Feeling stymied...

[klmno]

I have cheese- anyone have wine to share with my whine??

difficult child made it to school today and instead of me jumping into work, I'm still sitting here thinking too much, worried over finances, and can't get past the "OMG I have time alone" feeling. This of course, makes me feel guilty and mad at myself. I don't feel depressed but I swear, I cannot see a solution to this mess. I can't work full-time as long as difficult child has to be carted from appointment to appointment, not to mention his high-maintenance needs that keep him home from school so much. I can't afford to keep this up if I can't work full-time. I simply don't know what to do. I hate living in this house with the holes in the walls and doors that he has left from previous rages. I can't afford to have them fixed. I can't sell the house if they aren't fixed. I can't afford to keep the house.

I have never been told I'm bipolar, or felt like I was. But, if I am then I spent 12 years in hypomania and the past 6 months crashing. And now I have crashed and I have never been in a situation where I felt like this for so long without coming up with some solution.

I have an appointment to start with a therapist for myself in 2 weeks. It can't get here quick enough. I'm thankful for it, however, it won't solve this problem either.

I have thought about trying to find something I can do from home to supplement my income. I am concerned that difficult child's issues would sabatoge that. When we moved here 2 years ago, I had it all ready for me to work most hours at the office, then some at home so he wouldn't need after-school care and I would be here with him. I HAD to have my computer in order to do that. He sabatoged the computer. Then, he got so unstable that I had to give all my attention to that and could not possibly work while he was with me.

I can't figure out any way to keep supporting him and I am really starting to panic over what is going to happen to him.

I have no motivation to do what needs to be done, that I can do, because I know it won't be enough to turn things around.

There's my big whine or vent or pity party or all of the above....thanks for being here and putting up with it LOL!!

 

[Jena]

Hi,

I just jumped on quick before running out to the interview today and saw your post. It is so hard, you are soo right. You have every reason to feel as though you are now "crashing", taking care of our children, and balancing our finances is almost an impossible job. Yet, it is doable on some level.

I was a single parent for years, I've been divorced seen difficult child was a baby. Making ends meet was so hard and challenging, my work hours kept reducing and reducing until finally the sh*t hit the fan, I lost our home, I had cleared up most of difficult child's medical bills, most. There are still some coming after me, yet I made some very bad financial choices and boom.

One thing I have learned now, living where we do and boy is it small. WE are totally cramped is your home is totally all about the ppl in it, about you. A safe place to go at the end of the day and be warm, when it's cold out. The holes, fill them will spackle, and sand them down. Dont' worry about it, I know exactly what your saying right now, believe me more than you know. As far as the job thing is concerned, have you tried ssi to get some money in, what about doing what i'm doing now and going to the mental health office wherever that is there and applying. Their the only ones, besides a handful of decent employers that will understand your struggles with difficult child.

When I started the home based business I sat back and said ok what am I good at? You are so insightful, regardless where you derived that from, and so helpful and i'm sure that one of those facilities would be lucky to have you.

Ok i'm going to write more later, I'm running late.

I have something that will hopefully make you laugh, I couldn't afford to go out and buy pants to fit me, i've gained soem weight not working. So, I ironed and threw on old work pants, I bent over to zip up my boot and the button popped, than the next noise i heard was the hem that ripped and got stuck under my boot. I said oh carp!!! it gets better than i said ok safety pins, I reached for a safety pin and suddenly I no longer feel the umm upper body support my bra snapped!!! LOL

I'm held together by safety pins today, if I make a wrong move it's going to get totally ugly!! LOL

Also, it's ok to feel the way you are feeling right now, it's totally normal and to be expected, it doesnt' mean you also have a diagnosis, it just means your a great mom who has worked so hard and your feeling the pressure of it all.

((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

[Star*]

(knock, Knock) brings a tray of cocoa, marshmallows, two very light mugs, some Pepperidge farm Milano cookies, pretty Christmas napkins and peppermint sticks to stir cocoa with.

Sounds like.......you need some support hon. So let me see if I can really help instead of just handing you a cyber cup of scalding hot chocolate water.

Maybe in my ramblings an idea will be typed that is dooable.....

You hate the holes in your walls......and you can't pay to have them fixed.
What about me teaching you how to fix them yourself? It's not hard, and women are actually VERY good at repairs. There are on line tutorials, me on the phone tutorial, Home Depot or Lowes has classes. If you're like me I am at my best when I'm learning something. If I learn something that few people can do or something that improves my home? It improves my mood. Fist holes or foot holes CAN be repaired without a bunch of expense AND if you have a Habitat for humanity close? They can help with discount materials, Craigs list has a free or WANTED list - you post, then get responses - then pick up the stuff. You'd need - sheetrock, a good razor knife, sheetrock tape, a nail, string, SAND PAPER, and a bucket of goo. a keyhole saw may be a small $4.00 expense - but well worth it.
Now you don't have holes - just off colored grayish patch jobs and those can be painted in the spring....or whenever.

