How to help suicidal son who's 2 states away

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WaveringFaith, Sep 17, 2014.

  1. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Hello friends. I am having a very difficult time coping tonight. My 21 yr old difficult child son recently moved 2 states away to the state we used to live in, and where he went to high school. This was supposed to be the move that would finally improve things for him. He tried living with me, then my parents, burned that bridge, moved back with me. Fast forward 2 years of therapists, never a clear diagnosis since he would not share anything with doctors, but he deteriorated into a paranoid zombie in my home and I finally realized I was enabling him, since he wouldn't get a job, constantly said life wasn't worth living, etc..

    It was a living nightmare, I have other posts I have written about the journey. I finally had to tell him to leave. He lived on the streets a short time, then that is when he decided to move back to be with his good friends whom he hasn't seen in years. He seemed hopeful, as did I. I remember giving him a huge hug at the bus station where I dropped him off, wondering if/when I'd see him again. I visualized him driving away with God hovering overhead.

    That was 2 months ago. I have rarely heard from him. He never responds to texts, doesn't even reply to my mom's emails or texts either. However, since I am still paying his cell phone bill and can see his activity, have found some strange comfort in at least seeing he is still alive. It is so unhealthy and obsessive, but I check it each day to make sure there is still signs of life. The few times he had replied back to my text, he only sounded worse and worse, saying hes still not in his right mind. He is staying with a kind family that I remember when we lived there. They loved him growing up, as their son was my son's best friend.

    So the past couple of months, I have struggled with detaching from him, reading all the advice on this board, and praying that God will watch over him and guide him. Perhaps I lied to myself each morning, saying he was okay, so that I could function each day. Sadly, my parents and I don't have much to talk about, since we used to talk daily only about my difficult child's issues and problems and what to do next, and giving each other full reports when he was either here or at their house. Since difficult child moved away, it's like we don't have anything else to talk about anymore. That's another sad thing, but not what's worrying me now.

    I received an email from my mom asking if I'd heard from difficult child and how frantic she is on a daily basis (she worries more than I do, if that's humanly possible), so her email got me all upset thinking about him all over again. I even told myself I could not allow myself to cry because I have a big meeting at work tomorrow and I need to be at my best. So I told her I hadn't heard from him but I would try texting again, which I did. I wish I had not because he replied and realized my worst fears. I asked him if he was still living with the friend's family and he said "not much longer" and then he started calling himself a schizophrenic and how schizos cannot hold jobs or have normal relationships. I asked him where he would be living then, and he said he would go into the woods and went on to say there's no turning back from all the relationships he has ruined and he has become more dissociative. he was speaking intelligently about how he feels he is schizo, and I believe he has some of that, paranoia, unable to be around people the past 2 years. I was getting more and more upset and felt the tears coming but tried to keep it together because I can't miss work tomorrow. So then he asked me to stop paying his cell phone bill, he said "the sooner the better". He said he wants no contact with the world.

    Finally, I had to ask him "Are you having thoughts of harming yourself" and he said "I'm having thoughts of leaving this *ucked up place, yes". And went on to say he can't wait to spit in God's face. I was horrified, as I am a very religious person and he always was also, reading the bible, etc...

    I could feel the sense of failure in his words in the text message. He has talked like this before when he lived with me. Every day when I would come home from work, I never knew what I would find waiting for me. It was daily torture. But now it's even worse, he's so far away. Well, I don't know which is worse. When I told him that if he was feeling that desperate, I would have to bring him home or get him help immediately. Then he said "good luck". He's so angry, perhaps because I kicked him out, or it's the mental illness. I don't know what to do.

    I ended up crying my eyes out, so now they will be so red and puffy in the morning, but I've had to deal with the looks at work before. My main concern is my son and not knowing how to handle this. I don't even have the address of where he is. Part of me thinks he could just be so angry and saying those things to hurt me, as he obviously holds resentment towards me, although he has said he does not. But I know how he was when he was here, he clearly has something very wrong with him, mentally or psychologically. He used to tell me he thought he was a psychopath, and to an extent I believed him because he was manipulative and lazy, but also genuinely something mentally wrong with him. He used to be a easy child until the last year of high school, then I don't know what the hell happened. He said he experimented with mushrooms and other mind altering drugs, and I have to come to think they did damage to his still developing brain. He has never been the same since. Only gotten worse and now hates people, God and wants to live in the woods.

