child is alive. I know the not answering the phone the click of being hung up on. I know the talking to difficult child on the phone and him not making sense. I wish I didn't know these things all to well. You might be farther along in this journey since you were able to kick your son out. My son came back from rehab in early August. There are red flags with my son that I know that I mentally need to get ready for the day I have to ask him to leave. I don't like this journey one bit yet I find it to be so hard to detach.
     
  18. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    Hope and prayers. Thinking of you.
     
  19. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    SeaGenie,
    I hear your fear and pain..It is a very tough place to be..it is hard to know what to do and to stop worrying. Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting or Naranon? They can be very helpful like this website..Keep sharing...and learning all you can about addiction and how to deal with it. I'll be thinking of you today..
     
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Sea thinking of you hope you have an awesome day....
    :)
    Leafy
     
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