Once you got the holes patched in ONE room that you could call an office you need to change the lock on the door and get a keyed lock. Fix this habitat up for you - girly as you like. THAT is your haven. Now you have a place to work. You could work from home a little more if you have a functioning office.

Get yourself a calendar for your wall and mark in RED anything at all that is an appointment related to difficult child. Keep a smaller calendar with you to show your boss at work and explain THOSE days (in red) will be days you work from home pt. because you have a special needs son.

You can also look into FMLA (family medical leave act) that will help you financially while you are trying to get your son in a better place either physcially or mentally. Also check into something called COBRA....not sure what it's about but something to do with stuff like you are going through I think...not sure.

If you are good at typing - now that your office is set up? Put yourself on Craigslist for hire. Extra $$

HIGHLY recommend finding a local chapter of NAMI, Federation of Families, or some other Pro Parent organization to get support from. You need a friend.....a local friend to help. Check with Big Brothers and get on their list for your son. If he's going to school? Call an IEP meeting and GET HIM A MENTOR TODAY.......someone that will help KEEP him in school.

Maybe like Dude - there is a Salvation Army or Goodwill or thrift store or church pantry or food pantry that he can volunteer at. THIS can keep his mind off of other things and gets HIM in with people networking for a job in his future.

Hugs hon - I know this sounds harder than it is......but you need to just sit, write out positive things and negative things.....and give yourself credit for just being a totally burned out single Mom - dont' think you're BiPolar (BP) but DO get the "I MUST BE SOMETHING" because I've never fallen apart like this.....well honey - YOU ARE WORN OUT. And this ...is what worn out beyond all belief feels like. Start there by saying you DO do enough, and take little steps to improve the things that bother you THE MOST.

Hugs
Hugs
Hugs
Star

 

[klmno]

knock, Knock) brings a tray of cocoa, marshmallows, two very light mugs, some Pepperidge farm Milano cookies, pretty Christmas napkins and peppermint sticks to stir cocoa with

But where's the Bailey's?? (Just kidding!)

Thank you Jen & Star!!

Do you really think difficult child and I could replace sections of sheetrock? If so, we'll try it. These holes are way too big for the netting stuff and spackle. Painting once they're patched is no problem.

As far as the office- that's a great suggestion, unfortunately, that is what I'd already done and difficult child took the hinges off the door to get into the room. He also took door trim off to pry the lock open. He's pretty ingenious when it comes to outsmarting me. If he hadn't stopped this, I would have to get him out of the house or lose my mind. One problem I worry about- he's a true difficult child and just because he hasn't done this kind of damage in a long time doesn't mean it won't come back. It's typically here every spring. I worry about getting repairs done then him causing damage again. But, I will try anyway.

I didn't know about the FMLA helping financially- I thought that was just something that allowed a family member to take time off work- unpaid. i will look into it. medication insurance- my boss is allowing me to pay out of pocket to keep difficult child and myself on the policy. I don't want to go through public assistance because difficult child would have to give up his private providers, and right now, they are the best hope for difficult child turning things around.

We have discussed volunteer work for difficult child. He has to be 14yo in this state but he'll be there in 2 mos. He really wants to do volunteer work and we've already started on a list of possibilities.

Craigslist is a good idea- I'll explore that!

Also, I am a list person anyway- I'll make a list of what I'd like to see done. There are a couple of things on the exterior and I already decided to give difficult child a shot at doing those (cleaning gutters and repairing a gutter and downspout). I think it will help his depressive trend to see some things improve around here, too.

Thank you so much for the support!! I soooo needed to hear it. When we moved in here, I had just sold a house that we'd lived in for 9 years. Because we'd been there so long and I'd made some cosmetic changes, I made a whole lot of money on it. I paid off everything I owed, put money into this house (also a fixer-upper), and put some back to cover some repairs on this house and things for difficult child- braces, help with a future car, etc. All that money is gone due to difficult child's legal and mental health issues. Now, I'm back to owing a huge amount. I am so angry about it- not at difficult child, as I realize that he really can't help some of this and he's done some dumb things to try to cope. But, it is soo disheartening, Know what I mean??

Maybe I am depressed-HA!

 

[Star*]

Well why WOULDN'T YOU be DEPRESSED?

You know I joke a lot about having that invisible plane or my golden lasso, but I'm no Wonder Woman. One stroke cured me of that - I can and will destruct if pushed.

