Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Sep 15, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I am going to try to keep this as short as possible because, frankly, I could go on for days.

    easy child bought his girlfriend a car yesterday. An '07 Chevy Cobalt SS. It's beautiful. Her car would not have made it through the winter. This was a total surprise to girlfriend. easy child and I looked online at cars and had narrowed it down to this car and an '05 Honda Civic. Then girlfriend was looking on her own and found the same Cobalt and fell in love. However, she had no idea that she was actually going to get it. She was just dreaming, Know what I mean??

    We (finally) got it home last night and she was so excited - after she got done saying that she didn't deserve, that she didn't work for it, she feels bad. I told her she does deserve it, that they are going to have a car payment so she is working for it and to just shut up and enjoy the car. :tongue:

    She tried calling her mom twice last night. She went by there today and no one was home. She texted her older sister and they talked about it and she even sent a picture of the car to her sister.

    She finally got to talk to her mom tonight. Her mom is seriously unstable. Bipolar, probably Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - pretty severe case. Her and stepdad's treatment of girlfriend has been horrible. They expect her to bail out her 26 year old difficult child sister - literally. When difficult child sister was arrested for DUI, it was girlfriend who picked her up for jail and then drove around trying to find sister's car because sister was so drunk when she got arrested,she didn't know where it was. girlfriend was then responsible for taking difficult child sister to and from work - on school nights - and difficult child sister never offered gas money or anything. difficult child sister turned down a ride to work recently because "girlfriend will take me" except girlfriend was with me at a wedding 2 hours away, so difficult child sister had to walk to work and there was a guilt trip for that. girlfriend graduated National Honor Society and is motivated and her mom and stepdad always tell her she's a snob, she's irresponsible, she's going off the deep end. Then mom turns around and wants girlfriend to talk to difficult child sister about how difficult child sister treats mom, etc. It's just completely unreal.

    difficult child sister, who is 26 and has 2 kids, lost her part time job and got evicted (again) and is living with mom. Mom is paying all of difficult child sister's bills, including storage for sister's things. difficult child sister is also a pathetic excuse for a mother. But, girlfriend's mom is telling girlfriend that if she thinks she's an adult then she needs to act like one. girlfriend is much more of an adult than her mom; certainly more than difficult child sister. Mom is doing the whole - girlfriend abandoned me thing and crying it up for sympathy from everyone she can.

    Anyway, girlfriend talked to her mom tonight and her mom was complaining about something, telling girlfriend that the guy that worked on girlfriend's car and totally messed it up (he did powertrain work and replaced her brakes - the powertrain work had to be redone) said he didn't lubricate the brakes and that's why they are so loud and he will fix it for free. You don't lubricate brakes. Besides, there are a host of other problems with the car that would cost more than the car is worth to fix, and there is no guarantee that the fix would hold. Finally girlfriend got to tell her mom that she got a new car. She is so excited. Mom was incensed. "You got a new car? You got a new car? When were you going to tell me???" girlfriend said she tried to call her twice last night, that she went over there today and that she talked to both of her sister's and told her to tell them.

    Then mom says, "You have a lot of [testicles]" and hung up on girlfriend. girlfriend didn't even have a chance to tell her mom that the car was a present and a total surprise.

    This woman is...I can't type it without getting in trouble. But, if she thinks she's going to call me and cry to me about how horrible girlfriend treats her, she is getting chewed out up one side and down the other.

    girlfriend has no self-esteem from the way she's been treated her whole life. And it stops NOW.

    I told girlfriend that she needs to draw a line in the sand and tell her mom that if she wants to have a relationship with her, here are the boundaries.

    I am so furious. :mad::mad::mad:

    This is probably jumbled, but I'm just so furious I can't get my thoughts in order.
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Boy, I'd be furious, too. Some people really don't even deserve to be called parents, and it sounds like she's at the top of the list!! I hope she does draw her line in the sand and it's awesome that she has you to care for her that much. I'm sure that helps her a lot! I'm glad she liked her new car, too.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Sadly, I know what it's like to have a completely toxic, selfish, immature mother. There is no reasoning with a person like that. Tell her this before she upsets herself trying to reason with her to no avail, it will just upset her. The best thing to do is to remove herself from the relationship. It's a very hurtful, and unfair way she's being treated, and if it's been this way her whole life, it not going to change. She has to save herself. difficult child sister can find her own ride to work. She's lucky to have you and easy child in her life.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Heather... I have a very similar-sounding mother to girlfriend. Please tell her that I agree that she should draw a line in the sand now. I let things go a lot and didn't drop my mother until she started treating Duckie the same as me last year. I could have saved my self a boatload of emotional pain (& drama) if I let her go as a young adult. It's not easy and there's a lot of guilt but she'll learn to assert herself and find value in herself eventually. {{{Hugs}}} to her.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I agree with TM. girlfriend has as much right to a happy life as her own mother. It's up to girlfriend to find the right way to do it. Polite and distant is a good thing with relatives who want to be mean hearted. .
    No one can squash another person without having consequences. If girlfriend has a good life and mother doesn't it's not girlfriend's fault. She lost the daughter who was responsible.
    girlfriend doesn't owe anyone an explanation about why she did what she did. She doesn't even have to tell her it was a gift. I probably wouldn't even tell mom I got a new car. Let her find out someday.
    Of course, I don't know how old girlfriend is or what the background story but everyone has a right to have a life that isn't always under attack.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    "When were you going to tell me?"