    It's just the suicidal threats that are making me go insane with worry. Even though I should be used to worrying about that since I dealt with it daily when he lived with me. What a fool I have been the past couple of months, pretending he was in a better place with his good friends and just needed his independence. I was so very hopeful, as were my parents. And only to find out it is the same situation, just a different house. I feel he is in a very desperate state, as he always felt going back "home" to his friends, his roots would be the solution to his darkness. He always said that if he couldn't make it back there, then he couldn't make it anywhere. So I'm sure he is feeling like a complete failure now. With no where else to go. And feels he has ruined everything with everyone else, including his family, which I have told him he hasn't, that we love him and will help him in any way, but he needs to WANT the help.

    Sorry for rambling or sounding repetitive, I'm getting over the flu and thought I would be sleeping by now to prepare for my big day at work, but now I cannot sleep worrying and praying and just feeling so desperate. How much pain are we supposed to endure?!

    Thank you for listening.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I just woke up, but wanted you to know somebody heard you.

    It sounds to me like your son is abusing drugs. It is not something our adult kids share with us unless caught. My own daughter fooled me into thinking it was "just pot" and it was so much more. Your son is behaving like a drug user/addict. You can not help a drug addict, or anyone, really, unless they want to be helped. It sounds like YOU are suffering a lot because of his behavior. Have you thought about taking care of yourself?

    There is nothing you can do to change your son either if he lived with you or now that he is far away. When my son threatens suicide, I call 911. He is still alive and does not tell me he is going to kill himself anymore. In my son's case it is probably purely manipulation most of the time, but there are times I think he was serious. And, even then, all I could do is call 911. This is a fear we all have, but, in over a decade on this forum, I can't recall any difficult child actually doing it.

    Most of us on this forum have pretty much committed to living a good life in spite of the choices our grown children make, as we have learned that our suffering does not change them and that we have no control over them. When they want to change, that is when they change. But we can change our reactions to their behaviors and we can seek help for ourselves to learn how to cope.

    I hope you get lots of good advice here. I need my coffee. But I am sending hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
     
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wavering, I wish I could just give you a big hug right now and let you rest a minute.

    I hope you are at work and at your meeting. First things first.

    Then, Wavering, you can't fix this. You can't make him okay, no matter where he is and what he is doing right now. Lean in to that truth for a minute or two. Let it sink in. Breathe deeply while you do it.

    But you can do a few things. You can call the police and tell them he's suicidal and send them to that address to transport him to the hospital. There, the professionals can evaluate him and see what they might be able to do. That is what I would do if I were in your shoes today.

    Every single time my son threatens suicide, I take some kind of action. I either call the police or I go there. The last time I went directly to where he was and I got in his face. In his case, I believe (what do I know, but here is what I believe, today) that he threatens this to get what he wants. But I never take it for granted.

    I wish I knew the answer to this. Living with what most of us are living with on this board is almost, almost impossible.

    Remember this: we have each other and we KNOW. We have been in your shoes. We get it. We are not different from each other. We are survivors, just like our kids are. Somehow, they keep on surviving in spite of it all.

    Last night, you were at the end of your rope. I hope and pray you were able to get some sleep and go to work. That is the next right thing in front of you.

    There is no magic action or just the right combination of words that you can come up with to make your son okay. That is the bald and sad and bare truth of it. I wish there were.

    Warm, tight hugs for your heart and your soul. We are here for you.

    Please let us know how you are.
     
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately there is little one can do for an adult with mental health issues, if they do not want help. There I live if one is danger to themselves or others or if they are psychotic they can be taken into involuntary treatment. For loved ones of mentally ill those are frustrating boundaries, because often in serious mental illnesses, things get worse and worse and get really bad before that threshold is fulfilled. And for many it happens many times. First they are taken into treatment, medications help them, things start to look better and then something happens (can be something so simple as a flu or few bad nights) and medications are not working that well any more and the symptoms come back. And because denying their illness tends to be one symptom, that can lead to person stop taking their medications and then things getting worse and worse again. And loved ones can just watch and wait till the situation is again so bad, that they can be involuntarily committed. And when they get better, they have to start over again. I know a family through Church, who are currently living that nightmare with their soon to be 30 year-old son, who is schizophrenic. When his medications are in balance, he is quite functional, works on his master thesis and does some related freelance work. But simple stomach bug can start a spiral down and when the illness takes over, there is no reasoning with him even though when his medications are in balance, he is very proactive and responsible with his treatment.

