I am not in a good place

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Jun 1, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    The stress is getting to me..........really getting to me.

    School.

    All the outside junk with Nichole.....you name it......

    School.

    husband being in my face except when I'm at school and doing absolutely NOTHING 24/7!!:mad:

    School.

    easy child's heart issues........which at the moment are being watched closely........but she is still working/going to school.....grrr

    School.

    My Mom decided to go and have a psychotic break and is calling me mult times a day/week on paranoid tyraids.

    School.

    I am not doing well. I don't sleep well. I can't concentrate. My memory is toast. I can't hold onto a fact for more than a couple of minutes. I do try, really hard.......and it's getting me some really odds responses from people.

    Thanks to the stress and memory issues, my anxiety is beginning to skyrocket.......which of course just makes it all that much worse. I can do this. I can learn this. But not at the speed of light.....and not by being my own freakin teacher!!!

    I'm starting to make a fool of myself. At times it's becoming humiliating. At times I wonder if I'm losing my mind. I'm certainly losing my memory. I worked the ER today......thank goodness it was slow. Went to give a shot.....didn't recognize the syringe.....didn't know what the heck to do with it.....was one I've never seen.....but after a few moments of wishing to crawl into a hole......I gave the shot fine. But I could not have done it without the nurse standing right there.

    I'm getting scared. Really I am. We're coming down to the wire. And now all this stuff is supposed to click and all come together. So you get put into situations and you're supposed to figure it out.......and should be able to figure it out.......only I'm lost, it doesn't come. It's there.....somewhere.......it just won't come when I need it to.:(

    You're supposed to think, think, think, you know boom boom boom. I used to be able to do that. Before the brain injury. My brain will not cooperate, no matter how hard I try, how much I study........it can't pop it out like that.

    All the old knowledge is there. Most of the year was a refresher is all......and I have not much issues with those things.....some, but not enough to send me into panic mode. It's the new stuff.......of course the medications......huge issues still there and worse this quarter.......

    People, I can't remember to put on GLOVES!!! C'mon! How hard is that?? But every stinking time I go to do something on my own......no gloves. Never. And I don't realize it until someone calls my attention to it. Why?? Cuz 30 yrs ago we didn't use gloves everytime we touched a patient.

    I am NOT quitting. But I'm right on the line of failing pharm. I'll have to pull something amazing on the final.......and I don't know if I have it in me. And it's not just pharm, there are issues in clinicals too........nope haven't hurt anyone.....but other issues and if I can't get past them.....seriously, I don't know how I'll work. Cuz my brain just will not work that fast.

    My brain is NOT handling the stress load. It's shutting down instead. I can't use medications to see if they'll help........cuz I already know I can't think like I need to think on them.

    Honestly.........part of me just wants to run away. From everything. All of it. K, easy child, husband, school.......of course I can run away from the brain/memory thing.........

    Clinical instructor went to do math with us last week. We'd asked her to. Yeah.........went away from that feeling stupid. She went so fast, way darn fast.....although no one else was having trouble.......and I couldn't follow, couldn't even keep up with the question she was on.....it was a disaster.:whiteflag:

    And we're making up clinical days afterall thanks to the DON. So sat I go to clinical when I should be studying for finals. Next week I go to clinicals when I should be studying for finals. Because their stupid instructor couldn't show up when she was supposed to!!!!!:mad::mad:

    I am soooooooooooooooo fed up with this program. Bad enough you're stuck teaching yourself the hardest subjects......but they can't seem to get their act together on anything! One person says one thing.....and another changes it to something else. I'm lucky right now to know if I'm coming or going.

    Oh........and my health is in the toilet. My b/p keeps shooting up cuz I keep retaining vast amounts of fluids. So I try to watch my fluids........and well yeah, that doesn't work either. So it will be ok for a while, then whoosh it's up to 180/110........then I fight to get it back down.....only to have it do it again. Stress I'm sure is another major factor.

    Sad when I just keep thinking if they would just slow down some.....maybe I could get it. But nope, they're speeding up....and I'm not keeping up.

    I don't like TBIs, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I know I have one. But to the rest of the world I'm smart one minute and a stark raving idiot the next. I'm sick of trying to explain it. I'm sick of people, including my family not getting it. I so totally don't care if they get it. I CAN'T HELP IT!!! It's not like I WANT my brain to shut off when I need it to work. It's not like I want it to reverse numbers/letters/words/meanings...aw h*ll you name it.

    I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm vicious to husband and Travis if they so much as come near me and I'm even thinking about school.

    They will have to flunk me out. But at the rate I'm going right now, that may be a very huge possibility next week. But right now I just keep putting on foot in front of the other cuz I just don't know what else to do.:whiteflag:
     
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I hope you make it, you deserve to make it. I wish I had magic words of wisdom for you. If there is anything you can do to cut down on the anxiety, do it. Shut your cell phone off during the day or when you study. You only have a few weeks left, the world (I hope) will not fall apart if you step back a little.


