How many of you have had to rearrange your life ..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, May 15, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    to be able to cope with your difficult child and what he\she is doing?

    I personally have come very close to divorce. I have totally changed my goals in my career. I went from full blast growth to accepting no new customers and weeding through and only keeping the best customers. This went against everything I have ever tried to accomplish and was very hard to swallow.

    I let my help go and I am currently working alone and plan to keep it that way. I am the major breadwinner of the home, this has been an adjustment.

    I could not handle any stress any longer. All these years of raw nerves, I had to make a change.

    My difficult child has taught me better than anything else in life to find fullfillment in the small things, let things go that you can't control and I have had to let that overlap into other areas of my life.

    I am glad to say that since I have made these changes, it is easier for me to walk in my shoes. I have seen my husband in a different light as well. We are now closer than we have been in a long time. Now that the wall surrounding me has been knocked down I see that it was me causing the conflict, I didn't even realize how huge a wall I had built until it started coming down.


    I just wondered how many of you have found yourself in this same place? Where something has to change or you think you may not make it?

    I have turned a back-flip in my career and instead of feeling insecure and scared of the future, I am at peace
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What you have, is acceptance.

    Acceptance of life on life's terms. And you creatively adapted. I had to do that a few times with difficult child 1, and am in the midst of an overhaul again with difficult child 2. Change is very hard to do, as humans are by and large creatures of comfort. Once we get into a groove, we don't want it to change (so can you imagine how traumatic change must be for our difficult children, especially those with autism?)

    If you can learn to embrace change, even if you are not fond of it, you can find peace within it. Seems as though you have done just that.

    Indeed, my difficult children have taught me more about life, love, and acceptance than any shrink or self-help book ever could.
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HH...

    Since this latest scare with husband's health I have come to the realization that I cannot still deal with all the stress that comes with having Cory front and center in my life anymore.

    Cory will always be my child and I will always love him but he has got to deal with his problems and his life without any input from me anymore. I am completely detaching now. I dont even want to hear about it anymore. Or maybe more to the point, when I do hear about his escapades its like hearing about a train wreck on the news. Horrifying but it really doesnt effect me personally.

    I am putting me and husband first, then the other two boys. Cory comes a distant 5th.
     
  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I have to believe that parenting causes us to see the world differently. I find it hard to believe that anyone can remain the same once they have a child. Our goals change because raising a child easy child or difficult child requires it.
    difficult child strained and stressed me. I was humbled. Once you let go of the arrogance that you can control everything and be everything you become accepting. Doesn't make life easier but it makes dealing with it easier.
    Being at peace is a good thing. I'm glad you are doing better. We talk about putting the mirror up to ourselves when in turmoil to see what we do to contribute to the problem. Sounds like you did that and you saw things about your self that needed change. Very impressive. I always figured fixing what I was doing wrong was a way to keep communication open and improve our home.
    It's so hard to admit that we aren't always right. Saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" was one of the best lessons I learned early on in my marriage. It was very freeing.

    Anyhow, glad to hear you are doing better.
     
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    My son like so many of our kids HAS changed the way we do things. husband and I are very close, we still are independent people but we love each other very much. We both treasure this relationship (we are not mushy people either). Humor and sarcasm are the only emotions we have - lol!

    We still want to include difficult child in our family so we make an attempt to contact him when something is going on. If he comes fine, if not, fine.

    I was thinking of this very subject on my way to work yesterday and realize that as long as my son is alive, there is a chance for change. It doesn't mean that it will happen, it just means there is a chance.
     
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Hearthope, I am so happy for you. You have really come such a long way. This is definatley acceptance of something you can't change and realizing the only person you could change was yourself. I'm glad you have put husband first and learned things about yourself that I'm sure were not easy to face.

    You really have detatched!!
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I have a screen saver on my computer that says
    LIVE NOW
    to remind me to live now before the next trauma happens.

    of course my life path is totally diff than the leave it to beaver one I had in mind.
     
  8. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I was humbled. </div></div>

    That is how I perceive what happened to me, too. Humbled beyond feeling good about much of anything I had done. Shamed, then. And that is true. I felt I had been smug, had missed something important or done something so wrong that difficult child had no other option than to behave as he did. I felt it was my responsibility to search it out, whatever it was, and correct it at whatever cost to myself or my marriage.