    Unfortunately your son age and how you tell he deteriorated is very typical for some mental illnesses. He would for example be in prime age for onset of schizophrenia. Onset of bipolar tends to be little later but depression, even severe one with psychotic features can happen at any age.

    My own son deteriorated about same age, but his issues are PTSD related due one very traumatic, violent incident and partly because of severe bullying years before that, and he had neurological type issues from babyhood on. He isn't psychotic, but his dissociative symptoms are very scary at times and in fact if one wouldn't know, one would certainly consider them psychotic. Though his reality checking does work and he does know that his dissociative hallucinations and delusions are not real even though they feel so very real. He is also high-functioning and has been open to treatment that has helped him to keep his nose above the water. Barely at times, but still. He did have a kind of suicide attempt early this year, but luckily decided he wanted to live after all. Still I of course do worry.

    Not getting involved with his drama is certainly one option you have, but if you feel up to it, it could be beneficial to search some resources there he is that could help him and tell him about them. He may not act on those, but honestly finding and navigating resources that actually are available can be too difficult task for people who are messed up enough to need those services. So taking a task about finding out what services would be available and how he could reach them could give him a chance to reach out. You can't make him take care of himself or reach for help, but maybe you would feel better with yourself, if you would do what you can to make it bit easier for him?
     
  5. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Thank you all so much for your loving words and for the support and advice. I always feel better after I hear I am not alone. My text conversation with difficult child continued until late in the night and I finally had to tell him I needed to get to bed, when he continued on with his words of hopelessness. I offered to help in any way, even telling him to move back here and we can find somewhere for him to live, if he doesn't want to stay with me or my parents again. He replied "No thanks". And so I left it at that.

    COM- I had the same concerns and thoughts to call the police, but I honestly have no idea of the address where he is staying and it is in the big city. I only know what he has told me, that he is staying with this family. I couldn't even tell you what part of town. Horrible isn't it? I kept on and kept on for contact numbers and addresses when he first moved out there, but he never provided to me. This is where all the frustration began, as I would never hear from him. So upsetting not to have any clue how or where your child is. But as with my daily obsessive and unhealthy morning ritual, I have logged on to his cell phone account and see he has been on his phone as of one hour ago. So he is alive, and for at least a few more hours, I can have slight peace in knowing that.

    MWM- You are so correct in the possibility that he might be abusing drugs of some kind. I truly have no way of knowing yay or nay. He was not using the 2 years he was in my home (again, only to my knowledge). I only witnessed a very depressed and almost catatonic difficult child in his room playing video games all day and night.

    SuZir- I realize I am helpless in doing any more for him. But I always have that nagging feeling that there is still something I could do, even from miles and miles away? I have no phone numbers or contact information for anyone he is with over there, which was obviously by difficult child's choice not to provide since my parents and I both asked repeatedly for. Last night I again offered my love and support and my assistance in finding help for him, to which he simply replied "no thanks". He claims to be schizophrenic, no therapist he met with ever diagnosed him with this, but difficult child does a lot of research on mental health websites, always trying to find out "what the eff is wrong with me" as he would say. The only diagnosis we ever got was depression. He refused any medication of any kind, refuses to ever go to another doctor or clinic again. He has no job since he said last night "schizophrenics can't hold down jobs, nor can they have relationships with other people". So I am left not even knowing how to reply to all that. Part of me wanted to help him, as much as one can help via a text conversation. But part of me was feeling so tortured by all his words and picturing him in such despair with all possible bridges burned.

    So I finally had to just cut the conversation off. Unfortunately I ended up crying by eyes out and coupled with me battling the flu this week, I had to call in sick. Which was awful because I had to make phone calls to fellow coworkers to please help me and do the work I had to get done today. This is really affecting my career now. I really wanted to feel normal waking up so I could march in there and do the job they pay me to do (I'm an admin assist for a VP) and so my VP counts on me big time with his scheduling and so many other things. I know he was not pleased that I was not in. Anyway, bottom line.. difficult child is alive, I am barely hanging on emotionally, but feel like we bought another day since I see he's using his phone, but never knowing what tomorrow will bring, and now knowing his plans to leave his friend's house and go "into the woods", the anxiety and pain is overwhelming. He used to tell me he thought he was a psychopath and in a very sad and dysfunctional way I hoped it was true, because I read that psychopaths think so highly of themselves, that they would never really harm themselves. I didn't even care that he probably hated and manipulated me, just knowing he wouldn't harm himself was enough for me to smile. But now this.