    "Now. I'm telling you now. It's the first opportunity I have had. I couldn't tell you before I knew myself, now could I?"

    Besides, why should she have to tell her anything? What's the big deal?

    girlfriend needs to distance herself. It's OK to love her family, it's OK to stay in touch, but she needs to insulate herself from being hurt like this. She is a credit to herself and has turned out well despite how she is being treated.

  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Detachment 101 classes needed....... look elsewhere for mother figures....... hope she can face it and move on......
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow...nice that easy child could buy girlfriend a car! I didnt realize he had already paid his car off and that they were working enough to be able to afford all that with car payments and insurance. I know insurance is a bear at their ages.

    I know how smart she is. Is she going to school this fall? Would be a crying shame if she didnt or if she didnt at least start winter semester.

    Hope her mom comes around.
  9. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    girlfriend tends to downplay these things - uses words like frustrating, when I know she's really hurt. She uses the word 'frustrating' when she's hurt. Then she says that she's used to it. easy child and I told her she shouldn't have to get used to it. However, she is getting better at asserting herself. She has told difficult child sister that she can't cart her around anymore. girlfriend is working and starts college next week. girlfriend isn't the one that lost her license. Again.

    Janet, easy child and I sat down and did a budget before we even started to look. I added girlfriend to our insurance policy so she gets multi-car, multi-line, safe driver, and good grades discounts. It's still expensive, but not nearly as expensive as it would be if she went on her own.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Between you and I as girlfriends the word complete toad comes to mind. Between you and girlfriend? I don't know how you were able to handle it so well, really. Your son did a lovely thing for girlfriend and I know there have been a few ups and downs with her there that you've handled very well.

    Sheesh. This kid is lucky to have at least ONE stable Mother in her life. I hope she can find a way to loose the number to dysfunction central.
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    ABSOLUTELY!!! Life Lesson Number ONE: People treat us as well as we allow them to. She's fortunate to have you in her life to help her draw that line, and it's critical for her own sanity to draw it now.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She sounds like a lovely and amazing person. Not just as a girlfriend, but as a person. your easy child is so very sweet. She really deserves someone sweet like that!

    I think the book about toxic parents is one she needs to read. She also NEEDS to be in AlANon. I am willing to bet that 30 in 30 will really open her eyes. 30 meetings in 30 days). If she can only go less often it would STILL be good for her.

    easy child should also go to alanon. She is an adult child/sibling and he is her husband.

    Poor kid. Can we go witchslap her family? With all the weight I gained recently I will sit on mom or sis and bounce up and down! Talk about PAIN!!!

    I am also good at inflicting fingernail damage and I will bring Wiz on a day he has forgotten the deodorant and he can apply armpit to nose therapy. talk about wanting to vomit!! (I will provide respirators for the rest of of, LOL!)(and separate transportation).

    Many hugs to each of you.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh - on the "frustrated" front:

    Being angry, hurt or scared was NOT something she has ever been safe to express. Holding it in, explaining it as frustration, is how she protected herself.

    If she was angry they were abusive, told her she had NO RIGHT to be angry. Tell a child this often enough and they believe it. do this during someone's entire childhood and by the time they are adults they don't even know how to talk about anger, much less let herself feel it.

    If she was hurt or scared her family laughed at her, told her she was too sensitive, and then did whatever hurt or scared her every chance they got so they could be entertained by her fear and pain. They are truly sick people.

    You can get posters and little flip books with expressions and the feeling they describe. They can be very helpful for her. wiz was and used his to show us how he felt. Just a thought.

    This is to the poster by cartoonist jim Borgman. We used his book with all of these faces so Wiz could show us exactly each one. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Borgm...3?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1253124113&sr=8-3

    The book is called mood Swings. I am having a glitch and cannot post anymore links, so if you search for How are you feeling on amazon you should see it.
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    It gets better.

    Ashlee called her mom during break at work to tell her that she (mom) didn't need to go to the Open House at school tonight. Ashlee put it that we've all been there together before, we don't all need to be there tonight.

    Mom asked Ashlee who was going with her. Ashlee told her that Devon was going with her. Mom said, "So, that's why you don't want me to go?" Ashlee said that's not the reason, that she is upset with her and she doesn't feel like arguing all night.

    Mom said, "Well, I'm mad at you!" Ashlee said there was nothing she could do about that. Then she told her mom that her break was over, but she'd talk to her later.

    Mom responded, "I don't think so", and hung up on her.

    THEN difficult child sister calls Ashlee to find out what Ashlee did/said to mom because mom is crying and saying that Ashlee is never going to talk to her again.

    What a piece of work.

    by the way, Janet...Ashlee gets settlement money in payments because of a car accident where mom passed out (supposedly from a new medication), their van went under a semi, and Ashlee had to be cut out of the car and life flighted to Children's. She used the first settlement payment to buy her first car. They are using the second payment to put towards the new car.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad girlfriend is going to school! Thats great. Im so glad. I know you told me how very smart she is. Glad you have all the financials worked out so it wont be a hardship on anyone. Very very good! Sorry she was in such a bad accident though.