    I know you are smart
     
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Lisa, I'm so sorry things are rough. I will keep you in my thoughts.
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, Lisa.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Lisa,
    Many hugs-you so deserve a break from things-keeping you in my prayers.
     
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Lisa, hon - not only have you been burning the candle at both ends, you've set the middle on fire. It's no wonder you're completely overwhelmed right now. Personally, I've watched in awe as you have juggled it all so well.

    You *can* do this.

    I know it goes against your/our nature, but I think you need to put Nicole/easy child/husband/Mom on the back burner right now. They're grownups and they need to take care of themselves without you always being their safety net. You cannot fix their stuff, and worrying about it is just stressing you out. I'm thinking of the prayer, strength to change what I can, accept what I can't change, and wisdom to know the difference.

    You are doing this for *you*, and you *can* do this.

    Your BiPolar (BP) worries me. You have got to take care of yourself.

    I don't know much about Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I also do not understand why this program is so darn concentrated and stressful. They've thrown a boatload of information at you in such a short period of time - I'd have had brain lock a long time ago, LOL. But you are a smart capable woman who has juggled much more difficult tasks simultaneously. I absolutely believe that it will all come together and click for you, soon.

    TAKE CARE OF YOU!
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You better put everything else on the back burner before your dreams are put on hold, again. This is YOUR dream. Do not let other factors delay it any longer. You have sacrificed enough. Go to the library, turn off your cell phone. Get away from all the drama and buckle down.
     
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, Lisa. I like what everyone else has said already. This is your dream, don't give up on it.
     
  9. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Sorry to hear you are struggling.
    Going to school when you are in the middle of raising a family is much more distracting. Stress is an issue in most people's life
    but it's distracting. You can't save or fix N or K or even easy child. easy child should know better but she is driven despite the cost to her health or
    her family unfortunately. You can't fix it.

    husband isn't working or going to school so the house should be his responsibility but he isn't going to do anything unless he
    thinks it's important. Maybe leave a list and help on your days off.
    The other big thing is decrease the amount of time on non school activities for the time being until you get your feet on
    the ground. Stop answering the phone. They will survive.
     
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I second what everyone else has already said. This is YOUR dream and you need to put yourself first right now. Everyone else can deal with their own stuff while you get through this.
    Sending many hugs.
    Trinity
     
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lisa - HUGS - LOTS OF HUGS.

    I agree, put it all on the back burner for a bit - this is YOUR TIME.

    More hugs.
     
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'll second, third, and even fourth what the other ladies have said. This is your dream. This is for you. Many hugs and lots and lots of strength.
     
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Lots of hugs. Seconding the "turn off your phone" idea. You know very well that everyone else WILL figure their stuff out if they cannot reach you. This is time for YOU. YOU - each of them has already had their time to achieve things while you held things together for them.

    How much of this brain lock is because you are afraid of what happens after you finish school? It is really common for those in their last term to go through some fear of success. It is largely fear of change. Because everything WILL change when you are not in school.

    Do what you need to do for YOU. Put YOU first!!!!! You are worth it. You have had lots of semesters where you panicked at the end. This may be to a greater degree, but you CAN do this.

    And if you don't? Plead Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and major family crisis and get someone to let you retake these classes. If they say no? Put that dang rhino skin back on and go be your own warrior mom!
     
  14. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I'm with slsh. I'm concerned at what and how the program is working (besides everything else). I think it is so very wrong with how they are running it and I think their "honestly" should be something able to be done if they have not presented it timely and fairly to you because it COULD potentially effect the outcome of whether you pass or fail (not just you but others as well). I've known others who have gone through programs like you have and never,ever, do they put the students through what you have been through as it's just not done. It's actually a liability to do so!

    At the risk of being/sounding strange here, is there someone high/higher up you might be able to take this too regarding the amount of time they did this course? They have to allow you to properly study and understand the information and they denied you that right which potentially can put other's lives at risk. I understand that not everyone in the program has families to contend with, this is irregardless to the fact that the way the course is suppose to be presented timely. Just saying. If so, it might buy you a week or? of extra time for studying or maybe even more time of clinicals or something different that will assist. This way the focus is not on "you" but on what should be "fair" presentation of the course as represented.
     
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I simply refuse to give up.

    At this point I'm not sure if that's because I'm a glutton for misery or if I have developed into a person who will. not. quit. :tongue:

    Clincals went somewhat better today. I gave 3 shots......with no issues....with normal syringes. To hear my patients talk, I'm as good at giving shots as I am at drawing blood, evidently I don't hurt them. I hung piggy back medications and set the IV machine to run it. I did an insulin shot without the instructor......nervous, but did it. Cuz she trusted me to do it. We did 4 "exams" today that are from the Nclux review for the RN program. Instructor has been doing them with us so we can judge what we actually DO know......and where we may need more study. If I'd taken them as normal exams, I'd have gotten good grades all of them. They were fairly easy, and those I missed we either haven't covered the material yet.....or I misread the question and what it was asking for.