    I thank you for all of your support, I know I need to accept and detach - as I have known that was always the solution if I were to ever find any peace in my heart. I had to email my mom and break the sad news to her and confirm he really has gotten worse (or not better at all), so I am not looking forward to her response because she overdramatizes everything and makes me worry worse and cry more. So many lives affected and destroyed by mental illness.

    I have always said I would try a local support group as suggested on this board, but never found the time or I was just plum exhausted from work and caring for my easy child, but I think, for my own sanity and well being, I need to seek one out and start attending. It's just too much to bear. I am so alone, my parents have finally begun to enjoy their retirement (they both retired a few months ago while difficult child was living with them, so they absolutely could not enjoy retirement while he was there), they are finally able to travel and enjoy each other, so I hate to burden them with these things, but as you can see, my mom still constantly worries over him. I was seeing a lovely man off and on for the past 3 years, but had to let him go because of my emotional issues with difficult child. This man has re-entered my life when difficult child moved away and we were starting to finally have a nice connection again (this was while I was pretending in my mind that difficult child was somehow improving out of state with his friends), but now that I know he's still bad off, I have begun to push the lovely man in my life away again. I just can't talk to him about it. So alone. But I have you fellow mommy warriors, so I really am not alone.

    Thank you all again.
     
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    WF, today just try to take care of yourself. If you can, don't text or communicate with difficult child. You can't do a thing right now about him or to help him. You must take care of yourself.

    When you are feeling better, if this is even a possibility, try to get an address for him by contacting other people you know in that town. If you can't, then you will have to work to let that go.

    You must have some time, space and distance for yourself. You need help to regain your life. You deserve and need to have a life, a job, a relationship.

    We can't save other people. We just can't. As much as we want to. It is just not possible.

    Warm hugs. Rest, take care of you, at least just for today.

    Then, start putting one foot in front of the other. Get to Al-Anon. Keep going, even if it doesn't make any sense at first.

    You have another child to take care of. Do it for him if you can't do it for yourself.
     
  7. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    You are so right COM. I will work on this today. But maybe after the flash flood warning in my neighborhood is canceled lol. Raining cats and dogs! In a way, it's comforting. The power went out earlier and I was just sitting here in the dark with my little dog in my lap, and all we could do was sit and listen to the rain. It brought me peace and felt cleansing in a way. Perhaps my higher power wanted me to be still and just listen and be calm. It worked :)

    Hugs..


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    WF...is he psychotic or out of touch with reality? If so, he really has my heartfelt sympathy because often people with those symptoms don't even realize they need help. They are often paranoid and think everyone is out to get them or to poison them...and we have no safety nets in the US to help. Unless he is an immediate threat to himself or others, he has "civil rights" and can not be detained. I find this nutty, but...hey, we have no control over the laws.

    WF, if your son is depressed or has bipolar, he CAN get help. He KNOWS he is sick and there is so much help out there for him. Often people with mood disorders substance abuse, which only makes it worse. I have lived my entire life with a mood disorder which was quite severe and if I didn't choose to take very good care of myself, accept help, take my medications religiously, and go to therapy and do self-help to continue remembering how to cope, I could be your son. There are tons of bipolar and depressed adults working, in college, functioning. It is largely a matter of how willing they are to accept help and to listen to doctor's instructions and to communicate well and often with the doctors. Sometimes medications don't work and they need to be changed, for example. Some people just throw them out and give up all medication. You can't do that. You have to tell your doctor and keep trying. It isn't always easy, but it can be done. You have to commit to your recovery. But you can do it. It's not easy, but it is gratifying and you learn so much along the way. Truly, recovering from mental illness is very thought-provoking and enlightening and can bring one to a point of wisdom that others may not experience.

    But just like substance abuse, nobody can help anyone with mental illness unless the person is ready to be helped, listen, do what the professionals say, and work hard on their own too. Even schizophrenics can often be put into remission if they are compliant with treatment. The problem there is, if medications stop working, they stop being able to tell fantasy from reality...but other than schizophrenia, you may be in mental turmoil, but you are not psychotic. I guess bipolar mania causes psychosis too, but it is not all the time. Depression very rarely causes deep psychosis. It is very treatable. Unfortunately, I have sat in self-help groups with many people suffering years of depression who just refuse to take medication and "hate psychiatrists and therapists." Or they had a bad experience and that was it.

    I guess I don't want you to think it is hopeless if his overriding problem is mental illness. If it is mental illness plus substance abuse, well, that's harder, but anything can be overcome.

