girlfriends and boyfriends

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kjs, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Just wondering. easy child (thought he was easy child, wondering lately) is 24. We have always been close until now. He doesn't return phone calls, I text him, no reply. Doesn't answer email's. When he does come home he is not here long and I really don't see or talk to him much.

    He has had three girlfriends. First one, he started acting strange, telling us if we don't say "please" he won't do anything for us. Such as get us a soda, or cookie if he is there. We had to be careful to always say please or he would yell at us.

    Second girlfriend was more about family. She was from a very tiny town and here going to school. He was with her two years. She would come and talk to us and difficult child even when he wasn't home. easy child seemed so happy with her. She graudated and moved back to her small town. Her family didn't like the "big" city.

    Current girlfriend. Doesn't talk. Hides behind him when they are here. He is gone all the time with her. He stopped talking to us. difficult child made the comment the other day that he doesn't think easy child really likes her because he doesn't act like he did with the last girlfriend.

    Now my question. Do the kids take on the personality of their SO? Will this pass? Is he just needing/wanting to seperate his life from ours? He refuses to discuss difficult child's troubles with me. I was upset with that because difficult child idolizes him. Thought he could maybe get through to him. Guess he just wants to be a brother and not get involved. But with this current girlfriend, he can't seem to find the time to even call difficult child or talk to him at all. That is not like him. So, I have been just telling myself it is because of girlfriend.

    Is it me? Am I just trying to hang on? I miss our talks and the closeness we had.

    girlfriend has a good job here in our town. He lives 3 hours away half the week. He wants to quit his job and go back to school. He went to college and had a very expensive PARTY!!! Now wants to go back and finish.

    Just missing him and wondering if all is normal.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think they do take on the personality of their SO to some degree but also...boys as they grow up tend to be closer to their fathers or another male figure than they are to their mothers. They love their moms and talk to them from time to time but normally its their dads that they have more in common with.

    I know my grown son who lives away from home...the one who is for all intents and purposes married...he calls here several times a week to talk to his dad. I may get talked to twice a month. He may talk to me about the baby for 5 or 10 mins tops. His dad gets detailed fishing and hunting reports several times a week.

    They are buddies.

    Of course, my son also has a weird job where he drives around and has times when he has nothing to do but sit on the phone and talk!

    I dont call my father and do this. (I should...Im a bad
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I tend to agree with Janet. Guys his age tend to gravitate toward other males, especially fathers. Maybe it's the whole trying to figure out their role thing, I dunno.

    I saw it with my brothers. See it with my nephews. Travis even is beginning to do it to a much lesser degree.

    As far as girlfriend's are concerned, sometimes their behavior can change to please the girlfriend, even if it's out of characture.

    sister in law does it too come to think about it. Although he's not at all close to his Mom. But he will drop in to talk to me every once in a great while. The real hanging out is with his stepdad though.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I find it reassuring to hear that males tend to attach to their Dads at this age instead of us. I thought it was just Rob and I was feeling a bit hurt :9-07tears: .

    There is also a tendency for the male to adopt the female's family instead of vice versa. It's the old adage "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife." (or words to that effect)

    Sounds somewhat normal overall, Kjs.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh that is so true Suz!

    Its a good thing that I am not the jealous type because Jamie already calls Billies mother Mom while I am Ma or Mommy depending on the situation. He has us listed on his phone as Mom (Her) and Mommy (Me).

    It really doesnt bother me because Im glad he loves them and they adore him. They think the sun rises and sets on him. Im thrilled he found a family that will welcome him into them that way. Especially since he lives right across the hall from his new MOM! LOL.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    "A daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife." (or words to that effect)

    It is driving me crazy. My pcson and I were very close. He called me at least three times a week even in college and when he was on his own after. Now....I'm lucky if he calls twice a month...I miss him so much some times.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son dumped us after he got married. You're lucky you get SOME recognition. But I consider that his choice, plus he became a wacky religious nut (define that how you like--his religious beliefs are so over-the-top I never met anyone who thinks like them). He is also very close to his in-laws who are chinese, like him. He learned fluent Mandarin (he is brilliant) and eats only Chinese food. I guess we don't matter. We just cared for him from ages six to adulthood.
    But bio. son is still close to me and we talk all the time. Depends on the child. My son has not taken on his wife's pesrona nor is he close to or even attached to her family. Our relationship hasn't changed.
    If my son was still living at home and making demands of me, AT AGE TWENTY-FOUR, he'd find his clothes in the front yard and the locks changed. That wouldn't fly with me in the my own house with an adult child. Nope. No way.
  8. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    This terrifies me for the later years. I have 5 boys and only 1 girl. I don't want my boys to ignore me once they marry. I want to be close to their families. I hope my future DILs are family girls.

