Heartbreaking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Khazeray, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. Khazeray

    Khazeray New Member

    As I read people's stories and experiences I can not stop crying. They are also my story and experience.
    I lost my oldest son to a drug overdose/heart failure 2010. He silently suffered his demons before putting himself in the situation that took his life.
    My middle child is heading down the same path. And quite turbulently.
    My ability to understand what he is going through mentally is exhausted. He manipulates me rather successfully even though I consider myself able to say no when needed. (Such as when he wanted me to mortgage the house to get him out of jail.) He manipulates my guilt.
    I feel like detachment is abandonment. Logically I know this is not the case but emotionally.
    There is mental illness on both sides of my boys family. Most of it hidden ( of course ) or ignored as an underlying cause of anti social behavior.
    My son is 4 k miles away.
    I have asked and involved people who also love and care for him. Who have experienced a similar time in their own life's and are either in recovery or aware that my son is now mentally in serious trouble.
    Getting my own panic attacks under control when he gets under my skin ... Just thinking about this is almost more then I can handle. Threatens to push me back into my own anxiety spill.
    This situation is heartbreaking.
    I applaud "us" " all of you here. Trying to find healthy ways of coping.
    Thank you
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Khazeray.

    Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Cedar
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You are no longer alone. We may not have the answers but you will find alot of caring hearts and great listeners here. Hugs DDD
     
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hi Khazeray. How heartbreaking that you lost one son and now must suffer through seeing your middle child doing the same risky behaviors. I can't begin to fathom the pain and fear you must feel.

    I think it is wonderful that you have gotten others involved, who are in recovery and are probably able to have that insight into your son's thinking. My son is living in a halfway house run by a recovering alcoholic and JUST FOR TODAY is doing really well, I think in large part because this man has been through the same types of things himself.

    Have you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Finding the right group was very helpful to me.

    I think you will find some very wise friends here. I know I have.
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for your pain. Being so far away must feel helpless. I'm glad you have people to check on him. You are right to seek out healthy ways to cope. I remember the times when I found it difficult to breath just thinking about my daughter.

    How old is your son? Tell us a little about him. You are not alone.
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Having to watch your other son go down this scary path must send you spinning inside. I send you strength and hugs.

    sent from mobile phone
     
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Welcome Khazeray
    I am so sorry and so sad to read your post. Sending love and hope to you. I hope you feel able to carry on writing and reading on this site and that it will help you find strength and a way to deal with this tragedy in your life. I hope at least that you will not feel alone and that you will sense that we are all here to support you.
     
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Khazeray,

    Welcome to this forum. It has been a lifesaver for husband and me. Please keep posting and sharing. It will help.

    I am very sorry you have been through so, so much.

    SS
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Khazeray. I am so very sorry you are going through this with your son. You've come to a comforting place where others know how you feel. I'm glad you found us. It is devastating to go through this with one son, but to lose a son and then go through it again, would make anyone feel the way you do. I'm glad you have support, that is a very important and valuable asset.

    There is an article at the bottom of my post here which you might find interesting, it explains detachment.

    I believe the way to cope with this kind of trauma is to make sure you put your health and your well being as a top priority. Others have mentioned families anonymous and other 12 step groups, that is a way you can find pretty continual support. You can also contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness, which you can access on line, they have chapters everywhere. They offer excellent courses for US, the parents, to give us support and tools and understanding. If you don't already have a therapist, it may be helpful to find one for yourself. The landscape you find yourself on is very, very challenging and one of the most important solutions to feeling better is to surround yourself with support.

    There is mental illness all through my family as well, so I understand and can empathize with you. Dealing with mental illness is a unique path riddled with very skewered thinking, often substance abuse and also often high levels of intelligence which can lend itself to remarkable abilities for manipulation and deception. Being surrounded by that level of imbalance takes an enormous toll on us, it's exhausting and robs us of our ability to experience joy.

    The most important thing for you to do right now is to take care of YOU. If you are feeling healthier and stronger, you can make better choices. Put your focus on you and what you need.

    We will circle our wagons around you. You are not alone. There are many of us here who are in similar shoes and we can offer you an understanding ear and a safe place to share your heartbreak...........our hearts have been broken too. Hang in there Khazeray. Wishing you comfort. Keep posting it helps.
     
  10. Khazeray

    Khazeray New Member

    Okay, now that I am done crying. Again.
    Thank you all for such tremendous support.
    I keep pushing my feelings under the rug.
    Even during the trauma of my son dying, I shoved them aside.

    I suppose my troubled son would be difficult child, honestly at the moment I want nothing to do with whatever gifts he holds for me.

    difficult child has a high intelligence. He couldn't be scored on some of the tests he took during school. He also has low common sense.
    He graduated high school 2 yrs early.
    He went into college and lasted 3 yrs. I thought he would be okay.
    Problems really took hold after his brother died.
    He displays so many, many of the behaviors I have read here.
    I don't even know where to start anymore.

    A couple of things are heavy on my mind. Other than the pointless "Why"
    I blame myself. If I had only.....
    He won't get help. I try to rationalize this but cannot. Logically... If your sick....

    Heartfelt thank you to all of you here.






    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Repeat after me, I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. There isn't a parent here who didn't blame themselves at one point but it is not your fault. Sometimes the wiring is bad, sometimes they get off track, sometimes mental illness is involved.

    I'm glad you stopped crying. Stay with us, the members here are wonderful.
     
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