    The overriding issue is if the person wants to be helped and is willing to do the hard work to get better.

    in my opinion, your mother, who may be elderly, probably doesn't need to know how sick her grandson is. She can't help and it upsets her and you when she gets nervous. Maybe...try a little backing off from the news with her? It doesn't help when two people feed off of one another. It just makes everything harder. Better to find a more positive support system such as the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, known as NAMI. They help people deal with mentally ill loved ones.

    Sometimes drug use simulates mental illness. My daughter was once a drug addict with a diagnosis. of co-morbid bipolar. Well, she has been clean for ten years now and clearly has no mental illness at all. It was all the drugs. We thought she was only smoking pot. Wrong!!!! We don't know what our kids take, unfortunately, and they are very sneaky. For a long time, I thought my daughter had quit too and she hadn't. And she was using meth and cocaine and also snorting speed (ADHD medications laced with cocaine). She even tried heroin. And all during that time she managed to act pretty normal during the day, which makes sense since she used mostly at night after we went to sleep. She even worked and went to Cosmetology School. She fooled us to the point that we got a call from school telling us that the administration was worried about her because a few kids came to them to say she used cocaine. She wasn't acting weird to us and vehemently denied using anything and saying the kids just didn't like her and were out to get her expelled. We bought it. Now that she has quit...guess what? She told us it was true.

    Take care of yourself. You can control yourself. You very, very sadly can not control your adult child, whether he is mentally ill or a drug abuser or both. It is what it is and I hate our laws about mental illness, but we have to live with what we have. And we need to go on with our own lives, especially for our other children and loved ones and, yes, for ourselves as well.
     
  9. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    MWM- Such good points you make. Regarding my son's mental state, I can only speak on how he was when he was living with me, which was up until 2 months ago. He was much in touch with reality, never acted schizophrenic. He's very intelligent and all my friends that had ever met him thought he was the most charming adorable young man and were shocked when I would share some of the issues he had. Only myself and my parents have ever seen that side. Yet he feels like he's a "freak" and can't be around people. This condition of paranoia or social anxiety plus depression really was debilitating as he would try and find jobs but could never make it to day 2 because he felt so out of place. He tried joining the army and was so excited like I had never seen him before, he was working out daily to prepare for the fitness tests, and was checking books out at the library and scored extremely high on the practice military exams he took, took taxis to the recruiter's offices to be filling out paperwork and follow up on things. This was so hopeful for all of us, because we felt his boredom was fueling his depression as he had no purpose, no reason to wake up in the morning to do. My whole family was so happy for him that he was acting "normal" and happy for a couple of weeks of this, but then the bad news came that he was not accepted due to his juvenile and recent crime record (public intoxication and resisting arrest were among them, no drugs or violent crimes, mainly traffic and that one alcohol related one). The rejection was such a blow to him that he completely went back to the deep depression, he had put all of his hopes and dreams into this idea of joining the military and now they wouldn't take him. In a way, it was probably a blessing as he clearly has issues and might not have even made it out there. But nonetheless, that's when he lost all motivation and wouldn't try and look for a job and I had to ask him to leave as he was starting to act disrespectful to me.

    So I honestly do not know how state of mind right now, I can only go by the text messages he sends. He knows how it pains me so badly when he starts talking about "no reason for living", etc.. But he says it so non-chalantly.

    You are correct, I should keep any disturbing news about difficult child to myself and not share with my mom. She just hounds and hounds me for any info, since he's ignoring her too. I feel he would possibly qualify for disability but don't applicants have to actually have a previous employment record to qualify? He has never worked! Out of high school, he went off to college out of state, dropped out after 1st year when his depression hit. And it's been zombie land every since then, has never held a job. So could he still get disability? His last therapist brought the idea up since difficult child explained he just could not be around people, and my parents and I could no longer afford to support him. the therapist said he would write a recommendation saying he is mentally ill and that might help him qualify. But I just hated to go down that road, because for awhile I thought difficult child was just being lazy and would rather be homeless than work for others.

    Today has been a little better. My red and puffy eyes have finally cleared up so I think I can go back to work tomorrow. My mom told me that she texted difficult child earlier today and told him he needed to come back home. I wish she hadn't done that. difficult child clearly does not want to move back here. My parents and I were both enabling him, it wasn't helping him at all. For today, I really would rather not talk about him anymore. So I decided to rent a redbox movie and take my mind off of him. I need to go back to my detaching, my "pretending" that he's okay wherever he is. I need to use that visual of turning off the light switch of emotions when I start dwelling on him. I sent him a text earlier also, we'll see if he responds. But I'm just too tired to think about him anymore today. It's really exhausting, all the crying and worrying and praying, it really wears my body and mind out. I feel like I've run a marathon. So time to rest.