    Acceptance has been almost impossible for me. I had to recreate almost every facet of self until I could come back to the mother in me and accept that what happened never went away and never got better and it is what it is.

    Throughout that whole battle, I was depressed. I was not only desperate to find the answer, but fixated on finding that key, that perect solution to how to change difficult child back.

    But now, just lately, I am beginning to get it that difficult child is not the victim of poor parenting or circumstance. He is choosing this lifestyle again and again. When it gets him in trouble, he calls for money or comes home.

    But he still wants to do what he does. When he has come home, the cynicsm and sense of entitlement are frightening, unbelieveable things to see and accept.

    This is such a simple step for so many of us. Those who are able to tell themselves the truth from the beginning do better with it, I think.

    Now that I am telling myself the truth ~ that difficult child is capable of making a choice and is doing just that ~ I am feeling much better than I have in a long time.

    So I am happy for your sake, hearthope. I smiled when I read that you and husband are coming back together.

    That is wonderful.

    Barbara
     
  9. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Yes! Having a difficult child has definitely affected my life outside the home. I am in the process of looking for a new job. Part of me is scared I won't be able to handle a new job when difficult child is going thru one of her meltdowns. But I am moving forward, nevertheless. I'm tired of giving a 20-year-old so much control over MY life.
     
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Changes in life I have handled. That is really all life is.

    I got to the point of walking away from it all, that is the kind of changes I am speaking of. Each day getting closer and closer to the edge and realizing the entire time that you really can't handle what is happening and grabbing at anything you can to stop difficult child from acting like he is.

    The whole time I was saying he just has to hit rock botom and he will understand how he is ruining his life. In fact it was I that hit rock bottom and could no longer handle any aspect of my life.

    I was ready to divorce my husband. I could not tolerate being in the same room with him. I could hardly keep it together at work, I was either mad or sad. If I ever had a good day, I would get some phonecall that would change it back to mad or sad. I felt almost as if I had anxiety attacks at home and work. The only place I could get and be okay somewhat was closed in my room in the bed with no noise.

    My easy child is the only thing that stopped my actions. She deserved better.


    When I finally got to the point, like Janet said, that I knew there was nothing else I could do ~ I found peace. I had searched for it everywhere, but it was in me all along.


    I had to see that my son had been given every opportunity to change. I had to see that he was slowly killing me. I had to accept that,like you said Barbara, he was raised better and I knew it.

    He is the only person on this earth that can change him. Nothing I or anyone else does or says will make a difference, it has all been tryed before and he has refused to change.

    He is satisfied with his life and in his eyes is living it to the fullest, in time he will maybe remember hopes and dreams he had for the future. Hopefully he will remember his childhood and how he was raised and see what true happiness comes from.

    That is all I can do. Kinda like my name HeartHope ~ I will keep hope in my heart that he will come around, but I will go own with my life...

    husband deserves better than what he has gotten from me and easy child needs me now more than ever. And I am in there too. I put me on the back burner a long time ago.

    I wish you all the peace that comes with acceptance, I finally accept that I am powerless against the evils that have engulfed my son.

    The choices are his, not my own
     
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

  12. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Well said.
     
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You guys just totally made me feel great! I quit the job I had lined up for the summer. So, I won't have a paycheck for three months, I will enjoy every freakin second! on the other hand, I could use the money, and had guilt- major guilt-over why did I do that? But no, I'll eat pb&j all summer and not have $, but I'll have freedom from the daily regimine of work, cook, clean, get teady for work. Can't wait...wahoooo.-Alyssa (Janet is your husband ok?????)
     
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am still working hard on taking care of ME. Just when I think I have it, one of my difficult children will throw me another curve ball (Youngest gettig pregnant for instance). I remind myself of the slogan "progress, not perfection." I am definitely making progress. So are my difficult children. I try to embrace even the small steps.

    Acceptance in my own life has been mostly regarding relationships with men. I have been unable to maintain a successful relationship and I used to hold a lot of resentment about that. Some of it is about me and my own choices (which I take full responsibility for), and some of it is simply "the way it is" when you have a difficult child (x 2, in my case). Who wants to be part of this crazy life? I know I don't! As much as I'd like to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with a man, I've come to accept that for now, being single really is easier, and less of a hassle. If one comes along, fine, but I'm pickier than I used to be, and am thoroughly enjoying friendships with men and women alike, and getting plenty of joy from those friendships. And that's ok!
     
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