How do I deal with an ungreatful, moody adult daughter?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by fedup2, Jul 11, 2014.

  1. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    My daughter is very moody and ungreatful. My husband and I have driven 8 hours to come to her home and help her and her husband prepare the nursery for their first baby. We worked hard to help her as her husband has long hours of work. She has always been moody and makes us feel unwelcome in her home - the tension she exudes could be "cut with a knife". She constantly "cuts me down" with anything and everything I say or do. She is our only child and I've always supported her and "had her back". I just don't understand! Actually it has been so bad this trip that I don't think my husband will want to come back :( and the baby is due next month. She's 23 and has always been mature for her age. She makes me feel as tho I'm the worst person/mother ever. Any advice would be appreciated!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know what I'd do.

    I wouldn't go. She doesn't sound mature. She sounds like a spoiled brat and how dare her be rude to the person who loves her the most. I'd definitely keep a distance from her. You can't change her, but you can hang around with those loved ones who treat you kindly. If that ever happened with any of my grown kids, I'd never go back again. If they wanted to see me, they could come visit, and follow my house rules, which include NO DISRESPECT.

    Let them deal with the baby. Without help.

    Question: Is your husband her father? If not, does she play nice Daddy, bad mommy? Just asked because it's common....and mean.

    I can't blame your husband if he won't go back.
     
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  3. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

     
  4. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, my husband is her father. You're right, she is a spoiled brat and I'm to blame for that. I just love her so much and want to be a part of her life, but I can't make her want us and respect us. I was so looking forward to having a great adult relationship with her and I'm so excited for my first grandson. I suppose I will head home as planned and just lay low. She is very mature in all other aspects - I think/thought. I'm sitting out on her porch waiting until I'm sleepy enough to go pass out and avoid her. Makes me so sad.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think she will come around. Believe me, when she has that child, and as that child gets older into those terrible two's, she will really begin to understand what being a mother is all about.

    I went to help my daughter in law (middle son's wife) when they had their first baby. I am physically disabled and I did my very best to do all I could for them. She was breast feeding the baby and she had had a c- section so she was sleeping on the couch and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. They only had a small one bedroom and my son was still a Marine and was working very long hours. They didnt get any vacation for having a baby in the military.

    I stayed for 2 weeks. All I heard when I got home was about what I didnt do. The last day evidently I forgot to empty the trash can. I dont know if I did or not. I didnt scrub the kitchen top to bottom. Hello, I can barely clean anything at all.

    Now it wasnt my son who told me this but the word got back to me anyway...well I think he told me that she complained and her brother complained. Oh I was mad. I swore then I wouldnt do a darned thing for her again. I havent done much. After all these years things have gotten some better and she has come to realize that I am who I am. The fall of 08 was a really horrible time in our family. They got together in late 05 I think. In the fall of 08, I almost died of meningitis and her mother did die while I was still in the hospital. I know now she wouldnt say the same things. She has two kids now and knows things arent as simple as she thought before she had kids.
     
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What caught me in your title is "adult". I get that she's pregnant and that there may be mood swings. on the other hand, since being ungrateful is a continuous thing I would stop doing for her. You say that she makes you feel unwanted. Wait until she wants you. She is no longer a child, so treat her like an adult. I would tell her so in kind words. "It's so strange to think of you as a mother, it seems like only yesterday you were my baby but you're all grown up. I've never been a parent to an adult before, so I'm going to have to get used to my new role in your life. I'll do my best and hope that you will understand if sometimes I am not the best at letting us both be adults."

    Give her nothing and none of your time unless and until she asks for it. When and if she does explain to her that you know that her home (or her child or her husband) is her own and you don't want to but in or make her feel uncomfortable by putting your stamp on anything. Would advice rather than action do? She doesn't have to take your advice, and you know that she will make a decision after she has taken all possibilities into consideration. If she demands your presence and your physical labor, I'd have to tell her "no". If she demands a reason, you should be able to tell her that she seemed unappreciative the last time and you don't want to set anything up for failure. Remind her that she is an adult and that you are happy to help if she can treat you as an adult rather than mom who always does anything I tell her to do.
     
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  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    We're all only human. I tell my own adult kids this when they start in on me, and they do. I only did the best I can, looking back I would do things differently. I tell them I am sorry I wasn't the best, I tried and I think they understand that. Nobody is perfect and they aren't either. How many people in the world love them like I do ? Maybe 4? If they don't treat me with respect I bow out of whatever it is. They can't (...) on you and think it's fine. Your daughter will see this and come around, just don't allow yourself to be treated like this, leave!
     
  8. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    Thanks everyone for such great advice!

    Well, I'd finally had enough this morning after she smarted off to her dad. I blew up, told her I was sick and tired of walking on eggshells trying not to upset her and to please her - I'm damn tired of the eye roll and my not saying or doing anything to her standards. So, we packed our stuff and left 2 days early. I had volunteered to bring food to a shower her friends are throwing her tomorrow - she was in her room when I left so I wrote her a note and told her to get the stuff herself as I'm sure I wouldn't get the right stuff anyway and to send me the bill. I also told her that hopefully one day she would appreciate her parents. I hate bugging out on the shower but I threw her one in our hometown already and I figure this way she'll see I'm serious.