    Then I come home utterly exhausted. And easy child calls me out of nowhere, says I need a break NOW and she's taking me to Red Lobster for dinner! So 10 mins later I'm on my way to cincy. lol Good meal by the way. But she also lets me vent in a big way because she has been there done that and understands how it feels. It did help some.

    I come home and a classmate pops up in chat on my fb page asking what I got on the last pharm exam. So I knew grades were posted. I go look. It is a ZERO!!!! :surprise::surprise: :faint:

    I nearly had a heart attack......and I'm talking literally! My grades have not been so hot in pharm this quarter like I said.......there is simply no possible way I could come back with enough points to cover a ZERO!!! So I dug out the teacher's home phone number and at 9:30pm I called her at home. I told her that when I went to submit the exam I had had issues......but that the site did tell me it was submitted so I didn't email her or call her to tell her about it. She sounded like *yeah, sure that's what they all say........* and said she'd have to check. So she does and she said that the grade didn't make sense so she called up my exam itself.......and started laughing while telling me she was sorry. Seems she'd gotten a new puppy this week and puppy was sick and having diarrhea all over her house.....she was in the middle of grading my exam when puppy cut loose really bad....went to clean it up.....and evidently didn't realize she hadn't finished and went on to another exam. So she graded it for me right then and there. I got a very much needed 82 percent. WHEW!!!!!

    My kids have all told me that I'm not a mother this week, nor am I to answer my Mom's calls (that one is a bit harder to step away from). This next week until wed will be solely focused on studying for finals. Except for Saturday when I have to do an extra clinical. And even then I will come home to study yet again.

    I am maxed out on the stress. I simply can not take anymore. Instructors assure us next quarter is a breeze compared to all the other quarters. And it's super fast as it only last 8 wks because it's a summer session. I will be DONE with the nitemare known as pharm in the classroom setting.

    I hope the instructors are right. I really do.

    I'm still scared. My anxiety is still high. I still can't do the boom boom boom responses. I am still stressed to the hilt. My memory is still giving me big issues. But I am NOT letting go of this dream. Although I'll admit that big fat zero nearly did it to me. husband is still a royal PITA, but my kids have rallied around me. So I will be ok. I may fail, but I'll be d*mned if I just give up and walk away. I've worked too hard to give up.

    Thanks so much for the moral support. I needed it so very badly. I was not in a good place at all when I posted. I am in a better place today.....not wonderful, but better.

    Tiapet.........you can bet your bottom dollar the DON will be getting an ear full once our class graduates. Actually she has all along, but we'll really let loose once we've walked across that stage!

    Hugs to all of you! :D I love you guys!
     
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry.
    A few simple, but powerful thoughts
    1. Keep your "eye on the prize"
    2. Set and keep boundaries...this includes those with- relatives.
    3. If necessary, cut back on your school and/or work hours. Talk to those in charge. Chances are very good, that you can make up for a class, etc. Let this be a temporary thing for the purposes of re-grouping only.
    4. Find out and remember who your real friends are. Ask them for morale support.
    5. If at all possible, reach out and get some 'real' help during very difficult times (like now). It might be a friend to cook a meal during a final exam, for example.
    6. If at all possible, keep in mind people who might be able to do small tasks in a pinch for a reasonable rate. For example, type up a paper when you are overwhelmed.
    7. Try your best, but remember that grades are not the "end all."
    8. LIke the others said: Don't give up. (see thought #1).
    9. Keep on top of your medical appointments and if you are not doing so already, please consider therapy to help with- the stress (and BiPolar (BP) diagnosis, etc.).
    Sending good thoughts...
    As a side note:
    I've been through something similar recently...knock on wood/crossing myself....coming to a happy ending. These were some of the things I did and found to be helpful.
     
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like you are in a better frame of mind today. That determination will carry you far. It may sound strange, but the extra work you are doing to learn and remember this stuff will make you a much better nurse than any of the students who "got it" easily.

    When added to your common sense and the determination to realize your dream, you will be every patient's advocate. Not always their favorite, because sometimes you have to insist on things that are not fun. but YOU will be the one to catch some of the major errors that might kill someone. YOU will be the one they trust to tell them straight out what is going on and why.

    Others here have given great tips. Just be sure to get some sleep every night. No matter what.
     
  18. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Lisa? You can give me my insulin ANY TIME! And without gloves...

    Deep breaths - you know you can do it - you've said it a million times - now you just have to believe it because we all do! :D

    Glad you're feeling a little better!

    Beth
     
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