    Much hugs to you for your kind words of advice :)
     
  10. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    WF -- I, also, am so sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. It's so intense. COM is right on the money that we just can't save them. We tried everything we could, and, still, it wasn't enough. Why? Because NOTHING is enough. It's an abyss. It's never cured.

    However, MWM is right in that things can be treated and "managed" (within reason, often....not always, but at least for periods of time). Addiction, mental health, etc., can be treated. But our difficult child's have to want it, submit to it, be compliant with it.

    You mentioned faith. My faith is very important to me, as well. And while my faith may or may not ever help my difficult child, it does help ME. And I'm so very grateful for that. I'll say a prayer for you, your health, your heart, your happiness.....and your difficult child's safety.

    Take care and know that I send you a warm virtual hug. Keep us posted....

    PS -- Agreed that it may not be info your mom needs to know about your difficult child. Our difficult child's sister asked to NOT be informed about him because it was too painful for her. She only wanted to be notified if he was no longer alive. I have respected her wishes.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    SSI requires working. SSDI is for anyone who is disabled. Your son sounds very much as if he could be on the autism spectrum and maybe it was missed. They went down the road of bipolar with my autistic son and he's NOT. He is on the spectrum. Autistic Spectrum is automatic Disability and supports. It does not sound as if your son can function. It does not sound to me as if it is his fault. Now my son did not get into any trouble, but he had tons of support for this Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) too because WE saw it and demanded the support, even though his psychiatrists dismissed us until he was elevin years old.Your son does not sound schizophrenic. That would be impossible to miss. He would have a thought disorder and be out of touch with reality. A psychiatrist would pick up on that.

    One of the main problems with ASDers is an inability to be with or understand other people. It is not a mental illness. It is a neurological difference and many ASDers are very intelligent. They just don't "get" people. Did your son have a speech delay, obsessions, any early echoing, an inability to use his imagination? Did he mimic television shows? Did he rock or flap his arms or make weird throat noises? Easily frustrated? Rages? Annoying habits that he did over and over again that you may have thought were on purpose to annoy you? Any odd interests, such as trains, dinosaurs, or anything that is normal, but he took to the extreme? Trouble in school? LDs at all? Aspies, however, tend to be very good students, although they still suffer social isolation.

    There is a lot of help out there for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My son is a happy young man doing quite well now, but he will always be a bit different.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Wavering, just want to chime in on backing off with the details with your family members. I have had to tell my sister and my mother that I don't want to talk about this all the time. I don't want them calling and texting me for the "latest". I will share information with them from time to time, but I firmly asked them to back off.

    I can't be dealing with it all the time. My mother is very supportive and loving and supports my own detachment with love and so does my sister.

    I would suggest you unload to the people you are going to meet in Al-Anon. There will likely be a phone list that will be handed out at every meeting. Take one, and force yourself to call someone. It's hard to do (I know) but you will find such support. In time, you can get a sponsor in Al-Anon and that person will work with you one on one. It's amazing--the program---and it's all free. It's like great group therapy and then individual therapy (amateur but very good). It is a true gift.

    If you can, start setting boundaries about when you will text him and try to make contact with him. You may not be ready to do this yet, since you are in crisis mode right now, but as you can, go four or six hours, and then 12 or 24 hours, difficult child-free.

    It is a relief to start doing this, and refocus on your own life, and realize you are getting better and better. I know you will.

    So often, Wavering, they act the worst with us. As you described in your last post, other people see a smart, charming person. We see the very worst of them. Now, i believe much of that is manipulation, and the rest addiction, if not all of it. But I know how unsettling it is.

    We're here for you. Warm hugs tonight.
     
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WF, I'm here too, reading along.You've gotten great advice. I just want to point out to you to make sure you get more support for you now, it is very important. It is easy to say we are too tired or too busy, but we need support too, we need nourishment and guidance and empathy and understanding and someone to listen to us. Please give that to yourself and as soon as you can. This is almost impossible to do all by ourselves, we need a village. And, allow this man to re-enter your life, you need a soft place to land, loving arms to enfold you............allow others to help you and nurture you...........sending you big hugs..........
     
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