Thinking that you can continually go on and on and on and on and (yeah like that on and on) without cracking OR that you "Should" be able to handle things like you did when he was 4,5,6,7,8, is just not logical. But isn't it funny that you have to actually have someone who's had a stroke tell you that you're headed down the same path. ???? You'd think we'd know these things and just STOP....but nooooooooooooooooo we keep going and doubting ourselves and thinking - Gosh last year those pants fit....gosh last year that bra fit.......gosh last year I could handle all those stressful things, stress, stressy stress stress, stress.....stress....without missing a beat.....and why can't I get into those pants that bra this MENTAL place without stress? Because it full up....yup. Da damn broke and yo' brain full up.

Brain - is smart. heart says _Ohhhhhhhh but you must go. Detaching from some of your childrens problems saves your heart....and thus saves your brain.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.
YOU ARE A GREAT FANTASTIC MOM
YOU WILL FIND A WAY TO OVERCOME THIS

(we shall, we shall overcome......) sing it wit me sista!
WE SHALL WE SHALL OVER COME......

and every now and then - send a kneemail.



oh and YES - YOU TOO CAN SPACKLE and replace.....you'll need a screw gun, drywall screws, a square, pencil and screwgun, drill with phillips attachment head or cordless drill of the same.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

 

[klmno]

Killing me softly with herrrrrrr song....ohhhhhhh LOL! Yes, you are killing me!!!

Ok- so, what do I use to cut out sections of drywall?

 

[Star*]

Keyhole saw - you have to cut them between the 2x4 studs and expose the studs so you know where to screw the sheet rock back to.

How big a section on project #1 are you talking about?

I have a masters in plaster patch!

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Hugs,

I too am a list person. Just do that first. Make your list (check it twice....) then just accomplish one thing on it and you'll feel better. Make sure you put easy things on the list too. The other thing is you could always talk to Salvation Army or another place like that and fine out if they have anyone that needs some work (obviously you need to know some of the background) and see if some swap work can be done. Things you can do really well (and there are lots of those) for someone that can do some of the minor repairs. Just an additional thought for you. Not sure what places there are in your area but you could try churches too. A lot of folks just need things done or can do things and you can barter the work.

hugs
beth

 

[klmno]

The one in the living room, right next to the front door is going to take about 24" wide by 48" high to get all the damaged areas out. (I bought a pretty-patterned, thick rug and hung it up over this area to cover it the day the GAL made her visit. )

A few areas will take about 24"x 36". Somoe little ones can be done with the mess and won't require drywall replacement. (difficult child use to get up during the night and stab the walls with a knife. That was a frightening period, I must say.) And, I have a metal corner trim in the office that needs replacing- but I can figure that one out!

 

[klmno]

That's a good idea Beth!! I don't know what I could do- unless I find a man that can't cook or house clean or do laundry-LOL!! It would be nice if I could find someone to barter this for some chores that difficult child could do for them- like yard work or something. I think it might help difficult child think a little before reacting if he had some sweat in this.

Now that I think about it- I might look into that a bit more. Some of this, difficult child and I can do as Star suggests, but I think I will see if maybe someone can help a little with bigger outside stuff.

 

[Star*]

http://paintingyourhouse.info/sheetrockre1.htm

 

[klmno]

Thank you, Star!!

 

[Star*]

If I were there? I'd come and help - I'm really handy. lol.....snort......both hands.

 

[klmno]

Well, I started to ask if Dude could/would come up for a couple of weeks, but then I remembered he's on probation. (Yes- Dude- to HELP me and to MENTOR my difficult child! )

 

[Jena]

Hi,

I just got in. I'm so glad Mrs. Handy Dandy over there (Star) was able to help you!!! Too cute. That's a great idea, all those she listed.

are you feeling better than earlier?? how was your day today?? I"ll send my little hicky ridden easy child up there in a hot second to help you!! LOL

 

[KTMom91]

Star has given you some great ideas...I've never tried the drywall repair, but I'm great at painting!

 

[Wiped Out]

Just want to send some supportive hugs your way! (I stink at home repairs-we've had holes in walls and doors for years from difficult child!

 

[amazeofgrace]

Shiraz or Zinf>? never mind I will bring both!

 

[klmno]

Thank you everyone! The support here is remarkable and I need an occassional joke to lighten me up, the kick in the rear to get me going, and the experience to help me know which direction to turn. I told difficult child tonight that we will be working on these walls. We have a power screwdriver but need to find or replace the charger cord. I will work on the list. I'm just so scared that if I start in that direction, I'll be disappointed again because he'll flip out or get unstable or otherwise something will happen to ruin it all. I really don't know that I can handle going down another path of diappointment. I'm trying- hopefully the tdocs can help difficult child and me.

 

[totoro]

Will difficult child help you? Maybe you can enlist a Big Brother to help, or someone from Habitat for Humanity to help?
Tell them your story and ask them if they would help you and "teach" your son in the process.
Is there a community college nearby? Some have classes for construction, they sometimes take on projects. You can call the head of the dept.
High School extra credit???
Just throwing out ideas, I have seen some of these thing when i lived in small towns.
I am still waiting to make my therapist apt.