He's moving out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by katya02, Apr 28, 2009.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Wow. I'm still assimilating it. I've been away for a couple of months, with family stuff and health stuff all a bit overwhelming ... just catching up now. difficult child has been quite peaceful at home; he's been working but only gets part-time hours, so no benefits and not enough income to move out and fully support himself; he sleeps all day, partly because his three shifts/week are nights, and partly because it's a great way to avoid husband and me. He's been clean and sober and hasn't stolen anything in many months. So, lots of good things, but he's also been spinning his wheels re getting a second job, or another job that has more hours, so that he can move out. He doesn't want to go back to school right now, says he doesn't know what he wants to do. Since we've told him he must take loans for tuition (though we'll help him with living), he doesn't want to invest that much without being sure. That does make sense!

    husband and I had just decided to give him a deadline by which to either register for some sort of skills training program, in which case he could continue to live at home, or to choose to continue working, in which case he would have to find a place and move out by the end of August. We just don't want to see him stay in this pattern endlessly.

    The big change ... a girlfriend! difficult child has become much happier, more pleasant at home, and has talked a lot about finding a place. Then this afternoon he and his girlfriend told me he's going to move in with her. She shares an apartment with her mother! I don't know how that will work out but difficult child wants to do it. He has so many ingrained behavior patterns and attitudes with husband and me - maybe with other people he'll learn the things he needs to learn.

    It's the only situation in which he could possibly afford to move out, and they seem to have discussed most of the practical issues. I think it will be a good thing for him. I'm dreading husband's reaction, though. I think husband has been banking on the idea that difficult child will go back to school in some form. husband has been very stressed lately and NOT being tactful at home, to say the least. I don't want him to see difficult child out the door having said things he'll regret (or should regret) later, but I can't control what comes out of his mouth. Sigh. I've hoped all along that difficult child would be able to move out peacefully, on good terms, and now that can happen ... I really really hope husband doesn't react badly.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katya sounds like difficult child is doing well overall. I understand your worry that the status quo may become too comfortable for him. And it would be easy for it to happen.

    At least it sounds as if difficult child has really thought it thru and discussed it with girlfriend and her Mom. That is something. So hopefully it will be a good step for him.

  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Sounds like this could be a good thing for difficult child. Hope husband gets on board with it.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had wondered where you had been!

    Sounds like difficult child has been in an ok holding pattern but it is time for a change. Spring is here and love is in the air...lol. This could be a good thing for him. Girls have been known to do some major changing to our kids. Lets just hope this is a positive change. I will keep my fingers crossed.
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Katya, it does sound like things are taking a positive turn for your difficult child.
    Hope things go well with his plans to move in with girlfriend. It`s true, the right girl can often work wonders with our difficult child boys.

  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    It's true that difficult child tends to be happy only when he has a girlfriend. It changes him almost completely! So I hope this works, I hope they get along and he does well. He just came over with her tonight and gathered a few things; he plans to come back tomorrow and do his laundry and then take all his clothes. husband actually took the news very well, better than I'd expected, and that was a relief. Thanks for your good wishes everyone, they are much appreciated.

    I'm sitting here feeling very strange ... watching him walk out the door tonight was not the same feeling as dropping him off for college. Sadness, relief, all sorts of feelings. However, I can't get too worked up - he'll be back tomorrow, after all!
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Does he want to move in with the girl...just the two of them...sans girl's mom? Does the mom know?

    Our son, was a easy child, then a difficult child last year of high school. We got him help. Then he started college. He did okay. However, he then met super easy child girl. Guess what? He became super easy child boy. At first, they lived separately. Then they lived together. It worked out very well. I helped here and there. Of course...we are talking two easy child's here.

    As a matter of fact, he just graduated from college this week.... honor roll...laude, etc. I'm FREAKING HERE. The two of them are engaged...long story. It's a big positive...and although perhaps there are differences here...I can tell you...the girl brought lots of good things.

    We've made some changes with our daughter in recent days too...might post about that perhaps next week.

    Anyway...wishing you and your son well. I sense this might turn out to be a positive. Word of advice...stay on her good side if at all possible.

    Fingers crossed.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad he is taking steps to move forward with his life, and that he has been stable for quite a while.

    As for how your husband reacts, you may need to do what my mother does. She has told us all, in no uncertain terms, that my father's reactions to things are NOT hers, and unless she ALSO tells us the same thing, we are to NOT assume she feels the way he does.

    This came about as I gradually got older and told her things I didn't do or turned down because things my father said (like getting in to a SUPERB college and having my Gma offer to pay for all of it - and then not telling anyone and going to a different school because my dad's reaction was so overt he top negative). My bro has things also along this line.

    So if your husband says something bad, just assure your son YOU feel differently and wish him well and are happy to provide advice, etc... as YOU are comfortable. It is often helpful for kids to learn that parents are not a unit - they are a team of different people with different ideas. And sometimes they work better independently. Esp if one parent is being dysfunctional.