    My husband takes on the personality of his SO. With his ex, he was into the clubbing scene, colored his goatee blue temporarily, wore piercings in places they shouldn't be, lol. With me he is much more of a homebody. No more piercings, well, his ears still have holes, but he doesn't wear earrings anymore. No coloring his hair and no clubbing either. I'm perfectly fine with him just the way he is. Hopefully he's not bored out of his mind with me.

    I can certainly see my boys taking on girlfriend personalities, but no GFs yet, so we're safe so far.

    It's strange, because I was just discussing how boys leave when they get married with a friend of mine. She is african/american. She said this doesn't apply to most AA moms. That boys are much closer to their moms in the AA culture than they are in the caucasian culture. She thought I was crazy when I said I worried about my boys finding a wife and not speaking to me regularly. That thought had never crossed her mind with her son.

    What are your thoughts? Do you see it being different for different cultures? I wish I knew what the trick was so I could be sure to instill it in my boys.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I don't know if it is so much taking on the personality of their so, but more that they become so involved in the relationship that they don't have time for everyone else anymore. They grow up, start new relationships and kind of move on. I think it's all normal. I think it just hurts because we feel a little left out.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think it's odd that with each girlfriend he developed a new 'thing' though. I have to say that I have a pet peeve about saying please and thank you, so that one didn't strike me as a negative change. The current girlfriend seems incredibly shy. If she were overbearing, etc., and then he stopped talking to you, then I would say it was more about her than him. But if she's hiding behind him and doesn't talk, then it sounds like she's just more shy than anything and he's trying to maybe make her more comfortable by not talking much either?

    I think Janet is definitely on to something with her personal theory. My brother is only now, as his kids are older, getting involved with our side of the family. Up until recently, it was all about his wife's family! And I know that when my H calls his parents he spends far more time talking with his mother now than he did when he was much younger - it was all about his dad then.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I also wanted to add that my brothers are far closer to my mother now that their kids are all older or grown. Heck, one of my brothers lives right around the corner, literally. lol He sees Mom almost everyday. Good thing too as she needs his help usually.

    Hmmmmm. sister in law's Mom started up a Sunday dinner thing. All the kids come home for sunday dinner at her house. Since she has all boys, this has me thinking that maybe this issue is behind it and she was missing her kids.

    Well, it's worked. She at least gets to see them once a week. :smile:
  12. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I always talked to easy child about that saying.. Made him promise he would still be my son and still visit with me.

    LOL..I think she hides behind him because she is sleeping with him in MY house. (his room is down stairs) And she KNOWS that I KNOW.

    easy child's bio dad never had contact with him. I met husband when he was 3, and married husband when he was 9. Doesn't even talk to him much. But more than me. Only talks to me when he wants/needs something.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's strange because even with my daughters...I always thought that easy child would stick close to home, where ever we were, and that difficult child would move away, as far as she could get. And now I'm finding that's quite the opposite.

    easy child can't wait to travel the world and said all she wants for her birthday and christmas this year is a luggage set for when she graduates college and travels around doing chef gigs! Haha.

    And difficult child asked if we could build her an apt in the basement so she can live with us for at least 10 years. Ooookay.

    My nephew (sister's son) is very close to me - he talks to me all the time. He also talks with his dad all the time. And he talks with me about really important stuff, he values my opinion. He has some issues with his mother and I can respect that, don't say a word against her in front of him at all...but I think maybe it's an age thing. He's 25, slightly immature. My sister tends to put him on edge, on the defense by asking important or thought provoking questions, which I think makes him uncomfortable. Instead of just letting him vent or ramble, she tries to coax him to her way of thinking or sway him somehow; she's very debate-like and he hates that. Not sure if that could be another factor at play between mothers and sons (or if this situation is solely between my sister and nephew). But I was thinking that women have the ability to speak more openly and intimately than young men do or feel comfortable with. Could that be a part of this?
  14. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    My oldest calls me at least once a week (or emails if he's out to sea). I know he calls his wife once a day, but that's ok!

    He also calls me for advice, and I know he doesn't call my ex. He'll ask my husband (his stepdad) for car advice if I can't answer the question, but for financial advice, etc. he asks me.

    I don't make demands on his time when he's here on leave. But I always do get to see him for a little while. I know he's got limited time, and he needs to see his friends, and his wife's family, and his dad's family, too.

    In fact, he's told me he sees more of me because I DON'T make demands. His father does, and he hates that.