    I am disabled as well and always push myself for her but I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure how or if this will resolve before the baby comes (she had gotten made at me a couple times in the last several years and not spoken to me for months) but I am sure that I won't be staying in her home - it's a hotel for us. Sad thing is that my mother always calls me when I visit her cuz she worries about how my daughter will treat me.

    Oh well we'll see.


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  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have started staying in a motel sometimes when I visit my son and his family myself at least for part of the visit. One reason is the sleeping arrangements arent very comfortable for me but also I simply get tired out in a houseful of people and little kids. I have 4 grandchildren now and heaven help me when they are here at once...lol. I hide!

    If I have a motel room to go back to I can relax at night and be more present when I am with them. My son isnt extremely happy about me doing this but oh well. I try doing one night at his house and the other night or nights at the motel.
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    A motel room for next time sounds like a good idea. Be sure to get one that has a hot tub to soak in.
     
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  11. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    Yep and ocean front with a great pool - may as well make the best of it. That will be the best for all of us - sister in law isn't always the friendliest person as well. Thanks guys! I feel like I've made new friends!


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  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hot tub, ocean front, even room service!

    I will tell you a funny joke. My old therapist new me well enough that she knew I would go stark raving mad if anyone ever tried to put me in a psychiatric unit so she told me that if I ever got to the point I felt I might need inpatient care to just go check into a nice hotel with all the good stuff. A few days there by myself with a good book and my computer and I would be good as new! Im sure she was right. My issues all revolved around stress at home.
     
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  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Good for you!
    If your best friend told you the story you just told us, what would your advice be?
    Would you ever advise anyone you love to stick around an adult who speaks badly about you, takes advantage of you and is ungrateful...repeatedly?!?!

    don't add fuel to the fire by getting into a heated discussion with your adult daughter , esp right now. But I think it's fine to tell her you don't like it when you feel unappreciated, etc. The hotel idea sounds great! Sure, extra money, but worth it for the peace.and you will want to see your grandchild later, etc.
     
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  14. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    If my best friend told me this story, first, I would be furious! I would advise her to step back for awhile. I would never advise someone to stick around and take that crap. Also, I would probably contact her daughter and tell her the effect she has had on her mother and I don't like it - consequences be dammed! Knowing how broken my heart is, I couldn't stand by and watch it happen to someone I love..

    I think I will give it some time and call or send her an email to let her know how I feel (briefly and nicely) then also let her know that we still plan to come see the baby when he is born but will stay in a hotel. I was supposed to be in the delivery room with them, but I guess that's out now. :(
     
  15. fedup2

    fedup2 New Member

    That's my kind of therapist! Thanks for making me smile!
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    FedUp, when I visit my daughter, whom I get along with GREAT, I still often stay in a nearby, cheap hotel (no hot tub...lol...can't afford it). I do this to let them have their space from me and for me to have some space too. As much as I love her, adults, even loved ones, can get on one another's nerves if they live together, even for short stints.

    I think you have a plan!!!!

    Janet, not all kids go through the terrible twos. None of my kids did, not even 36, with the exception of Sonic and his autism. He sort of went through the terrible 2's, 3s, 4s, etc...lolol. I still did it myself. I know I'm really literal so forgive me for bringing this up...lol. Fact is, all my kids were easy toddlers. 36 was mean to other kids, but he was fine at home, no tantrums or anything. The other ones were pretty even tempered all the way through until those hormonal teens!!! YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Fedup, I would strongly advise against sending an email or anything that reiterates that you were hurt. She knows. It would only serve to lengthen the disagreement. It's better to move forward, because you can't change what already happened. And putting hurt feelings in writing is always a bad idea because they don't dissipate the moment you say them, they stay in writing forever.

    I don't see anything wrong with letting things settle, and when the subject of your coming to see the baby arises be the adult in the room (because you are, and because her hormones are out of whack) and tell her that you're excited to see the baby and you don't want to be underfoot. You know that it was stressful for everyone this last time (right or wrong, she was stressed) and you'd like to make arrangements to stay nearby in a hotel while visiting so that you can be there when she needs you and they can settle in to being a family.

    I have to be honest and say that in my family (a really carp family) mom never went to set up baby's room or stay with anyone when we had babies. She was always viewed as the sweet grandmother (ha!) who baked cookies, but she really didn't want to help with our children unless she could interfere from afar, IYKWIM. I don't think that most mothers stay with their daughters when they have babies. Very few of my friend's mothers did.
     
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  18. Ejr

    Ejr New Member

    What if your daughter is exactly what you describe above but your husband in front of your grown children supports their actions? My older daughter has been very deficult always. When she was younger my husband just ignored her because she was more difficult and let me deal with her. While he created and bonded with our younger daughter who was much easier and very sweet. But as the girls got older he just decided never to say anything to them even if it was something like don't talk to your mother like that. Or that is not how you talk and act toward your mom. He is just the fun guy. Who makes all the jokes and he is the one who hangs with them and tells stories of his past and makes his mistakes now a funny thing. I feel he has already sabotaged my relationship with my older daughter. And I can't even say anything or try to talk to him because he turns it around with hostile words that it's my fault. I'm so desperate.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may want to make your own post, Ejr. This one is very old and people may not see yours. Start a new thread, and welcome to the board.
     
  20. Ejr

    Ejr New Member

    Ok thank you.
     
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